My Best Friend

I had a great night of worship tonight at a very alive church, at a community service called The Well. The worship was great, as always. I reconnected with a lot of great people I have not seen lately, some in years, including Bishop Lawrence of Nairobi, Kenya, whom I ministered with a few years ago on my mission trip to Kenya. All of these things were wonderful, but not the reason the night was so great.

As we were worshiping I realized that I so rarely have "freak out" moments anymore. The kind where you are in a panic over a thought, something that has just happened to you, or in thinking though something that is bound to happen. I do not call up my best friend anymore, because I am already talking to God about it, and usually have some kind of peace by the time I would think to call a friend. It just made me so thankful that I am not living in crises and also that I have learned from my own experience that God is able. I don't have to wait on him to respond. His reply is instant. I was thinking about this as I was watching a few younger couples in front of me worshiping God, arms raised. Then all the sudden, I had a vision of me and my husband, side by side, worshiping God, arms raised. I blinked it away though. It surprised me a bit but somewhere in my head, I had gone there. I just assumed this vision was my imagination and not from God. I don't have a husband, and it is not looking like I will any time soon. It was however a nice thought.

Often at The Well, we hear a bit of teaching of a concept, and than we "practice," by talking to God and hearing what he wants us to know. After the teaching when it was time to "listen," I heard a few things, however they were things that I want, and I was not sure if it was God talking to me, or just my own thoughts. Part of the assignment was asking God what his plan was for your life, and the other part was what is in the way, or preventing God from working in you. As I prayed for a few minuets, I heard the words, "marriage," "children" and "mother." My first thought was confusion as to where these words were from, and if they really were from God, were those desires what I was to surrender? Or was it just my head and might God have an altogether different plan? If anything, at this point I have learned to be open an not fight for what I think I should have.

I went up for prayer, and two of the pastors prayed with me. They are such great people, and totally poured life into me. My heart was already tender and I most definitely had tears streaming down my face as we prayed and they both felt that God does indeed have marriage and children in his plan for my life. Part of me thinks, "Why wouldn't he?" And the other part of me was sure that those things that I still deeply desire, he was asking me to give to him and they would never be my reality. I remembered this was not the first time someone has prophetically spoken this to me. Yet it was life-giving to hear again.

I cannot see what God is doing, but I know he is moving. My life in the last few years has been a testament to his power and grace. I have come so far in my faith, though I struggle with maintaining that constant contact. Yet, I know that he is the one I can always count on to listen and help me when I am in need.

I know it is cliche to say, but it is true! Jesus is my best friend! And seriously, what mortal could compete with God?

Change

I am noticing more and more how much I have changed since my mid 20's. Some of my friends have changed, my wardrobe has changed, my taste in music and movies have changed. Moulin Rouge is no longer my favorite movie, and I'm not sure I ever really liked it as much as I thought I did. I do still enjoy Reliant K though! I realized that many of those who were close to me then did not even see the real me, because I did not let so many of them. Others, had no choice, and they remain my closet friends.

I happened upon a current picture of someone I used to be very close to. How odd it was for me to realize I should have known that face upon first glance, yet I no longer know that person, and that is alright. I had a lot of stress in that season of being close to that person, that no longer exists. Change can be good.

And then I think about my ideas on men and marriage. The basics have not changed, but the specifics very much have! He doesn't need to play guitar and serenade me with love songs, or even lead worship. He doesn't need to want to have 10 kids. I'm not sure I have time left to raise that many children anyway! I just want a good Christian man who loves God and loves his people, that I find attractive and that makes me smile.

I have had some good and more recently, great men in my life that have helped me see even more clearly what does and what does not matter in a relationship and in life. One of my best friends is an amazing man whom I love dearly. If it weren't for the eminence differences in our ideas on Jesus, I think we could have a shot at living happily ever after. But through my questioning and my sometimes very blunt approach, he loves me anyway. I have to admit he sometimes acts more like a Christian in his selflessness than I do, though he does not claim Christ. I get mad at him at times because he cannot read my mind. But he is a very good man, and I eventually remember he does not deserve the lectures he so patiently endures. I'm curious to see what God is going to do with him and this friendship that began in childhood.

Other change has to do with me accepting that my reality is probably going to look less glamorous than my glimmering dreams. A healthy dose of reality is great for a person! It can change everything. Now I do still dream, and I have great hope for the future. It just looks a bit more "normal." And then I realize, I love this season of life!

