Where I Belong

I am certain that I am just where God wants me for this season. I would rather be someplace else on some days. I wish I was already a homeowner, and had more time on my hands. But I am living such a full life! I have an amazing job, one in which it hits me at least once a day how good God is to me, and I have to take some time to praise Jesus for the blessings he has trusted me with.  I have some amazing friends who help keep me on track and we bless each other as we go along in life. One in particular has meant so much to me as I am in a new chapter of life. He has been there for me in ways I never knew one could be from so many miles away. His selfless love for me has shocked and humbled me many times. God has been so good to me to bless me with such a friend!

I'm not restless, but I am so ready for more. I am content, yet never fully satisfied. I just want to live the fullest life I can live. I have come to the conclusion that I don't fit in here. In this life, in this world, even among Christians. I must be made for something else.

I am so blessed, and I have no room to complain. I wouldn't anyway, at least not publicly. But I would like to invite those who are with me on desiring so much more, to pray for God to show up and move. I have such a longing for him to move in me. What He did for me and my faith over the summer was so amazing. So unlike any place I had ever been with him before. And now that that season is over I want to keep moving forward to the next season, and the one after that! There is so much life to be lived and so many people to share truth with. My deepest desire is to be used by Christ.

I have died to most of my dreams, but a few remain in the backdrop of my mind. I believe that in time, God will do these things in my life, but he has placed me in this season for his glory and I have some things to do here. And here is about the best place I have ever been. And above my own dreams, I truly desire what God has for me. He has proven time and time again that he knows me so well and what he desires for my life truly is so much greater than anything I could ask or imagine.

And yes, I do have hard days sometimes, as I see those I love living some aspects of life I am still waiting on God to work out in my own life. But the thing about waiting on God is that you are actively pursuing him, just as a hunter stands in wait, ready and expectant. God never changes. His plans for the lives of his children are always for the greatest good. And the lessons I have learned as I wait on God have been so transforming, and would not have been fully learned had I had everything I thought I needed, when I thought I should have them, like so many I know received.

The truth is that God is way more amazing then our human mentality could even being to understand. His mercy goes beyond all understanding as well. And the best truth about following God is that regardless of my circumstances, he never changes. His plans for me always remain the same. I cannot imagine trying to do life without Jesus, and I praise God I never had to try!

Blessed!

Life sure is busy right now! I am fully into the swing of things at work now, very much enjoying working with kids and their foster families. Some days as I am talking with a child, I almost feel as though this is was I was made to do. And then there is the part of me that so strongly wishes it was my turn to be the foster parent. But I know that will come. This is my season to be the case manager. 

And on top of a very busy schedule for my day job, there is the demands of ministry as well as a second job. I visited the church I grew up in today, and A sweet little elderly friend of mine asked me today at church how my love life was. I told her I am much too busy for love right now. At least the romantic kind that requires the time of investing in a relationship and spending those after work hours with a special someone. Right now, my after work or after ministry hours often take me to bed time, so I spend them sleeping! 

But I am so alive! I LOVE this life I am living. I spent quite some time not being able to say that. I love the struggles I have been though for what they have taught me. I love the fact that I do not have my own children right now, means that I can invest that much more of me into the children I work with and those I mentor. I love that all those years I felt like I was missing out while stuck managing childcare or babysitting while others were having fun, gave me the credibility to tell a foster mom of a toddler tips and tricks for the current stage of development. 

I love that a lot of my dreams did not come true, and because of that I live so many better ones! I love the freedom I have in being single and living my life to help other people. I love that I am the one my teenagers text at 2am when they are struggling. I love that I can be the one to tell them (or really anyone) that God thinks they are amazing and he has awesome plans for there future. I love that God has taught me that waiting on him is an essential lesson of life, and that finding peace is usually more important then finding answers. But mostly I love that I can count on my creator to provide and place me exactly where he wants me for this season of life. I now realize that God has equipped me for this season. I am thankful that he has helped me to see that if he gave me a few children, I would touch a few lives, but by not giving me children yet, I am actively connected to the lives of well over 60 kids right now! 

At this stage in life I have so much less than what I thought I wanted, but I have so much more then I ever knew I could have. My life looks completely opposite of what I thought it would by this stage in life, and I love it so very much! I count of God changing things as he sees fit. But for now, I am going to continue to praise God for every new sunrise, and that his mercy's are new each morning. I know who I serve and that though my circumstances may change, my Jesus never does!

Seasons

I can not believe today is the last day of September! I love change, and this beautiful season of Fall in the Midwest, as trees change and burst fourth in colorful new hews, is only a part of the shift I am enjoying. Tomorrow will begin a new month and a new chapter for me. God has done SO much in me lately, and I have just been taking it all in! This most recent season of growing has been so enjoyable in contrast to the last season of growth which was mostly painful. But it has been wonderful, even though it has been so busy!

With conferences, camps and retreats requiring so many weekends away, and working so many hours, mostly in ministry, I have fallen behind in a few areas. My house is not as clean as usual and I am months behind on making new baby gifts for a few friends, which I hope to complete this weekend, or these babies are not going to need what I am making! And I fall into bed every night around 1AM exhausted, but thankful. A full life is worth a lot!

God is so good to me and continues to change so much in me that is not what it needs to be. I used to repeatedly ask or even at times, beg God for things I thought I should have. Then I began to pray that he would bless me with what I needed for the day, or the season. Now, I ask him once for something I need or would like, and then after that I simply thank him for the thing that has been released in heaven, and is coming my way. And it is almost as though learning to let go and trust God this much, means I just do what he puts in front of me, and the things I need just seem to fall into my lap. That is the way it has been working lately, and I find a new blessing as I continue to work through to surrender as God brings different areas of my life to mind. I am not "fighting" God, or really myself any longer, and I have this deep well of peace that almost constantly washes over me. It is so amazing!

