Change

I am noticing more and more how much I have changed since my mid 20's. Some of my friends have changed, my wardrobe has changed, my taste in music and movies have changed. Moulin Rouge is no longer my favorite movie, and I'm not sure I ever really liked it as much as I thought I did. I do still enjoy Reliant K though! I realized that many of those who were close to me then did not even see the real me, because I did not let so many of them. Others, had no choice, and they remain my closet friends.

I happened upon a current picture of someone I used to be very close to. How odd it was for me to realize I should have known that face upon first glance, yet I no longer know that person, and that is alright. I had a lot of stress in that season of being close to that person, that no longer exists. Change can be good.

And then I think about my ideas on men and marriage. The basics have not changed, but the specifics very much have! He doesn't need to play guitar and serenade me with love songs, or even lead worship. He doesn't need to want to have 10 kids. I'm not sure I have time left to raise that many children anyway! I just want a good Christian man who loves God and loves his people, that I find attractive and that makes me smile.

I have had some good and more recently, great men in my life that have helped me see even more clearly what does and what does not matter in a relationship and in life. One of my best friends is an amazing man whom I love dearly. If it weren't for the eminence differences in our ideas on Jesus, I think we could have a shot at living happily ever after. But through my questioning and my sometimes very blunt approach, he loves me anyway. I have to admit he sometimes acts more like a Christian in his selflessness than I do, though he does not claim Christ. I get mad at him at times because he cannot read my mind. But he is a very good man, and I eventually remember he does not deserve the lectures he so patiently endures. I'm curious to see what God is going to do with him and this friendship that began in childhood.

Other change has to do with me accepting that my reality is probably going to look less glamorous than my glimmering dreams. A healthy dose of reality is great for a person! It can change everything. Now I do still dream, and I have great hope for the future. It just looks a bit more "normal." And then I realize, I love this season of life!

Almost too Busy to Dream

Work has been so busy in the last few months. Like a few 10 plus hour work days a week lately, and being on call more often. I have hardly had a chance to enjoy the summer. They say this is just a transition season with a case manager quitting and covering other case manager's vacations and I really hope it is the truth. I have not had much time lately to be alone but when I am, I wonder about the future.

My hopes for the future are being redefined. Financial success, fame and fortune have never been what I crave. I want to help others, and to know that I am doing my very best. What I miss the most is that my extended hours have made deep Bible study time difficult to find, and I have much less time to dream.

But I still catch myself in dreams at times. Sometimes I find myself talking with others who put me into their dreams, or we make up a dream together and escape if only for a moment into a fantasy world. I do like to dream, though sometimes I wonder if I have time left for some of my dreams to come true when most seem so lost a midst the daily grind.

I have long stopped fighting for my dreams. I once did, and battled in prayer. I did win that round I guess, but just not in the way I was asking. Maybe that has prevented me from dreaming as I used to. And I do miss those good morning texts. And I miss the way he called me "lovely," though I am thankful for all he has taught me. Perhaps I truly am afraid most of my dreams will ever come to pass. But than again, this life I live now is not so bad.

Though my days can be long and the work is never ending, I am helping one of the most vulnerable populations, and have an amazingly positive work environment. Maybe I have just grown up, or maybe I just do not have the will to fight my reality any longer. Yes, I do wish for more blessing, but life is still wonderful as it is. And my prayers are no longer driven by fear, but by a settled peace that God will have his way in me.