Almost too Busy to Dream

Work has been so busy in the last few months. Like a few 10 plus hour work days a week lately, and being on call more often. I have hardly had a chance to enjoy the summer. They say this is just a transition season with a case manager quitting and covering other case manager's vacations and I really hope it is the truth. I have not had much time lately to be alone but when I am, I wonder about the future.

My hopes for the future are being redefined. Financial success, fame and fortune have never been what I crave. I want to help others, and to know that I am doing my very best. What I miss the most is that my extended hours have made deep Bible study time difficult to find, and I have much less time to dream.

But I still catch myself in dreams at times. Sometimes I find myself talking with others who put me into their dreams, or we make up a dream together and escape if only for a moment into a fantasy world. I do like to dream, though sometimes I wonder if I have time left for some of my dreams to come true when most seem so lost a midst the daily grind.

I have long stopped fighting for my dreams. I once did, and battled in prayer. I did win that round I guess, but just not in the way I was asking. Maybe that has prevented me from dreaming as I used to. And I do miss those good morning texts. And I miss the way he called me "lovely," though I am thankful for all he has taught me. Perhaps I truly am afraid most of my dreams will ever come to pass. But than again, this life I live now is not so bad.

Though my days can be long and the work is never ending, I am helping one of the most vulnerable populations, and have an amazingly positive work environment. Maybe I have just grown up, or maybe I just do not have the will to fight my reality any longer. Yes, I do wish for more blessing, but life is still wonderful as it is. And my prayers are no longer driven by fear, but by a settled peace that God will have his way in me.

Going Somewhere

Things have been good lately and I have reason to believe that prayer I received last week, that God is going to do some more really cool things with me. I am unsure what, but the adventure awaits! As I was being prayed over, the blessing was that I was ready for God to use me for the next thing. That I have been waiting and learning, and the time is almost here! There are many things I hope this means. In fact I would love for it to be all of the things I am thinking about. But I will not dwell in wondering, for it will be happening soon and I will no longer wonder.

I continue to love my job, and praise God for such a good fit. It is truly a blessing! And my heart continues to yearn to be a foster parent myself as I work with foster children daily. But I know God has me in this place for his reason. And I rejoice for the blessings I have in this place. I praise him that I am sharpening my spiritual gifts. 

Beautiful Day!

Some days are more difficult than others as I walk this life as a Christian. This weekend has been a reflective one for me, perhaps as I am on the threshold of celebrating my 30th year of life. I am truly excited for this milestone, and though I thought that I would have more checked off my bucket list by now, the last 29 years have been pretty good, and flown by.

Today, the sun is shining and people are outside. Sadly it is not quite warm enough to spend the day in the pool, as I would have liked to do. But it is a beautiful day none the less. I was blessed to be able to get away from "normal," and escape to my favorite little park, where I get to hide from the world and talk to God. And yell or cry or say whatever I need to get out. And I did. And God and I talked about me turning 30, and he told me all those things I am still waiting on are coming. And peace fills my spirit.

Today, one of my favorite pastors preached on Lamentations 3:17-26. It is great to be reminder to wait on the Lord!

"I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.” I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Childlike Worship

Sunday I went to church with my family. I was spending time with my youngest brother that day, and it made more sense for me to go to church with them, then go to mine on the other side of town and try to drive across town to get ten year old J and get to out movie on time. It was a family service, and after the first half, those who wanted to, went out into the local neighborhoods to deliver welcoming boxes inviting people to church. I stayed for the rest of the service with J and four old Mia, while the other half of my family who were at church that day went to deliver the box.

Mia usually goes to Sunday School. Her sensory issues and dysregulated brain typically prevent her from sitting still. But their was no Sunday school this Sunday. And the service was mostly singing and prayer. My heart was so wanting to connect to my creator and focus on worship, but after being Mia's big sister for the last three years, I know to dare not let her out of my sight. She runs. But I wanted to worship. And she and I often pray and worship together. She knows how it goes, and was sandwiched between me and the next pew. So I closed my eyes and lifted my arms, feeling her skinny arms raised directly in front of me. I could feel God smiling on us. Mia, with all the lack in her first 12 months in the care of her MMR bio mom, gets this worship thing. She may forget to ask before she darts out the front door, and she may require way too much redirection. But she knows who her savior is, and how to connect with him. My baby sis can praise God in way I did not learn until I was practically an adult.