Sure, I have dreams and ambitions. I have learned contentment, but I am not satisfied. I have some good goals that might not look so reachable on paper, but I will not forget that I serve a God who owns the cattle on 1000 hills, and when I have a need, he can sell some of them for my gain. I have a good plan and I know God will make a way, because that is his nature, even if in the end it looks way different from what I expect. Sure, there is waiting involved, but that fire that refines us while waiting is there to get out all the impurities within, not burn us to a crisp. And I have come to realize that God does amazing things if we let him, while we wait on him. And then waiting doesn't look like waiting, but living a redeemed life.

So October, you are welcome here. Holy Spirit, come with your refining fire and blow though my life and refine me for this new chapter and this shift in seasons. Thank you, Jesus, for positive change! I cannot even begin to thank you enough!

Who I Am

I suppose I have spent the last few years figuring out who I am and who I want to become. I think I know who I am, and then something happens and I feel like I no longer have a clue. I have had many defining seasons in the last few years, some more significant then others, but the biggest thing I have learned is that life is a process. It's about walking enough baby steps forward and suddenly realizing that you have covered 100 miles.

I have healed so much in the last few months. God has supercharged my relationship with him and through realizing the kind of new life I can have, I continue to heal and grow. But what bothers me is that it is still going on. That this is still a process and not a mission complete. I have been wounded, but we all have been in one way or another. I want to be emotionally healthy, and I feel that I usually am. But I am not there yet. Not quite to where I need to be, and far from where I want to be.

I usually have no problem offering love, even to those who are more difficult to love, but sometimes, I feel unlovable. Do I wear my scars for everyone to see? Do they worn people as I come near? And trusting someone new who wants to come close, that they have good intentions is way more of a process then it has ever been. The one who scared me the most had the best of intentions in the beginning. He even appeared to be acting honorably as he was massacring my heart and emotions. I felt so unworthy, so unloved and like a complete failure all at once. And I carried those labels along with a lot of shame, as if it was who I was and what I deserved.

This brought my most difficult season. And the heartache that followed the loss of the man who asked me to marry him, my best friend and first love at once, has taken years to recover from. Life had ill quipped me for the emotions I would experience when I had the innermost part of who I am completely massacred, scraped away and left there in a mess of blood and pain. I felt left for dead, except I kept breathing, even when I didn't want to. Even when I tried to stop, I was somehow alive, yet not living. Life was being lived around me, but I didn't know how to live anymore. I was so broken I sat on my bed and cried, until there were no tears left. I slept a lot and hardly ate. And then somehow, I began to live again. And I have been living ever since, processing, healing, growing. And after all of this, and a few years, I thought I would be closer then I am to being whole.

The truth is that we live in a fallen world. Sadly, I'm not first and won't be the last to write such things. I have never written so honestly about that time before, because I was still so ashamed. I think my shame of having a failed engagement prevented me from doing so many things. But I have realized that it was not my fault things went the way they did. I tried everything I could think of to make it work. I tried to be more selfless, more loving, more giving. I read the relationship books, I talked to happily married Christian mentors. But the biggest problem was that he gladly accepted all of my love but was just done wanting to love me back, and instead told me how I needed to do better. I had been raised to understand unconditional love, and that love is a choice, so this was the first time in my life where someone I loved refused to love me back. It was beyond devastating. But I absolutely believe Romans 8:28 that "all things work together for the good of those who love him, and are called according to his purpose."

I have come to realize that I want and deserve better then what I have had. Sin makes us do all kind of crazy things and as I strive to walk in righteousness, my life is very full. I mentor and teach a lot of people, who I would have no clue what to do with had it not been for my own struggles and spending time in the pit. I thrive on giving my time and talents to others and offering love. It fulfills me, and satisfies my soul. These seasons of feeling unlovable and broken have helped me to better relate to those I am now pouring into. But I am realizing how much striving is required in life. To get to where you want to go, there has got to be a sizable measure of passion and desire. I am not exactly sure where I am going, but I know it is going to be an emotionally healthier place, with new experiences and new thrills. I thrive on the unpredictable nature of life! I love the unexpected joys on the journey, as I begin to clearly see that God has a lot better for me.

Just Some Thoughts

I have reconnected with a few old friends lately. It is an interesting thing to me to now again be in contact with some people who knew me when I was at a much different time in life, and then to reconnect now. One friend knew me when we were children. It has been so interesting reconnecting after so much time, and seeing how we have changed as we grew up.

The biggest difference I have noticed in me is the fact that I am so much more confident in who I am, and I know that has a direct correlation to who I am in Christ. It's truly amazing to me. I'm still me, only better. It's like I'm more of the me I was created to be.

Since going to the Power and Love conference last month, I have just been overwhelmed by God's goodness. I feel so much better equipped to be able to minister to those around me as life happens. God is blessing me in ways I never even considered he might, and I have never felt so alive. I have been experiencing God in such incredible ways lately. He has been showing up a lot lately in my life and as I go about my day. I just cannot seem to keep what I know to myself any longer. This shift in me has effected everything, and it is totally amazing!

I have been encountering the Holy Spirit lately too, and he has shown me a lot about love and lack. He is my helper, teacher and friend. And I am only just begining to get to know him. He is showing me where I have believed things that are not true about myself and about my life. And as I get to know him better, he is just opening my eyes to all kinds of amazingness! It's like I keep getting the prize just because I show up. It is so wonderful. I have stopped asking for things for myself and have been focused on the needs of others. I just cannot stop thanking him for his goodness. He knows my needs and my heart's desires, so he just keeps showing up and blessing me. This season is so wonderful! I sure hope it is a long one!

