Oh Baby!

In the last year or two, my feelings and dreams on what I hope my future family will look like has changed.  I used to want a house full of children, and wanted to start that family at least 5 years ago.  I did not get married by 21 as I thought I would, and I doubt I'll make it to 30 a married woman.  This was something I grieved over for at least a year.  And then all of the sudden, I didn't care about it anymore.

Let me back up here and share a bit of background.  I have loved children and babies, since I was hardly walking.  When I became a big sister at 19 months, I thought it was my responsibly to care for my baby sister.  I took care of her for as long as she would let me, and was delighted to have a baby brother born just before my 5th birthday.  I changed his diapers and carried him up and down the stairs, and loved him like crazy.  I was made to be a caregiver of children, and so that must mean that I should be a mother, I thought.  I loved being the second mother when my 3 brothers were born as I was a teenager.

I was always caring for my younger cousins, and loved to help with anything that included holding babies.  I started a long babysitting career at 12, and would nanny for families over night for a weekend once I could drive, and longer periods when I was in college.  The money wasn't bad ether.  I worked in the church nursery, and prided myself on being the one to get almost any baby to stop crying and to sleep.  Eventually in college, I became in charged of the nursery and all childcare at my church.  It was a big job, at a large church, but babies and training others to show God's love by caring for babies and young children was my thing.  

And then I almost got married, and it looked like it was my turn to dream and finally get what I had been waiting my whole life for.  But it was just a taste, and my soul grieved the fact that I would most likely not ever find this dream of having a loving husband and a house full of children while I was young.  I remember being horribly offended when I had poured out my broken heart to a lady pastor who was all too eager to mentor me, and when I was done, she said "God has other things for you to do besides being a wife and mother."  I wrote her off as a feminist at first (as she had called herself), but her words stuck.  In my head, I could think of no greater calling than to be wife and mother. 

And so I prayed that if these deep desires would not be fulfilled soon, that God would remove them.  And I began a career in youth ministry, enjoyed being independent and didn't mind working late hours.  I began to think less and less of my old dreams and made new ones.  For the first time ever, I really didn't want to have a baby.  I was startled by this thought at first.  I still thought it would be nice to have a husband to share life with, but I was enjoying my work too much to think about babies.  I was delighted when I discovered I was going to be an aunt.  My sister and my sister in law both discovered they were pregnant at the same time, but I silently felt terribly forgotten my God.  But I dried my tears and had more than enough to distract me from feeling inadequate.

God used my heartache from love lost and broken dreams to be able to better relate to my students and those who came to me for counsel.  It brought a lot of healing.  And all the while, I was content to be just where I was, loving my students and being able to work in a church with such a great congregation.  And then I was an aunt.  And I loved my new nephews, but I was not gaga over them as I have been over many other new babies.  My hormones seemed to be off and I wondered just how God had answered my prayers.

And now, all of the sudden, something has changed in me and I want a baby again!  Not like tomorrow or anything, but I want to mother a newborn.  The only children I had wanted were the 6 month and up adopted kind, (which I still do want).  I never stopped enjoying play time with a silly toddler.  I have been bonding a lot more with my nephew (who is local), and now that he screams a lot less, I really enjoy caring for him.  And I get so excited every time the other one comes to town.  So I wonder why this is happening now.  I believe God always has a plan, and sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through.  Trusting that God is not a liar and what his word says he will do, he is going to do.  And I am super anxious to see how this is all going to turn out.  If nothing else, I can at least enjoy others babies again.