It is moments like that with my Jesus and my Mia that I feel so free to worship. And we do! Saturday night I have been going to yet another church, The Vineyard. As I raised my left hand in worship, in my head, I saw the Lord grab it and dance me around as though it were just me and him on a giant ball room floor. And I love how closing my eyes in worship closes out my reality and distractions and connects me to God in my imagination and though my spirit.

I still desire some spiritual gifts I have yet to discover for myself, but I know I am not lacking. God has released me from my second job, and I hardly had time to think before he has filled those 15 hours with more ministry and serving. And most importantly, mentoring and spending much more quality time with my younger siblings.

Headaches and Insecurity

I was having kind of a hard weekend. I was psychically not feeling well Saturday, as I woke up with a headache that refused to leave all day. I was busy all day and though I craved a nap, I had no time. I prayed a few times, but was lacking authority and felt helpless as doubts about who I am crept in. I was wanting to hear from someone I care about very much, and never did. I began to question weather I ever would again, and then began to question just about everything, as I started to feel sorry for myself.

I was meeting some friends to go to a church service in the evening, and I knew that the fact that the headache got way worse an hour before I needed to leave, was spiritual warfare. I prayed and was determined that the enemy not win this round! Finally as I was driving to this church, the pain eased up and I began to praise God, and was able to pray away the rest of the pain. The worship was good, and the fellowship with some friends after was very nice. But I still was not feeling great, emotionally.

It was not God I was questioning, but everything else. Even things I know for sure are in his plan for my future. And it did not hit me until tonight that I had been the target of the enemy's attacks all weekend. As soon as I realized this, the fear and doubt no longer would stick! In fact, I was struck with a boldness to see some truth that fear had prevented me from seeking up to this point.

Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I know how this goes. Good overcomes evil. I'm on the right team, I just need to go back to the instruction manual (aka the Bible) more often!

Lent: The Season of Sacrifice

I don't think I have ever been so excited to give something up before! I do realize I am about a week late here of jumping of the bandwagon, but I am all in! God has laid it on my heart in the last few days that I need to take a facebook break and refocus. So after a conversation with a friend today, I realized today was the day to begin.

At that moment, I realized that I was a new creation. I felt freed! It was more than just from facebook. I have some questions for my heavenly father, and I know that in limiting my distractions, I am much more likely to seek until I find.

The icing on the cake was tonight at youth group. I had been asked to pray for all the request tonight, and their were many! As I was about to pray, God laid on my heart a conversation I had with a friend earlier that day that left me a little rattled. This friend knows what I believe, yet has shared little beliefs other than they do not agree with me. So today, I asked said friend what then do you believe? And the reply is still ringing in my head.

"I do not believe in God or Jesus. I believe in nothing, because nothing has been proven to me."

Did you hear that, Jesus? Sound like a challenge to me! So I asked my teens tonight if they thought God could change hearts. They surprised me by nodding profusely and many passionately yelled "yes!" I went on to ask, "Do you think God will show himself to this doubting friend of mine?" This time they practically jumped out of their seats and began to cheer!

So I challenged them to pray with me. Pray that God would show up in a huge way, and prove himself to be the one and only, true God! They said they would.

And I cannot wait to get my fast going and to dive deeper into the Bible, as I listen to what God wants to reveal to me. I am so energized and excited, as I already know it will be a very fruitful time! It already has been!

A Testimony

This is my journey of faith, leading to now. Warning: it is kind of long, but I wrote it out for a friend who was asking me how I know I am serving the right god. I wasn't really sure how to answer that other than saying "I just know." God has proven himself to me time and time again. He has been faithful, and I know he is there. And it helps that faith is one of my spiritual gifts.

I was raised in a Christian home and we went to church. When I was five I prayed with my mom to ask Jesus into my heart, which basically meant praying and making a declaration that I was now a Christian of my own choice. Some call this salvation, or being saved. I continued to grow up in a home with Christian morals, and we went to church EVERY Sunday, (unless you were very sick). I taught the two year old Sunday School class since I was 14, worked in the nursery a few times a month, and was active at my church. When I was 17, at a big Christian youth event with thousands of other teens, I remitted my life to Christ. Basically I was convicted (emotionally moved by the Holy Spirit and convinced) that I was not living rightly, and wanted to change. I was not a bad kid, but I was selfish sometimes and I was into soap operas, smut I did not need in my life. I gave it up and things turned around. I suddenly had a lot of friends, something I had always wanted and prayed for. I had my first boyfriend and I was really happy! But it felt like a struggle to always do "the right thing." I struggled to read my Bible every day. Reading was a chore for me for so many years, and then I would feel guilty for not reading it more regularly. I mistakenly thought that was the measure of my faith.