Jesus' Power and Love

Last week I visited Ohio, with my little brother Ethan. We we blessed to stay with my big brother and his family and visit with them while we were there to attend a really awesome conference which basically taught us to live, and minister like Jesus. Power and Love Ministries has some amazing teachers, but my favorites were Dan Mohler and Todd White of Neck Ministries. The messages of the two were so simple. I do not think I have ever heard the Gospel preached in such a simple, applicable way before.


The basic message is know God, and love him, and because of that love for him, love others by ministering to them just as Jesus did. It is essentially living out Luke 10:27 “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” To do all this, you also have to know love. You cannot begin to understand God or yourself, let alone your neighbor if you do not love yourself. 


The best way to show Jesus to others is though his love and power. By first knowing our identity in Christ, understanding it and believing it, we then can go out and show others. I was surprised at how many lies I realized I had been believing though the duration of the 4 day conference. I had made agreements with these lies telling me things like, "God speaks through other people, just not you."  "You would have these desires of your heart satisfied, if only you could be more faithful." There were others too. But I realized that it was not God, but well intending men who put these thoughts into my head because they did not understand their own value in Christ. 


I went through a entire season where I thought that introspection was the way to know God and myself. But as it turned out, the more answers I found, the more questions I had, and the answers didn't always lead me closer to God. They often left me seeking and believing that God would come through if I preformed the right way. But godly wisdom and the wisdom of man is different. And the thing is that I know better! I wasn't taught this by my parents or my Sunday School teachers. No, I was taught about God's redemptive love. That when my parents told me throughout my childhood that there was nothing I could do to make them stop loving me, God felt the same way. I'm not sure where I went so wrong, but it doesn't really matter. Love doesn't keep score.


I so enjoyed learning from some great teachers, and being blessed by brothers and sisters in Christ, with names I might not have even known. That people can just look at me, and ask me if they can pray for me. I was blessed just to be asked! And the prayers and prophetic word that comes out as they go! Major blessings! I was so encouraged and dumped a bunch of baggage. After being prayed for and hugely blessed, at lunch with some friends I kept taking in huge breaths and letting them out in peaceful sighs. It was as though someone had been camped out on my chest, weighing me down and restricting my breathing for years, and now that they finally packed their bags and left, I realized the difference. A huge weight was lifted. I felt more free to be me. Not the me others think I should be, but the woman God created me to be. I feel so whole and it feels so good!


So many great things happened at the conference. People were healed, short legs grew, people were set free from bondage, blessed, validated and the Gospel was shared. My friend who was at the conference with me wrote more on this here. I was asked to pray over someone and as I was praying, God gave me a vision of how he sees her and I was able to give that word to her! I was so excited that God would use me like that!


I was so blessed that week! Since I have been home, I have been praying over everyone I find in need, and every time, pain leaves, and I am believing for complete healing. I was even able to pray away my own migraine before the pain began! I am so thankful that through the Holy Spirit, I have access to the power Christ left us. Jesus came to take away all sin, sickness and pain. We just have to pray it away with faith, believing God can do what he says he can do, in Jesus name!

Singleness, A Blessings

Change is on the way. I have been continually changing in the last few years, but I feel that what is coming will be more a sustained change. I welcome it!

God has taught me so much in the last few years, and taken me places with him, I never even knew I could go. It has been so amazing! I have also really tried to enjoy this single season of my life. I have spent most of my 20's a single person, and I only regret that I did not spend the first half loving my life and singleness as I have in the second half. But at least I have come to enjoy this single life as I am still living it.

I think one of the biggest blessings in singleness is that I have been able to have this amazing time where it has just been me and my Creator. I don't have to worry about taking care of a husband, and considering the needs of another. I am free to pick up and go at a moment's notice, (and I do). I have been able to press into my Jesus as life gets tough and have had this amazing relationship, that would have never happened if I had a man in my life to turn to.

My praying friends, who are mostly all married, tell me how lucky I am to be single and in ministry. They say how blessed I am that I can get these good habits established now before I have a family to care for. And I have begun to believe them. Plus is has been really fun praying for each other and praying for the desires of my friends hearts. I love these friendships we share. Through praying together and studying together, I have grown so much closer to God and to them. It has been great! The best part about praying together is that it is easier to spot prayers answered, with more people to remember what was prayed.

This time has also given me years to grow up and allowed me the opportunity to change what I would like in a husband. Had I married 7 years ago, as I wanted to, I would have missed out on so much blessing.

I do hope marriage is in my future, but I have more than enough to do in my singleness. But whatever happens, I know I will be blessed as long as I continue to walk with Jesus.

Lessons Of Life

I thought I knew things before. I thought I had the answers. Looking back, I knew so little. Praise God I started to grow up! I made some horrible mistakes first though, and it cost me my peace.

Trying to discern God's will has become a healthy quest of mine. I love this life of seeking after my creator until I find him. Pressing in, going after and putting off the other things in my life until he is found. The other day I went to a quiet park with a little muddy pond, seeking answers. It always seems easier to hear God speaking to my heart when I am surrounded by his creation.

I am in the middle of this little park sitting on a fallen log among the trees, with a little of the pond visible ahead of me. I can see nothing man made, and if it weren't for the train whistle I could forget there are others just up the road. But for that moment, it is just me and God. I talk to him, but I get distracted and my thoughts wander.  I forget to just be still, to listen, to ask him questions and that he is with me here, and that we are supposed to be having a conversation. I think maybe I better head back, and before I finish that thought I hear him say "Not yet."

Alright, God, you must have something for me. I decide I would sing to welcome his spirit. I find myself frustrated when I can hardly get through the first verse of How He Loves, a song I have lead during worship and often sing when I want to connect with God. I am separated from him I can tell. But why, I begin to question. Lord, is there any unforgiven sin I am carrying? I pray and don't really hear anything but am determined to connect with God. I begin singing and song after song comes to me. I praise God and finally, 15 songs later I feel I should sing How He Loves. By the time I was through the first verse I was wrecked by emotion. I struggled to finish the song, voice cracking, hardly able to get the words out to the end.

