Trying to discern God's will has become a healthy quest of mine. I love this life of seeking after my creator until I find him. Pressing in, going after and putting off the other things in my life until he is found. The other day I went to a quiet park with a little muddy pond, seeking answers. It always seems easier to hear God speaking to my heart when I am surrounded by his creation.
I am in the middle of this little park sitting on a fallen log among the trees, with a little of the pond visible ahead of me. I can see nothing man made, and if it weren't for the train whistle I could forget there are others just up the road. But for that moment, it is just me and God. I talk to him, but I get distracted and my thoughts wander. I forget to just be still, to listen, to ask him questions and that he is with me here, and that we are supposed to be having a conversation. I think maybe I better head back, and before I finish that thought I hear him say "Not yet."
My spirit was completely broken and I began to cry. The tears flowed of bottled frustration, a lack of faith, and the relief that I was once again experiencing God. It is scary when I call out for God and cannot find him, for he is not only with me, but lives in me. Then I realized my separation from God was my lack of faith. I sobbed loudly, begging for forgiveness on that fallen tree, turned study and prayer bench. My eyes were shut, but I could sense that God was right in front of me. Drawing in a long deep breath, I opened my eyes and looked around, suddenly aware that I was in a public park and that I might not be the only one enjoying the day there.
I closed my eyes again, hoping that if anyone did hear me they were blessed by my singing. "Jesus," was about all I could get out at this point. I leaned forward, and the air was thick and warm around me, though it was a cool day. I knew in my spirit that Holy Spirit was there with me in this beautiful place. The tears flowed even more just knowing that I was not alone. I leaned back again and I could sense Jesus next to me. It was just the feeling of a friend being there, reminding me I was never alone.
My tears very rarely flow in this season of my life. Just about the only time is when God moves my spirit. But it was such a beautiful moment with my Father and this was such a cleansing cry. It came totally unexpected. As I took a deep breath in, I was filled with abundant gratitude for my God. For the fact that he just loves me for me! For the fact that he has chosen to bless me so greatly, and not according to what I have earned or deserve. I am so far from deserving this abundant life I am living.
The more I learn, the more I realize I have to learn. But God is hearing my prayers for a love of his word and to understand his ways. I am learning to love adversity for the wisdom it teaches and understanding how vital it is to be joyful and praise God despite my circumstances. I am so thankful for the painful seasons I have had to walk through and the way they have equipped me to mentor and teach other women.
My lessons this week have come from watching this completely sold out, crazy for Jesus, Christian, who God's spirit is so strongly fallen on, he heals others with a word of knowledge that God places in his heart, and through declaring God's promises. I am striving to spend 90% of my prayer thanking him for who he is and for who his word says I am. I am expecting to see some major fruit!
