And So I Wait

I keep asking for a vision for my next step.  Don't get me wrong, my life is very full right now with babysitting my nephew, and all the volunteering in ministry I am doing now.  But I am hardly making money.  I'm making less right now than I can ever remember making in my adult life.  And my days have never been so full.  But I need to put gas in my car, and not deplete my savings.  If I am not going to be able to save right now, I want to at least maintain the balance of my savings account, that I worked hard to build up.

When I pray about this I keep hearing that God has some really great plan for me that is about to be put into action, and I just have to trust him.  I'm asking God about jobs to apply to, and he is telling me that he is going to provide for my needs, and that I just need to trust him.  Should I think I know better than God and demand that he give me a paying job?  Honestly, I want to.  But really, I want to see this thing that he says I need to wait for.  And even if I could find a well paying job, I would be out of his will, and I never want to live like that again.  But waiting on him is so much easier said than done!  I might be crazy, and if I have heard him wrong, I would gladly accept that, and appreciate being set right.  I need to pray for more faith!  I need to pray more with my faith-filled friends.

Wrapped into this hint about the future is a mate and children.  I dream of creating a family through adoption and perhaps fostering as well as giving birth to a few children.  I think of Hebrews 11 a lot these days.  "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  I am certain that this idea I have about my future is from God.  I just don't see how I get there, or who is coming with me.  Forgive me for my lack of faith, God.

My children, some may already be born.  It's hard to think that and know that I cannot have them now.  I have been praying for them for 3 years now, and 3 years ago, I thought it would be great if they were 1 and 3.  Maybe they are much older than that.  Maybe more than 2 of them are waiting to call me "mama."  I gear God whisper "trust me," as my heart breaks for the older kids in the system.  My family is so important to me and I cannot imagine growing up without a family.  I do not take lightly the fact that I feel called to give some of these children a family.  But God tells me the time for this is not yet.  So I wait.  I'm sick of the waiting, followed by a few good days and more waiting.  I want to live every day to the fullest, knowing that I served God that day, but I fall short.  And in my quest for the career for my life over the last few years, I can think of no greater way to serve God than to be a wife and mother.  Both jobs require the ultimate sacrifice... To love.  Laying down your wants and desires, and perhaps even your life to choose to love and serve, regardless of feelings, everyday.  And so I wait, and I pray, and try not to lose hope.