My spirit was completely broken and I began to cry. The tears flowed of bottled frustration, a lack of faith, and the relief that I was once again experiencing God. It is scary when I call out for God and cannot find him, for he is not only with me, but lives in me. Then I realized my separation from God was my lack of faith. I sobbed loudly, begging for forgiveness on that fallen tree, turned study and prayer bench. My eyes were shut, but I could sense that God was right in front of me. Drawing in a long deep breath, I opened my eyes and looked around, suddenly aware that I was in a public park and that I might not be the only one enjoying the day there.

I closed my eyes again, hoping that if anyone did hear me they were blessed by my singing. "Jesus," was about all I could get out at this point. I leaned forward, and the air was thick and warm around me, though it was a cool day. I knew in my spirit that Holy Spirit was there with me in this beautiful place. The tears flowed even more just knowing that I was not alone. I leaned back again and I could sense Jesus next to me. It was just the feeling of a friend being there, reminding me I was never alone.

My tears very rarely flow in this season of my life. Just about the only time is when God moves my spirit. But it was such a beautiful moment with my Father and this was such a cleansing cry. It came totally unexpected. As I took a deep breath in, I was filled with abundant gratitude for my God. For the fact that he just loves me for me! For the fact that he has chosen to bless me so greatly, and not according to what I have earned or deserve. I am so far from deserving this abundant life I am living.

The more I learn, the more I realize I have to learn. But God is hearing my prayers for a love of his word and to understand his ways. I am learning to love adversity for the wisdom it teaches and understanding how vital it is to be joyful and praise God despite my circumstances. I am so thankful for the painful seasons I have had to walk through and the way they have equipped me to mentor and teach other women.

My lessons this week have come from watching this completely sold out, crazy for Jesus, Christian, who God's spirit is so strongly fallen on, he heals others with a word of knowledge that God places in his heart, and through declaring God's promises. I am striving to spend 90% of my prayer thanking him for who he is and for who his word says I am. I am expecting to see some major fruit!

Discovering Jesus

I have become a different person in the last 9 months or so. Maybe it has been longer, but it has been at least that long. I try to pinpoint a time and I just get confused because life is busy, and God is doing such a complete transformation in me, it is hard to say when things really have changed and how. But I know I am far from what I used to be.

I know this to be true because I don't talk the same. I don't think the way I used to or act like I once did. I do not even see myself the same way when I look in the mirror. I used to see what I am not, and now I see what I am becoming. I asked God to transform me, and maybe that is exactly what has happened.

This change is a hard one to explain. I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. I was raised in a Christian home and my mom said I was 4 when I prayed with her to ask Jesus into my life. At age 17 along with an arena of other teenagers, I recommitted my life to Christ at an Acquire The Fire youth event. I gave up soap operas and have never been interested in them since. It was a tangible change. I was a good kid, and fear of authority and "doing the Christian thing," kept me from having too much fun in high school. I also have a lot of younger siblings who were watching what I did.

Since high school, discovering Jesus has been such a journey. One that if I realized the cost and sacrifice, I would have just stayed on the pew with most Christians. I set out trying to figure out my faith, and trying to know Jesus. I prayed for faith and wisdom, for understanding and knowledge. I began reading the Bible by the book. I started seeking to know Jesus. And my as I discovered more about Jesus, I wanted to know more and more. It was like a strange addiction. One that I prayed for.

Now, I call Jesus my friend. I call on him first and often, and he responds to my cries. I have thought about the concept of Jesus, a man, my friend, more and more. I think about God, my father. I wish I could see them in my physical life. I would love to just sit and chat with Jesus at Starbucks, or to call God when I am having a problem and drive over to his house and let his big hug make it all better, if only for a moment. O the joy of having them in my life in the physical sense! To have Jesus be my biggest fan, and see God sing over me when I do something right. That would be amazing! And all the girls would be so jealous of my friend, Jesus. If he were here with me in the flesh, I'm sure I would want him for my man. What kind of a girl wouldn't want a man who always did the right thing, would never let you down, was a pro at wiping tears, and always knew what to say?

Yes, I think of Jesus in a whole new way these days. And I love all the The Lord is teaching me. And I desire to be so much closer to him still. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am so glad that he is here with me for this journey. The last 11 years have been great and I know the next will be amazing!

Breaking Fast

I experienced a wonderful extended fast this Lenten season. I believe I will see the fruit of it for a long time. And I will be looking for it. I write this not to pat myself on the back, but because I so desire to boast in my God.

I have never experienced an extended fast before and I thought it was going to be really hard. But after reading about why Christian's should practice fasting, I set aside the chocolate I was eating and began that moment. It was a little difficult the first few days and I was crabby, but after day 3 I felt really amazing. It had been so long since my head was so clear, even first thing in the morning. The dizziness I often experience was really bad the first day, but has yet to return since. There is so much physical healing that can take place through a fast. The results and healing are faster in a water fast than a juice fast, but ether way it is amazing how the body heals itself when digestion gets a break.

I began with a water fast, and thought I would go three days. But as I kept going and read more about fasting, I realized that a longer fast would bring more spiritual and physical gain. So I kept going. About five days in, I was determined to go 10 days. I made it to 8 and blacked out twice that day. God was talking to me, and told me the things I had been fasting for have been released in heaven, and it would just be a matter of time before the reached earth. He told me to eat. So at the end of the day, I decided to make some apple carrot juice, because you have to be careful in breaking a water fast or you can get sick. The next day I juiced again, but because it made such a mess, I decided to just my vita mix and make smoothies. I continued on with my smoothie fast, intending to break it this week, so I could be used to eating "normal" food by Easter. I had gained so much physically and spiritually. I felt like God was alright with me breaking the fast.

