Ministry Moving Forward

I have been struggling with some things lately. I guess that is evident from my writing. I thought my season of questioning was over, but it doesn't seem to be. I'm better than I was last week. I just got an update from a friend I have been praying for, and though some specific prayer has yet to be answered, she shared with me a lot of little answers, and I am so excited and encouraged! Yes, there are still some big things to pray for, for my friend, but God is faithful and he will come through.

It is such encouragement today. Last night I met with some of my praying friends, and part of our time was spent praying for our heart's cry to God. After our meeting we were talking a bit and a friend and were talking of some answered prayer. I knew I got an answer last week for something we prayed for, but I wasn't sure what we had prayed and what it was answering. As I was talking with this friend she said that she felt there was something that God wanted to me to partner with him in, for this season of my singleness. I got in my car, and excitedly said, "God, what are we going to do?"

I met with a mentor yesterday and after we talked a while, she asked me what God has been saying to me, because usually I will mention a few answers as we talk. I could only think of one situation, when I was in church listening to missionaries from Mission On The Move talk about what they do in Mexico, and that they needed help. I asked God if he wanted me to go, and I heard a quick "no." What then, God? They have a new project in Nakuru Kenya, and I have been in that city when I was in Kenya. I prayed about that, but Kenya is not on my heart like Liberia is.

I'm trying to do all I can to seek God and find my way. A friend of mine just confessed to me the other day that she thinks she still has some learning to do. I have realized this some time ago, and since we both have yet to hit 30, I guess it is good we realize this now. My trying now includes a Bible study on how to live a praying life with some vital prayer group time, leading a Bible study on James (by my favorite Bible teacher Beth Moore!) and an accountability group with a few friends, as well as other ministry with my youth Wednesday evening and Thursday morning, and church Saturday and Sunday. Thursdays will be filled once school beings. I am more focused on the growing at the moment, but the other ministries are great too. Maybe I'm crazy to be involved in so much, but I have the time now, and I seek to serve God with my life.

I may not have the great house or the wonderful husband, but I am living my life the way I have wanted to for some time, intentionally setting myself up to grow spiritually and emotionally and connect with others, and trying to be in a position to let God to use me as he desires. This is all good stuff! I cannot do it all on my own. I try but I fall.  Being in a Bible study and prayer group have been one of the best things I have done to grow closer to God and to grow as a person. We all grow together and learn from each other. It has been so rewarding and helpful through some darker seasons. I wish I would have joined a Bible study much sooner. There is just something about studying God's word with other believers and having the accountability and support as life comes at you.

Who I Am

Well, I am still figuring that out. But I shocked myself to find that I like myself the way I am. I am usually a pretty chill person. I have my moments, but we all do. But the thing is that in life, we all face some kind of rejection, and some more than others. I was trying to argue this broken heart thing with an African friend last night, and he was preaching it to me! I felt like a whiny baby after one of his comments. And he pulled the Jesus card. How could I argue with that?

I have been thinking about worth. Self-worth mostly. I am learning more and more about the power of prayer and the awesome way God heals us. The way he takes our brokenness and patches us up so well. But that usually is about who we are, not how we feel about who we are. Once we realize who we are in Christ, we usually can begin to see our value.

I was laying in bed one morning, considering what I could do to lose some weight. I realized in that moment that if I expect a man to love me just as I am, I need to really love myself, just as I am right in this moment. My accentuated curves and all. Not when I become someone better, thinner, prettier. I think at the very core of it is the human need to be loved and accepted just as we are.

I'm never going to be a size 6 and I'm ok with that. But I want to be more than just ok with it. I just want to be who God created me to be. As I was at a Middle Eastern Dance class yesterday, I realized as I watched myself in the obnoxiously large mirror wall, that I looked like quite a woman (duh!). And I have the hips to complete the moves. It was really fun, and made me feel very feminine, and actually enjoy this hourglass figure I seem to keep. At least as long as I kept my eyes on the instructor and didn't watch myself in the mirror wall. I was pretty good at it for just dropping in on a class. It reminded me of the dance class I took in high school. It felt so good to move my body and dance around to the beat. It was a nice workout, and reminded me that I am worthy. At least I know that I matter to God, and he is the one I should be most concerned about.

Friends and Faith

Life is good, but I am still waiting on God for a job, and some other things. I'm crafting and sewing all kinds of things as well as spending a lot of "sissy time" as she calls it, with my baby sister Mia. And I am helping two of my friends right now in dealing with broken relationships, and broken hearts. It's reminding me of my broken engagement, and some of the pain has come back to me. I hate it when hearts are broken. It makes me hate sin even more. It can cause such intense pain, and then I begin to question my worth. Women with broken hearts do this too much. And the enemy loves to pick at our weaknesses when we feel vulnerable. My friends complain that men break hearts, and I try to point to our human brokenness and sin.