Now I was in college. I continued working at my church and was promoted to Child Care Coordinator, and in charged of all childcare needs in a church of over 1,000 members. I didn't go to service much because I was always watching the kids as the adults went to church. I tried not to become resentful about that, but I was also really committed to those babies, and some, only I was able to soothe. It made me feel needed and I felt very responsible to those parents who were trusting me with the care of their infant. I also would go to camps as a counselor and help with the youth on occasion. I attempted to lead a college aged Bible Study for a few years, which would always die after a few months, so I met with other Christian's and started to be a part of Bible study groups with other women. It was huge for me, because I was always a lot younger than the other ladies, and I was relatively shy at this point in life.

I heard about orphans in Liberia, and I wanted to go. I got in contact with a small organization soon making a trip to Liberia and began praying about going. I had just talked to a friend about going, and though I wanted to, I was not ready to say yes. My parents did not like the idea of me going to Africa. I was 23, and they told me I needed to pray and listen to what God was calling me to, but I knew they were afraid to let me go. I was too, but more excited than scared. I was in my car at school, praying, asking God to tell me what I should do and as soon as I stopped praying, the lyrics playing on the radio were, "For the children around the world without a home, say a prayer tonight." I immediately started crying because I knew that was God telling me to go. It was the point of no return!

I went for most of a semester, and fell in love with the children. They were so needy and broken, yet so precious. I wished I could have multiplied myself to give each one the love and nurturing they so desired. I was exhausted every day, as groups of children surrounded me nearly all day, but never before did I feel like I was exactly where I needed to be. One little boy, Christian, claimed me as his mother and when I was in the guesthouse at meal time, he would stand outside of the window, and yell "mom" over and over til I came out or one of the other children told him to go away. I sobbed saying goodbye to those 500 children I had come to know over the 10 weeks I was living at their orphanage. I wept all the way to the airport and as I got on the plane, feeling like I was leaving my babies behind. All I wanted to do was stay with them. I almost did, but my grandpa was dying and I needed to come home as planned. I pulled the hood on my hoodie up to cover my eyes, and burred my head against the window and the seat and cried myself to sleep for the first time in my life on that plane. I prayed and I asked God what was next. I kept praying these little prayers, "Lord, speak to me," and "Lord, use me for your purpose." I came home and was depressed for months, and wondered how I could care for orphans like I had in Africa, within the US.

I worked on finishing my degree, though I was still not sure what kind of job I would want to do, and helped with the youth group at my church some. I kept loving babies in my church's nursery. A year and a half later, I was in Liberia again. This time I was attacked in the middle of the night in my guest house. A machete sliced through my door and my hands as I struggled to keep the men out and gun was pointed at me. I was never afraid, but determined that I was in control and as long as the attackers stayed out of my bedroom, I was safe. I later learned that 2 of my close friends woke in the middle of the night knowing they have to pray for my safety. I don't believe in coincidences. Twelve stitches later, I was fine. God kept me safe.

And after over a year of praying about the man I had gone to Liberia with twice, he finally made a move and we became a couple. And I really wanted him, and asked God to give him to me as my husband. And though things quickly moved to an engagement, it ended in heartache for me. It felt like God did not come through for me and it took me two years of crying and growing in my faith to see that it was because God is my loving father. He did not let us get married then because that man was not what was best for me. He denied me what I wanted in the short term, so I could grow and become stronger and more reliant on him in the long term.

As I was trying to heal, wounds still fresh, I met this Christian lady pastor. She talked about people speaking in tongues, or a prayer language, that was speaking in different languages, but was a totally spiritual thing. She talked about being baptized in the Spirit, and that Christian's have access to the supernatural through the Holy Spirit. I thought she was a little off, and she might have been, but as I tried to sleep that night, God got my attention! I woken up, wide awake and terrified at 3AM the morning after this lady shared all this with me. I felt the presence of another and I was super scared. I knew God was wanting me to receive the Holy Spirit, and I tried to roll over and fall back asleep. I couldn't. With palms and feet leaving sweat marks on my sheets, my trembling fingers opened my Bible to Acts, where it talks about the Holy Spirit coming on the Believers on the day of Pentecost after Jesus ascended into heaven. I told God I believed and I wanted the Holy Spirit, and could I please go to sleep now? I fell right to sleep once I surrendered my will.

