January is more than half over at this point, but I do have a few thoughts for a new year.
So often as I pray it seems like God answers with "just trust me," or "don't you want my best?" This was really frustrating at first, but I have come to realize that I have no other good option at this point but to trust that God is working on what comes next, and lean not on my own understanding. My future belongs to him, and I know it will be a blessed one.
Where I am today is totally not my plan, but I have to believe (and do see it sometimes) that His plan is better than my own. And I do expect great blessing this year. I expect conflict and struggle, but I expect God will help me have victory as he sees fit, and at least peace in all situations.
I expect to grow close to God this year and for him to fill my cup to overflowing. Unlike other years, I'm not sure I'm ready for some of the desires of my heart to come to fruition. I would be surprised if marriage was part of God's plan this year, or in the next two, but I do know that whatever happens, God has a plan. His is a plan I have learned to want over my own.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday
Tomorrow is a Wednesday. I love the fact that I get to hang out with my youth and sing with them. I am less nervous now and even can worship a bit myself leading vocals on stage for them. The difficult part is coming up with a talk that is something they can relate to, not too deep for the kid who has not grown up in the church, and not too shallow for the one who just can't get enough of God.
Going deeper and not losing anyone has been on my mind and often in my prayers the last few weeks. NOOMA helped us last week, but this week is again up to me. I just pray that I am feeding these kids enough without losing them.
I need to be feed too and not become lost or wanting. I realize that I have too much going on. Between Wednesday night church and meetings and a prayer group, I only have about two evenings free a week. That is where I make it home around dinner time. I think I need to back off. Even on my day off, I spend the entire morning in a Bible Study. But I guess its ok, because I would most likely be sleeping if I weren’t at that Bible Study, and I would rather enjoy fellowship and learn more about God anyway.
My plate is full the rest of the week too, planning for a Spring Break mission trip and a summer full of camp and a Kenya mission trip keeps me busy, not to mention regular Wednesday and Sunday programs as well as two events a month. I have no idea how a husband could fit into this equation. But a break now and then would be nice. Thankfully I have learned by now to trust God's time.
But tomorrow is Wednesday, so I am going to pray myself to sleep shortly and pray as I wake up, that God would use me and his message would freely flow from me tomorrow night. It's a tremendous responsibility.
Going deeper and not losing anyone has been on my mind and often in my prayers the last few weeks. NOOMA helped us last week, but this week is again up to me. I just pray that I am feeding these kids enough without losing them.
I need to be feed too and not become lost or wanting. I realize that I have too much going on. Between Wednesday night church and meetings and a prayer group, I only have about two evenings free a week. That is where I make it home around dinner time. I think I need to back off. Even on my day off, I spend the entire morning in a Bible Study. But I guess its ok, because I would most likely be sleeping if I weren’t at that Bible Study, and I would rather enjoy fellowship and learn more about God anyway.
My plate is full the rest of the week too, planning for a Spring Break mission trip and a summer full of camp and a Kenya mission trip keeps me busy, not to mention regular Wednesday and Sunday programs as well as two events a month. I have no idea how a husband could fit into this equation. But a break now and then would be nice. Thankfully I have learned by now to trust God's time.
But tomorrow is Wednesday, so I am going to pray myself to sleep shortly and pray as I wake up, that God would use me and his message would freely flow from me tomorrow night. It's a tremendous responsibility.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Fly Away
If I was a bird I would fly up, up as high as I could go, soaring over the trees and mountain tops, fully taking in God's beauty, freely gliding over the clouds and get the best view of creation. O to be so free!
Life remains a peculiar thing to me. I keep expecting some kind of "normal" that never comes. I press on and seem to enjoy long days of work to leisure, for only when I have time to myself do I remember what I am lacking.
Jesus, please come soon.
The pain is dull, but still an ache. It has become a lack more than a hurt at this point, as though I still feel an itch on the leg I lost a year ago. But I have two legs that work quite well, and a mind that has worked its way into overworking. It processes now with true diligence, muting noise and even people around me, threatening to overtake. And for all the trying in the world, I cannot seem to forget this missing leg.
I am learning the power of my mind and the amazing ability of my memories to change with time, or rather recalling a painful one, only to discover it does not hurt so much any longer. Maybe that comes from a release of pain. Maybe from fading memories, but whatever the case, I surprise myself by rarely having a bad day.