One top of the spiritual gain, I have abundant energy and I just feel so healthy. I want to exercise and look forward to my daily walk and time outside with God. The greatest gain I received was a heightened awareness of the Holy Spirit. The part of the Trinity I am just getting to know. When I would go to have some quiet time, I didn't spend 5 or 10 minuets getting to a place where I could find God and feel like we were communicating like I typically do. I would just go and we would be in that place together. I would get into my car and just smile so big as Jesus Culture was playing. I would be so filled with overwhelming joy that at times I would not even be able to speak! This kind of thing has never happened to me before. It has been so cool. I cannot raise my hand high enough to praise my Savior in my car. I have been very spiritually sensitive, and it has been so astounding to me. I don't want to lose this! If my body did not need food, I would never eat again!

Now that I have broken my fast, I miss it. An extended fast was so much easier than I thought it would be. I prepared dinner for others and went out to eat with friends without eating a thing but hot water with a bit of fresh lemon juice. When I transitioned to only fruit and vegetable smoothies, it made it easier to go out with friends, because then I would have a vegan salad. I only craved eggs and dairy. I love my smoothies and will still have one a day. I would usually have a morning fruit smoothie and an evening vegetable one a lot of water while fasting, and I would not even be that hungry. The hunger pangs now that I am eating again are deeper and more annoying. Almost to the extent that I want to go back to eating a raw diet.

This fast was life changing for me in so many ways! I do expect to see God move in a whole new way now. And he spoke to me a lot and answered some big questions as I was fasting. My first extended fast was an amazing experience, and I plan on doing it again in the future.

Big Fish In A Little Pond

Yesterday morning after enjoying our Thursday ritual of breakfast with some amazing kids from MHS, I was done with Bagels around 7:45, and the stores I needed to go to did not open til 9. I didn't even need to drop any kids off at school, like I usually do. Since I was already in Mishawaka, and it had to have been in the 60's, I thought I would go to Beutter Park, and sit on my favorite bench at the beginning of the waterfalls, by the reflective sculptures for some quiet time.

The Third seat from the left is where I usually sit. (The benches are on the far right.)

I wandered over to favorite bench, which is away from the main pathways, as the ducks were still sleeping on the edge of the water, and the geese were beginning to wake up. I noticed the splashing sound once in a while that disrupted the still of the morning. The sun had not even come up at this point, and the park lights were still lit. As I opened my purse Bible to Proverbs and as I began to read I kept finding myself distracted by random thoughts or a goose honking loudly, and the occasional splash of a fish as the water rushed past the cascading waterfalls. The splashing sound seemed to come with greater frequency as the sun began to rise. Then I would turn back to my reading.

The splashing was becoming a distraction at this point and, I looked up to see fins moving above water.  The fish were well over a foot each, and I realized they were flopping around and fighting the swift current to stay where they were and not go on over to the next level of the falls. This part of the park I was enjoying includes a man made river race, where the water had been channeled away from the river to power the Ball Band/Uniroyal factories years ago. This unnatural part of the river, caused the fish struggle, as they had to flop over the cement curves of the race.

As the flopping continued, I got up and walked over to observe the struggle. I couldn't help but think of how much these silly fish were struggling to get to the next place, just to do it all over again. I thought, if only the fish would just give in to the flow of the current, they could just glide along the water they would eventually make it safely back to where the channel flows back into the river. But at every point, the fish again struggled and resisted, before they finally flowed over the falls. And then I thought of my life, and the things I am begging God for.

How often we struggle and fight against the current as we are so close to the point of freedom from what keeps us captive. Just as a flopping fish struggles to swim upstream, we fight with everything in us to have it our way. But surrender, as I could see yesterday, would make the journey so much more enjoyable, and allow the struggle to end so much sooner.

Africa, My Love

I keep talking to my kids and the ladies in my Bible study about how we need to depend on God like my friends in Africa do. I cannot tell you the times I have said "We need faith like an African." But I have just come to realize that God gives the poor more faith because of their material lack. It was a bit of a sad revelation for me, but I have accepted this call to ministry and missions in my life, and the fact that I will most likely never be rich with material wealth, so perhaps I too can share in the blessing of great faith.

I so badly want to adopt some children from Liberia since I first visited the beautiful country 5 years ago. It grieves my heart that Liberian adoptions closed and though it has been years, have still not opened up complected yet, though I am thankful that special needs adoptions are being processed. Other countries are also in the same boat, with adoptions closing, and hardly any going through. I believe when done rightly, adoptions open the doors for an amazing exchange of culture and can be in the best interest of both parties. Perhaps I will fast and pray for that to change this lent. For the orphans of the world to be adoptable and for the connection of theses precious children, and the families that God intends them to be a part of. I am not in a position to adopt right now, and God is telling me no anyway, but others can. And the need of orphans in the world is great. But we serve an even greater God.

I could go on and on about orphanages in Africa, and even the "Christian" orphanages around the globe. I could go an and on about the corruption, I witnessed first hand, but I won't. I was only 23 when a self seeking man was blatantly lying to me and his staff, smearing the good name of a family I had worked closely with in ministry in Africa at a meeting he asked me to attend. Palms sweating, heart racing, God prompting, I called him out on it with a boldness I had yet to realize was in me. He laughed at me and tried to tell me he was right because he was older and had been to the US before I was born. But he failed because not only was I disgusted by him and not afraid of him, but his staff heard what I had said. God sure took care of me there, because it was his words I spoke that day and I could have been punished by choosing to open my mouth by that deceptive man. My US team, my security, had left already and I felt a little abandon. Technically, I working in Africa under the deceptive man, and he could have made my life really hard. God had me though and I had the orphanage director and my good friend Prince to take care of me until I left for home about a week after that.

