I suppose I have spent the last few years figuring out who I am and who I want to become. I think I know who I am, and then something happens and I feel like I no longer have a clue. I have had many defining seasons in the last few years, some more significant then others, but the biggest thing I have learned is that life is a process. It's about walking enough baby steps forward and suddenly realizing that you have covered 100 miles.
I have healed so much in the last few months. God has supercharged my relationship with him and through realizing the kind of new life I can have, I continue to heal and grow. But what bothers me is that it is still going on. That this is still a process and not a mission complete. I have been wounded, but we all have been in one way or another. I want to be emotionally healthy, and I feel that I usually am. But I am not there yet. Not quite to where I need to be, and far from where I want to be.
I usually have no problem offering love, even to those who are more difficult to love, but sometimes, I feel unlovable. Do I wear my scars for everyone to see? Do they worn people as I come near? And trusting someone new who wants to come close, that they have good intentions is way more of a process then it has ever been. The one who scared me the most had the best of intentions in the beginning. He even appeared to be acting honorably as he was massacring my heart and emotions. I felt so unworthy, so unloved and like a complete failure all at once. And I carried those labels along with a lot of shame, as if it was who I was and what I deserved.
This brought my most difficult season. And the heartache that followed the loss of the man who asked me to marry him, my best friend and first love at once, has taken years to recover from. Life had ill quipped me for the emotions I would experience when I had the innermost part of who I am completely massacred, scraped away and left there in a mess of blood and pain. I felt left for dead, except I kept breathing, even when I didn't want to. Even when I tried to stop, I was somehow alive, yet not living. Life was being lived around me, but I didn't know how to live anymore. I was so broken I sat on my bed and cried, until there were no tears left. I slept a lot and hardly ate. And then somehow, I began to live again. And I have been living ever since, processing, healing, growing. And after all of this, and a few years, I thought I would be closer then I am to being whole.
The truth is that we live in a fallen world. Sadly, I'm not first and won't be the last to write such things. I have never written so honestly about that time before, because I was still so ashamed. I think my shame of having a failed engagement prevented me from doing so many things. But I have realized that it was not my fault things went the way they did. I tried everything I could think of to make it work. I tried to be more selfless, more loving, more giving. I read the relationship books, I talked to happily married Christian mentors. But the biggest problem was that he gladly accepted all of my love but was just done wanting to love me back, and instead told me how I needed to do better. I had been raised to understand unconditional love, and that love is a choice, so this was the first time in my life where someone I loved refused to love me back. It was beyond devastating. But I absolutely believe Romans 8:28 that "all things work together for the good of those who love him, and are called according to his purpose."
I have come to realize that I want and deserve better then what I have had. Sin makes us do all kind of crazy things and as I strive to walk in righteousness, my life is very full. I mentor and teach a lot of people, who I would have no clue what to do with had it not been for my own struggles and spending time in the pit. I thrive on giving my time and talents to others and offering love. It fulfills me, and satisfies my soul. These seasons of feeling unlovable and broken have helped me to better relate to those I am now pouring into. But I am realizing how much striving is required in life. To get to where you want to go, there has got to be a sizable measure of passion and desire. I am not exactly sure where I am going, but I know it is going to be an emotionally healthier place, with new experiences and new thrills. I thrive on the unpredictable nature of life! I love the unexpected joys on the journey, as I begin to clearly see that God has a lot better for me.