I put all my hope in God, when I can bring my thoughts back to what is good. I try to remember that loss is gain for Christ's sake. I want so badly to see things forgotten and surrendered, become blessing. Redemption would be wonderful to see. I invite God to let me be his walking testament of abundant blessing following great pain. Well, great pain, as far as I have experienced it. So far life without my leg has been ok, but not the amazing I pray for.
I so badly want to reach my Gilgal, the place where I have come full circle; to boast about my God and how he has taken me from the pit and left me high on a beautiful mountain for a time. I sure hope that day will come, and I will remember that it was only the hand of God who could have made such a rescue.
Tears fall rarely these days, but they still fall. The missing of a dear friend does not seem to want to go away. Today, the missing was great. Not the sorrow over dreams dashed, but just missing the one I used to call for meaningful discussion or because I felt down. I have been missing those 3 hour phone calls where we would laugh and cry and share life. How empty life is without such a likeminded friend.
A huge hole remains in my life that I can find nothing to adequately fill.
My heart grieves and cries out to God to bless me with such a friend once again. But perhaps such friends are only to be found once in a lifetime. The memories I do have, I treasure, even the bad, because they remind me that I have lived.
I do not mean to complain or say that my life is bad. It is hard at times, but not at all bad. I have the ministry as a profession I prayed for and even a personal ministry, only I have no one to share it with any longer. My life is busy and full, but is lacking a fullness I once had, a fullness I prayed for and expected to have by now. I would love to know such fullness once again, if only God in his mercy would be so kind.
Life remains a peculiar thing to me. I keep expecting some kind of "normal" that never comes. I press on and seem to enjoy long days of work to leisure, for only when I have time to myself do I remember what I am lacking.
Jesus, please come soon.
The pain is dull, but still an ache. It has become a lack more than a hurt at this point, as though I still feel an itch on the leg I lost a year ago. But I have two legs that work quite well, and a mind that has worked its way into overworking. It processes now with true diligence, muting noise and even people around me, threatening to overtake. And for all the trying in the world, I cannot seem to forget this missing leg.
I am learning the power of my mind and the amazing ability of my memories to change with time, or rather recalling a painful one, only to discover it does not hurt so much any longer. Maybe that comes from a release of pain. Maybe from fading memories, but whatever the case, I surprise myself by rarely having a bad day.
I put all my hope in God, when I can bring my thoughts back to what is good. I try to remember that loss is gain for Christ's sake. I want so badly to see things forgotten and surrendered, become blessing. Redemption would be wonderful to see. I invite God to let me be his walking testament of abundant blessing following great pain. Well, great pain, as far as I have experienced it. So far life without my leg has been ok, but not the amazing I pray for.
I so badly want to reach my Gilgal, the place where I have come full circle; to boast about my God and how he has taken me from the pit and left me high on a beautiful mountain for a time. I sure hope that day will come, and I will remember that it was only the hand of God who could have made such a rescue.
Tears fall rarely these days, but they still fall. The missing of a dear friend does not seem to want to go away. Today, the missing was great. Not the sorrow over dreams dashed, but just missing the one I used to call for meaningful discussion or because I felt down. I have been missing those 3 hour phone calls where we would laugh and cry and share life. How empty life is without such a likeminded friend.
A huge hole remains in my life that I can find nothing to adequately fill.
My heart grieves and cries out to God to bless me with such a friend once again. But perhaps such friends are only to be found once in a lifetime. The memories I do have, I treasure, even the bad, because they remind me that I have lived.
I do not mean to complain or say that my life is bad. It is hard at times, but not at all bad. I have the ministry as a profession I prayed for and even a personal ministry, only I have no one to share it with any longer. My life is busy and full, but is lacking a fullness I once had, a fullness I prayed for and expected to have by now. I would love to know such fullness once again, if only God in his mercy would be so kind.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A Dry Spell
I'm not sure what I was expecting for this time in my life, but my expectations seem to fall quite short. I was relieved yesterday when I heard a teaching from Beth Moore. She said that God wants to be the one to fill the great void in us which longs for love and affirmation. She used a cup and some coins in an illustration. She said that even if we get some love and affirmation from family members, it hardly even covers the bottom of the cup. Only Christ can fill our cup and keep it full.