Africa is is so visibly broken. So in need of education and true religion. But so is the rest of the third world. I do feel that I will be back in that beautiful country someday to serve. Maybe I'll run an orphanage. There are so many precious children to love. I tell you, for those 2 and a half months I lived at an orphanage in Liberia, I knew for the first time in my life that I was exactly where God wanted me; in the middle of those 500 children, teaching them, holding them, loving them and crying with them. Feeling stretched to my limits daily, and only taking a break from them to eat, sleep, read my Bible and journal. It was the most amazing thing that God has ever done with me.

And so we pray for the pregnant teenagers, and the children born to parents who will not be what they need. And those precious babies that are so near to God's heart. It may look different, but I believe teen pregnancy is just as much an issue among the poorer people here as it is in Africa. So I continue to pray and serve in the ways God puts on my heart.

All Things New

A friend picked up a brand new AA foster baby from the hospital today, and oh does it make me want to beg God for my turn. I want a newborn brown baby too! They already were told it was a most likely be a TPR (adoptable child) situation. I am so excited for this family, and it stirs my heart. Lord, I cry out, I could do it! I could be a foster mother now and raise babies. But he still says, "not yet."

I am so good at bargain shopping, I scare myself. Today I was thrift shopping with a friends girls. I kept telling them as they looked around, "ask yourself, 'what could this become?'" I was going to teach them how to repurpose some old things. We found some wooden jewelry boxes for less than a dollar, just begging for girls to paint and decoupage them. And I picked up a coffee table for $15. It needs some work, but I see what it will become. And for now, I guess that is what my sights should be set on. Seeing the beauty that is there through the dirt and grime of life.

And my teenagers... I love them. One had me up, texting last night about how high school is such a waste when you want to follow your dreams. After two hours, I think I got my point across on why it was necessary to finish what is in front of you. By the time my student's frustration had passed, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, and felt like I could finally say how tired I was and goodnight. I think teenagers are way more exhausting than babies! They have mostly taken that need to nurture a little one from me. And I do have my 3 year old hyperactive sister, and my 7 month old high needs nephew, whom I watch a few times a week for my baby fix. But there is just something about the beauty of bringing a baby home from the hospital. I helped my mom do it once with a newborn foster baby. It was amazing.

And even when I get that place with an extra bedroom, as much as I would like to turn it into a nursery, I would be wasting my time because I know that as soon as I have it, I'll get a text about a friend of one of my kids who doesn't have a place to stay. And she might be pregnant like the one last week that needed a place to stay. That room will probably need a crib and bunk beds or something like that!

I have told so many youth in the last year and a half, not to have sex and not to get pregnant, but if they do, come to me and I would do everything I can to help, including adopting the baby if that was what they want. I pretty much throw it out there with my kids these days. With my girls, it's become what we say to each other when we say goodbye. They will say it to me too, "Don't have sex. Don't get pregnant." We even joke, "Kisses lead to pregnancy. No kissing!" I know most of them listen to me, and respect what I tell them, but I'm not naive enough to think that all of my kids will abstain. Nor am I willing to let them get into more trouble after a mistake, because they don't think I will offer unconditional grace and love. These kids have already lived a life of that. I refuse to be one more person who failed to come through for them.

Just when I think I am figuring out what God wants me to do, it changes. It makes me smile though, because I love the change of life. Too much of the same makes me apathetic. God knows me well. I am so excited to realize my God really gets me. He may be the only soul on this earth who actually does!

So I will continue to scrub off the dirt and grime in the lives of my precious students, as they face the biggest battles of their lives, and tend the wounds that become exposed and infected in the process. Only God would place me in ministry at the high school that's biggest rival is the high school I graduated. And it is all for His glory. I am falling so much more in love with my Savior as I help my dear students cleanse themselves of the filth life continues to slather on them. Only by God's grace. Only because of the lamb that was slain.

My Valentine

I only want Jesus. No other man could satisfy me the way he does. And I find myself wishing that he were walking the earth, looking for a wife, and that he would find me. Well I am sure he could find more deserving women. But I so badly want to connect with him on the most intimate level. I have been praying for a man who is the closest to Jesus of any. But we are all fallen, and I am certainly not without sin. If it were not for the fact that God created me to want to be physically close and intimate with a husband, I would be so filled with joy to think of only Jesus and me forever. But for this season, he is mine and I am his.

But he is all I am thinking about at this time. I want to be single right now. I want this time to just be for me and my savior. I want so badly to grow so much closer to my God, right now while I do not have the distractions that married mothers have. I have the freedom in my life right now for it to just be me and my Jesus. And I am so in love with him. And I find myself falling deeper and deeper each day. It's just so amazing to me. I desire Jesus to walk with me and talk with me as though he were here in the flesh. I so wish that he would be here with me in the flesh.

And so I claim Jesus as my Valentine. For now and forever. Only he knows if there will ever be another love in my life. But I will praise him and love him as long as I have breath in me. He is what I need. And truly, none of my needs are unmet.

Footprints of Grace

My soul is at rest. I breathe in and out with a lightness I could very easily become accustomed to. Peace is overwhelming me. In the last 4 days I have spent at least part of my day with other believers, in meetings and worship. I was not really looking forward to my weekend being so full, but I was pleasantly surprised at all the blessing that came out of such a weekend. 

Friday, I enjoyed a morning worshiping and studying with some wonderful ladies at our James Bible Study. During our discussion time, we happened upon a difficult subject, and I was struck by the fact that I had some answers. I am leading this group with a dear friend who is like a Grandmother to me. She was my leader over a year ago when we studied Believing God, a great Beth Moore Bible study. Anyway, I had discovered some insight over the last few years and I had some of the answers. I am walking with God and he is revealing to me his heart and teaching me such amazing things. 