I need more faith. I am strong and I am not struggling most of the time, but I just need more. I'm like a hungry child that is not satisfied. I hunger for worship and communion with God. Just to welcome his presence. And some pain I thought was long over has been bothering me. But the pain does bring about great growth. I am seeing this first hand and marveling at the greatness of God. I see where I have come in the last few years, and I am so amazed at how I have grown. I look at my friends pain, and I cry with her, but this is turning her to God like never before and allowing us a new closeness from sharing even more experiences.

I was talking to some homeless men at a cold weather shelter that I was praying at Monday tonight, and one man, that was most likely drunk, had mental problems, or both, kept asking that if God loves us so much, why does he let children go hungry in Africa. People go hungry all over the world. My friend said that her children have everything they need, and do not depend on God. Children in Africa usually do not have what they need, but they trust God to provide everything. She said it was all about their eternal soul. Death is gain when you believe. American's are so confused. And I find for myself, it is so much easier to have faith while in Africa. It is so much easier to explain faith to an African than to an American.

I know I need to have faith like my African friends. I know God will come through for me, and he is building a great testimony right now with my life and the way I am living.

Breakup!

It seems a lot of relationships are breaking up right now. Maybe I am just more aware of them since one of them involves my best friend. It is all in my face right now, and reminds me of the pain of my own break up a while ago. As my friend is asking herself what happened, I'm asking that as well. This is not healthy. I buried that horse long ago, and I don't need to dig it up! She is asking herself questions like, am I worthy of love, and I am surprised to be asking myself the same kind of questions.

Then I go on facebook, and knew someone who was engaged, and went to see if they got married yet, only to find no evidence of them being together any longer. It made me want to cry for them. I know he loved her. She waited and put up with him doing the wrong thing, and they were apart for a few years as he went wild and then seemed to come back to truth. According to his facebook pictures, I guess he was just not ready to be the man she needed. My heart breaks for them both. Does he even realize what he lost? Was she not patient enough with him, or perhaps was she too patient?

I'm not a fan of this season. All the hurt. The pain of rejection and dreams killed. The only positive is that this type of great brokenness opens up to great growth in a short amount of time.

Guard your hearts, and do not awaken love before its time, the Bible warns. I'm not sure you really know what you are guarding against til you have experienced love lost. And honestly, the fear of opening yourself up to the potential pain and rejection again is quite a leap. One I'm not sure I am ready to make quite yet.

I want to blame man, but really it goes back to our sinful nature. This is not God's design; that we fall quickly but not permanently in love. Love was never meant to be severed, it should be given freely and without condition. I would love to marry a man a lot like Jesus! Days like these make me long for eternity.

Another Year

Another year goes by and I find myself extremely at peace. I'm at peace with my world in a way I was not as 2011 began. I try not to have regrets, and sometimes that means I have to risk great venerability. But I feel like at this time in my life, I have nothing to lose. I suppose there are a few things, but I learned that stewing in the unknown is poison to the emotions. I seek to know what can be known and leave the rest to God.

This past year, I have had many adventures and did many things I thought I would never do. I provided leadership for 3 amazing and exhausting weeks at church camp. I discovered how to really pray in faith and watch my world and that of those I love change. I saw God come through for me. I witnessed the birth of my nephew, who made me an aunt. I have gleaned and passed on marriage and relationship advise, and I actually think I know what I am talking about now. One of my favorite mentors came to me for counsel more than just a few times. I was leader to a lovely group of women all at least 10 years older than me, through a book and Bible study on insecurity and was embraced as leader. I realized a passion for ministering to woman. I have been called and referred to as "pastor" many times, to which I had to question and then finally come to peace with the word referring to me.

God helped me find two different, yet connected ministries working with my favorite kind of youth, and have walked with teens through the good, the bad and the ugly choices they make and need to make. I began some new relationships and let healing cover some expired ones. I realized I need to search my heart and immediately confess any sin I find. Moving on to bigger and better things can be just as exciting as it is terrifying. But I am trusting God and asking that he would bless me with his will. I don't pray far from simply his will that these days. I'm still figuring out my faith, and growing by leaps and bounds makes me see how far I still have to climb. And if there is a man out there for me, I pray he is growing stronger in the ways of the Lord every day.

So what will this year bring? I have some hopes, but not yet evidence of what I wish. But that's ok. God has a history of completely and swiftly changing everything. I've never lived to check anything off a list anyway. I'm always up for a new surprise, twist or challenge. I like taking the leap of faith. A new block of time brings about the opportunity for change. I'm ready to jump!

Happy 2012!