Really struggling with my unknown future through tears I had begged God to change my reality one night, and the next day I got a call from someone at my church asking if I would like to go to Kenya in her place. Something had come up and she suddenly was unable to go, but they still needed someone to run children's ministries on the team. Oh, and the trip was in 6 weeks and I would need to raise $2,500! I asked for help and the money miraculously pored in. I went to Kenya, and God used me. It was not nearly as exciting to me as Liberia. Sure, the Great Rift Valley was amazing, and so were seeing the animals at the game park. The children we worked with were beautiful and full of energy, and precious little songs with British/African English. But her people were not the ones I loved in Liberia. I began to heal emotionally there.

I came home, and God provided a job for me in youth ministry, though I really wanted to serve in Liberia for a few years. It could have been a better experience, but I did learn a lot working as a youth director. The biggest thing I learned is that when pastors are not seeking God, he will not bless what efforts they do make. And then I was unemployed, yet felt so free of those I had been working for and still grieving the loss of the man I thought I wanted. But God used that time to woo me. He showed me he was dependable, not only to meet my material needs, but also to care for my wounded heart. I began to heal in ways I was not able to find in all my trying before. I became a volunteer for a living... Except there was no paycheck. My days were spent serving others, and I was so joyful. I was leading Bible Study for youth one day, and retired ladies the next. I was pulled into helping with a new youth group and doing Young Life in a local High School. It was amazing, and I knew God would provide. I was growing so much closer to him. There was not one need I had that ever went unmet during that time. A friend would bless me by paying for my ticket, conference fee, lunch, whatever the need was, it was met without me ever having to ask. If I had a bill to pay, a weekend babysitting job would pop up just before it was due. God took such good care of me, I had no problem expecting him to come through.

I went to conference on God's power and love this past summer and learned so much. Once a person becomes a Christian, they have the God-given power to do all the things that Jesus did on earth through the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit, but most Christian's do not understand this. But to access this power takes faith and the Holy Spirit. So in understanding the power of my words, and that demons have to flee if I command them to do so in the name of Jesus, I take that authority and have commanded away pain and sickness in people. I am still new at this part, but I am so excited to pray for people and bless them. And as I was doing this, God blessed me with my dream job. Well, the dream job where I earn a paycheck anyway. (Being a wife and mommy, and serving as a missionary in the third world are still at the top of the list of dream jobs for me!)

That takes me to now. After all the healing and some unemployed months, I finally found an amazing job that I not only love, but I do really well. And then it hits me, that in my work, God answered my prayers from before. That I am caring for the "orphans" of the first world. I am a case manager, and I represent children who have lost their voice. And it just makes me emotional all over again because I realize that God loves me that much that he would take me so far and so long, just to prove that he will come through for me. I believe that the Bible is God inspired word. The old testament contains the history of 3 major religions. I believe that God has a great plan for my life. I have received prophetic word that my future husband and I will work in ministry together, serving people who need a voice. People who have the Holy Spirit, or "Spirit Filled" get all kinds of messages for me from God at times. I love receiving "a word of knowledge" and these messages from God through another tend to come faster than I can write down. The most recent one was a few weeks ago, and it was that I am a person of influence. That though I may not be loud or demanding, the way I carry myself and character speaks volumes. This was someone who I had never met before, and knew nothing about my life! It was just very encouraging.

And this is my story as written in the beginning of 2013. It is a constantly changing story, and certain parts stand out to me today, that might not the next time I write it all out. God is always moving, and as I am living continue to discover his plan for me. With all the uncertainty in my life, he is the one constant, and I am so thankful for that!

A New Normal

My life is not slowing down. Not even close! But I have become accustom to this fast paced life. I LOVE my job and my life right now. The only thing I lack is alone time.

"But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth." (John 4:23, 24 ESV)

So I am making a concerted effort to read my Bible every day, and working toward reading the entire thing this year. I can do it!

And so my room might be in need of organization and my laundry might not get done as quickly as it used to. I'm on a mission to seek truth and grow exponentially!

I'm excited my church offered these $16 One Year Bibles, and it has been great to read through this way!

This is going to be a great year!