I am so bad at memorizing Scripture, but I am in the word more, and God is helping me to find what I seek in the Bible. James 1:17 calls God the father of good gifts. Beth Moore is so quotable, and I love how she said "God uses time to unwrap presents that appear as curses." I'm shouting "AMEN!" aloud in my quiet place of study, as though Beth and I are having a conversation. And then she said, "Temptation attempts to tear open the package before its due date, and in so doing, disfigures what's inside." So flee from temptation and believe that God will use your scars for his glory if you will let him!

Friday evening, I had a Young Life fellowship dinner followed by some community time and amazing worship. I made friends with some new ND freshman who will be new leaders. I got to hang out and chat with some amazing people who love Jesus, and I really enjoyed a devotion on Acts 2:42-47. I am liking Acts more and more. Then I met a friend at Starbucks, and we talked life and ministry. I told her about a book I had been reading in the afternoon about prayer, and how we need to ask God what to pray before we just go off and assume we know his will. So I asked God how he wanted me to pray in a few situations, and was amazed at what he told me. I am so thankful I serve a God who tells me what I want to know! I just wish he did every time. 

Saturday I was up early for another YL meeting, this time, being a part of the planning for the next year. I am the newest one to this group, and I absolutely enjoyed spending most of my day discussing the future, and laughing and sharing with a group of people who love Jesus and teenagers. Plus the lunch was amazing! And the hosts were just about as good as you can have. And being the newest senior leader, I felt totally welcomed and loved by the committee and the other senior leaders.

After that, I went home and finished a sewing project for a friend's new baby. Then I met a friend at the local mega church, for some more worship! At this time I was super excited that I was totally connecting with God. We were aligned for some parts of the day and my soul felt so free. It is such an amazing thing to experience. I have been enjoying this church on Saturday evenings lately. It was some good worship and a decent message, followed by Starbucks.

Sunday I woke earlier than normal. I was eager to get to church, and so ready to see God move in my congregation and in my life. I crave more worship time than the typical 3 songs before the sermon. But we sang some wonderfully classic songs, and I connected with God. My favorite of the morning was Jesus Paid It All. I absolutely love singing that song!

This evening, I had my prayer group, and the study we are doing on A Praying Life, and it is really challenging me on what I believe on Prayer and God's nature. Every day of study I find myself questioning the author, as well as all I have believed before to be true about my God. I feel so full of grace and light, I think I may be able to fly!

Jesus Paid It All

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe;
My sin had left this crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

It’s washed away
All my sin
And all my shame

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save,"
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

O praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead

We’ll praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead

Ministry Moving Forward

I have been struggling with some things lately. I guess that is evident from my writing. I thought my season of questioning was over, but it doesn't seem to be. I'm better than I was last week. I just got an update from a friend I have been praying for, and though some specific prayer has yet to be answered, she shared with me a lot of little answers, and I am so excited and encouraged! Yes, there are still some big things to pray for, for my friend, but God is faithful and he will come through.

It is such encouragement today. Last night I met with some of my praying friends, and part of our time was spent praying for our heart's cry to God. After our meeting we were talking a bit and a friend and were talking of some answered prayer. I knew I got an answer last week for something we prayed for, but I wasn't sure what we had prayed and what it was answering. As I was talking with this friend she said that she felt there was something that God wanted to me to partner with him in, for this season of my singleness. I got in my car, and excitedly said, "God, what are we going to do?"

I met with a mentor yesterday and after we talked a while, she asked me what God has been saying to me, because usually I will mention a few answers as we talk. I could only think of one situation, when I was in church listening to missionaries from Mission On The Move talk about what they do in Mexico, and that they needed help. I asked God if he wanted me to go, and I heard a quick "no." What then, God? They have a new project in Nakuru Kenya, and I have been in that city when I was in Kenya. I prayed about that, but Kenya is not on my heart like Liberia is.

I'm trying to do all I can to seek God and find my way. A friend of mine just confessed to me the other day that she thinks she still has some learning to do. I have realized this some time ago, and since we both have yet to hit 30, I guess it is good we realize this now. My trying now includes a Bible study on how to live a praying life with some vital prayer group time, leading a Bible study on James (by my favorite Bible teacher Beth Moore!) and an accountability group with a few friends, as well as other ministry with my youth Wednesday evening and Thursday morning, and church Saturday and Sunday. Thursdays will be filled once school beings. I am more focused on the growing at the moment, but the other ministries are great too. Maybe I'm crazy to be involved in so much, but I have the time now, and I seek to serve God with my life.

I may not have the great house or the wonderful husband, but I am living my life the way I have wanted to for some time, intentionally setting myself up to grow spiritually and emotionally and connect with others, and trying to be in a position to let God to use me as he desires. This is all good stuff! I cannot do it all on my own. I try but I fall.  Being in a Bible study and prayer group have been one of the best things I have done to grow closer to God and to grow as a person. We all grow together and learn from each other. It has been so rewarding and helpful through some darker seasons. I wish I would have joined a Bible study much sooner. There is just something about studying God's word with other believers and having the accountability and support as life comes at you.

Who I Am

Well, I am still figuring that out. But I shocked myself to find that I like myself the way I am. I am usually a pretty chill person. I have my moments, but we all do. But the thing is that in life, we all face some kind of rejection, and some more than others. I was trying to argue this broken heart thing with an African friend last night, and he was preaching it to me! I felt like a whiny baby after one of his comments. And he pulled the Jesus card. How could I argue with that?

I have been thinking about worth. Self-worth mostly. I am learning more and more about the power of prayer and the awesome way God heals us. The way he takes our brokenness and patches us up so well. But that usually is about who we are, not how we feel about who we are. Once we realize who we are in Christ, we usually can begin to see our value.

I was laying in bed one morning, considering what I could do to lose some weight. I realized in that moment that if I expect a man to love me just as I am, I need to really love myself, just as I am right in this moment. My accentuated curves and all. Not when I become someone better, thinner, prettier. I think at the very core of it is the human need to be loved and accepted just as we are.