This was a bit of a revelation for me because I have always asked for more from God. I so often have felt like I just don't have enough of what I need and the people in my life have fallen so short of meeting such needs. I have at times demanded too much of them and been very let down when my expectations were not met. What a freeing thing it has been to realize this. I wondered if I would always want and never really be satisfied. Only God can completely satisfy me.
And those deep desires of my heart-- most days I believe that God wants them for me too. I still struggle, sometimes more than others, but I know have to believe that I am God's passion, and he wants to bless me like I desire and ask (or sometimes beg) but he wants to teach me something more important first.
I am blessed and I have to remind myself just how much at times. But I really am blessed and I am thankful for Beth Moore and God's reminders of how he desires to be my everything.
This was a bit of a revelation for me because I have always asked for more from God. I so often have felt like I just don't have enough of what I need and the people in my life have fallen so short of meeting such needs. I have at times demanded too much of them and been very let down when my expectations were not met. What a freeing thing it has been to realize this. I wondered if I would always want and never really be satisfied. Only God can completely satisfy me.
And those deep desires of my heart-- most days I believe that God wants them for me too. I still struggle, sometimes more than others, but I know have to believe that I am God's passion, and he wants to bless me like I desire and ask (or sometimes beg) but he wants to teach me something more important first.
I am blessed and I have to remind myself just how much at times. But I really am blessed and I am thankful for Beth Moore and God's reminders of how he desires to be my everything.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
A New Year
I'm glad to have a "normal" week at church this week. I get to give a talk to my youth again tomorrow and I have really missed that time the last two weeks during break. We will be talking about prayer, something I need to remember to learn more about and do more often.
This new year is going to bring a lot of change, and I welcome it. My life for one is going to have some very busy and difficult times, but at this point, I am almost used to it. My sister and my sister-in-law are both having babies, due two weeks apart, and my baby sister's adoption is almost complete. More change, and I'm praying about how God wants me to continue with my personal ministry, which could potentially forever change my reality as well. If it is really what God is calling me to, I know he will make it work.
I don't really miss school anymore, but I really do miss studying and the accountability it brought. I really enjoyed my (Beth Moore) Bible Study and the lovely ladies in my group last semester, and I am looking forward to starting back up again in a few weeks. I love the "homework" 5 days a week and that it keeps me closer to God, and makes me think. I am the youngest by at least 15 years in this group and at least half are retired. I love how they often ask what I think about something when I am quiet.
I need so much more time in fellowship with other godly ladies. I had a great prayer group last night, and I really appreciate them as well. I'm so sad to realize that I have outgrown most of my mentors. It's hard to realize that some relationships are only meant for a season. But I know God will continue to put people in my path who can guide me in the right direction, and give me encouragement when I need it. And I now realize that whenever God does decide to bless me with a husband and children, he will still want me to be involved in some kind of ministry. I'm thankful for that and know with his help, I can be successful wearing many hats. But I'm so busy right now with my job and my other ministries, only God could find room to add to my full plate. This year is going to fly by so quickly!
Welcome 2011. I look forward to all you will bring.
This new year is going to bring a lot of change, and I welcome it. My life for one is going to have some very busy and difficult times, but at this point, I am almost used to it. My sister and my sister-in-law are both having babies, due two weeks apart, and my baby sister's adoption is almost complete. More change, and I'm praying about how God wants me to continue with my personal ministry, which could potentially forever change my reality as well. If it is really what God is calling me to, I know he will make it work.
I don't really miss school anymore, but I really do miss studying and the accountability it brought. I really enjoyed my (Beth Moore) Bible Study and the lovely ladies in my group last semester, and I am looking forward to starting back up again in a few weeks. I love the "homework" 5 days a week and that it keeps me closer to God, and makes me think. I am the youngest by at least 15 years in this group and at least half are retired. I love how they often ask what I think about something when I am quiet.
I need so much more time in fellowship with other godly ladies. I had a great prayer group last night, and I really appreciate them as well. I'm so sad to realize that I have outgrown most of my mentors. It's hard to realize that some relationships are only meant for a season. But I know God will continue to put people in my path who can guide me in the right direction, and give me encouragement when I need it. And I now realize that whenever God does decide to bless me with a husband and children, he will still want me to be involved in some kind of ministry. I'm thankful for that and know with his help, I can be successful wearing many hats. But I'm so busy right now with my job and my other ministries, only God could find room to add to my full plate. This year is going to fly by so quickly!
Welcome 2011. I look forward to all you will bring.
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