I'm never going to be a size 6 and I'm ok with that. But I want to be more than just ok with it. I just want to be who God created me to be. As I was at a Middle Eastern Dance class yesterday, I realized as I watched myself in the obnoxiously large mirror wall, that I looked like quite a woman (duh!). And I have the hips to complete the moves. It was really fun, and made me feel very feminine, and actually enjoy this hourglass figure I seem to keep. At least as long as I kept my eyes on the instructor and didn't watch myself in the mirror wall. I was pretty good at it for just dropping in on a class. It reminded me of the dance class I took in high school. It felt so good to move my body and dance around to the beat. It was a nice workout, and reminded me that I am worthy. At least I know that I matter to God, and he is the one I should be most concerned about.

Friends and Faith

Life is good, but I am still waiting on God for a job, and some other things. I'm crafting and sewing all kinds of things as well as spending a lot of "sissy time" as she calls it, with my baby sister Mia. And I am helping two of my friends right now in dealing with broken relationships, and broken hearts. It's reminding me of my broken engagement, and some of the pain has come back to me. I hate it when hearts are broken. It makes me hate sin even more. It can cause such intense pain, and then I begin to question my worth. Women with broken hearts do this too much. And the enemy loves to pick at our weaknesses when we feel vulnerable. My friends complain that men break hearts, and I try to point to our human brokenness and sin.

I need more faith. I am strong and I am not struggling most of the time, but I just need more. I'm like a hungry child that is not satisfied. I hunger for worship and communion with God. Just to welcome his presence. And some pain I thought was long over has been bothering me. But the pain does bring about great growth. I am seeing this first hand and marveling at the greatness of God. I see where I have come in the last few years, and I am so amazed at how I have grown. I look at my friends pain, and I cry with her, but this is turning her to God like never before and allowing us a new closeness from sharing even more experiences.

I was talking to some homeless men at a cold weather shelter that I was praying at Monday tonight, and one man, that was most likely drunk, had mental problems, or both, kept asking that if God loves us so much, why does he let children go hungry in Africa. People go hungry all over the world. My friend said that her children have everything they need, and do not depend on God. Children in Africa usually do not have what they need, but they trust God to provide everything. She said it was all about their eternal soul. Death is gain when you believe. American's are so confused. And I find for myself, it is so much easier to have faith while in Africa. It is so much easier to explain faith to an African than to an American.

I know I need to have faith like my African friends. I know God will come through for me, and he is building a great testimony right now with my life and the way I am living.

Breakup!

It seems a lot of relationships are breaking up right now. Maybe I am just more aware of them since one of them involves my best friend. It is all in my face right now, and reminds me of the pain of my own break up a while ago. As my friend is asking herself what happened, I'm asking that as well. This is not healthy. I buried that horse long ago, and I don't need to dig it up! She is asking herself questions like, am I worthy of love, and I am surprised to be asking myself the same kind of questions.

Then I go on facebook, and knew someone who was engaged, and went to see if they got married yet, only to find no evidence of them being together any longer. It made me want to cry for them. I know he loved her. She waited and put up with him doing the wrong thing, and they were apart for a few years as he went wild and then seemed to come back to truth. According to his facebook pictures, I guess he was just not ready to be the man she needed. My heart breaks for them both. Does he even realize what he lost? Was she not patient enough with him, or perhaps was she too patient?

I'm not a fan of this season. All the hurt. The pain of rejection and dreams killed. The only positive is that this type of great brokenness opens up to great growth in a short amount of time.

Guard your hearts, and do not awaken love before its time, the Bible warns. I'm not sure you really know what you are guarding against til you have experienced love lost. And honestly, the fear of opening yourself up to the potential pain and rejection again is quite a leap. One I'm not sure I am ready to make quite yet.

I want to blame man, but really it goes back to our sinful nature. This is not God's design; that we fall quickly but not permanently in love. Love was never meant to be severed, it should be given freely and without condition. I would love to marry a man a lot like Jesus! Days like these make me long for eternity.

Another Year

Another year goes by and I find myself extremely at peace. I'm at peace with my world in a way I was not as 2011 began. I try not to have regrets, and sometimes that means I have to risk great venerability. But I feel like at this time in my life, I have nothing to lose. I suppose there are a few things, but I learned that stewing in the unknown is poison to the emotions. I seek to know what can be known and leave the rest to God.

This past year, I have had many adventures and did many things I thought I would never do. I provided leadership for 3 amazing and exhausting weeks at church camp. I discovered how to really pray in faith and watch my world and that of those I love change. I saw God come through for me. I witnessed the birth of my nephew, who made me an aunt. I have gleaned and passed on marriage and relationship advise, and I actually think I know what I am talking about now. One of my favorite mentors came to me for counsel more than just a few times. I was leader to a lovely group of women all at least 10 years older than me, through a book and Bible study on insecurity and was embraced as leader. I realized a passion for ministering to woman. I have been called and referred to as "pastor" many times, to which I had to question and then finally come to peace with the word referring to me.

God helped me find two different, yet connected ministries working with my favorite kind of youth, and have walked with teens through the good, the bad and the ugly choices they make and need to make. I began some new relationships and let healing cover some expired ones. I realized I need to search my heart and immediately confess any sin I find. Moving on to bigger and better things can be just as exciting as it is terrifying. But I am trusting God and asking that he would bless me with his will. I don't pray far from simply his will that these days. I'm still figuring out my faith, and growing by leaps and bounds makes me see how far I still have to climb. And if there is a man out there for me, I pray he is growing stronger in the ways of the Lord every day.

So what will this year bring? I have some hopes, but not yet evidence of what I wish. But that's ok. God has a history of completely and swiftly changing everything. I've never lived to check anything off a list anyway. I'm always up for a new surprise, twist or challenge. I like taking the leap of faith. A new block of time brings about the opportunity for change. I'm ready to jump!

Happy 2012!