December Days

Christmas, you are almost here. I am ready for some frosty evenings by the fire, enjoying the snow fall all cozy and warm inside. We have not had enough snow for me to be satisfied. I sure hope we will have some that sticks in the next few days. I always dream of a white Christmas.

I am searching a ton right now for my next steps and I am really encouraged. I am just about out of ideas and I know that sets the stage for God to break through my thoughts and let his will be done. Peace covers me most of the time. I know that is a sign that I am on the right track. But some days, oh does fear ever hold me captive! I am forever thankful that God is such an amazing God and that he has already paid for all the sin I have and will ever commit.

I can't hear enough good sermons lately. Church yesterday was the cantata, and it was some nice music, but my soul was not fed. I drove home and remembered what Pastor Bob, who was my youth pastor and is now my pastor, said about when the seniors were being honored at church when we graduated high school. He said that I was hungry for more and to go deeper, and it challenged him to provide more. He said that when he was preparing a lesson, he would always go a little deeper for me. I remember hearing him say that about me, just after I turned 19, and was quite surprised. At that time I had a hard time reading more than a chapter of the Bible at a time, but my heart was in it. Now that he is a lead pastor, and I am now attending his church, I sit on the edge of my seat half the time again desiring something more. I still learn so much from his preaching!

I love those southern preachers. Ha! I just remembered Bob got his training in the south! They seem to not be afraid to preach truth. I am sick of wimpy sermons. I listened to two sermon podcasts yesterday, and I'm listening to one now. They seem to all touch on the importance of forgiveness, and one the main points is that we only have two jobs as Christians. We ether edify or evangelize, depending on the state of the people we are interacting with. It's making me want to marry an evangelist! Evangelism is not one of my spiritual gifts, but I am so impressed with those who have it.

I just am continually impressed at how amazing my God is. I have become so excited at the heart for ministry that is growing in me. I am doing all that I can to find my next steps, and I feel that I am already a missionary. I am very much enjoying working with teens who need a friend. God is growing me in my ability to speak, pray, and disciple others. I am also enjoying all he is doing in me. But I am not there yet.

So December, bring us some snow! And Lord, please let this month not pass before I have my next steps realized.

What I Want

"Laura, what do you really want?" A friend just asked me. "Whatever you want, God will do it for you." It is not an easy answer, especially in this economy. I know I can't find it and so I try to seek what I want. I want a good paying job. When the economy is tough, people go back to school. I do want more education, but I am really questioning weather or not I need to work toward a masters right now. If I could just find a really good job... But hardly anyone is finding those right now.

What I really want a husband who gets me. A best friend who loves God and others, and wants to love me, even when I am unlovable. A man who chooses to love me, even when I just know I am right, and when I am grumpy and difficult to deal with. One who is a bit old-fashioned and romantic.  I am generally easygoing, but I know I can be difficult at times. However I am usually good at forgiving and forgetting. And I want to be a blessing to my husband. I want to care for him and our family. I want him to feel blessed to have married me.

And I want the baby in my arms to finally be mine! If I am going to put fourth so much time and energy in raising a child, I would like to be the one they call mama and get to have a voice in their life. I know there are a few dark-eyed children out there, waiting to have a mother. And I suppose I would like to give birth to a few children as well.

Swimming around in my head are verses like, Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." And Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things should be added to you." Do I not seek enough?  Do I not delight myself in Christ enough? Are these verses really for everyone? I have had some great adventure, and I do not want it to be over. And so I wait.

Oh Baby!

In the last year or two, my feelings and dreams on what I hope my future family will look like has changed.  I used to want a house full of children, and wanted to start that family at least 5 years ago.  I did not get married by 21 as I thought I would, and I doubt I'll make it to 30 a married woman.  This was something I grieved over for at least a year.  And then all of the sudden, I didn't care about it anymore.

Let me back up here and share a bit of background.  I have loved children and babies, since I was hardly walking.  When I became a big sister at 19 months, I thought it was my responsibly to care for my baby sister.  I took care of her for as long as she would let me, and was delighted to have a baby brother born just before my 5th birthday.  I changed his diapers and carried him up and down the stairs, and loved him like crazy.  I was made to be a caregiver of children, and so that must mean that I should be a mother, I thought.  I loved being the second mother when my 3 brothers were born as I was a teenager.

I was always caring for my younger cousins, and loved to help with anything that included holding babies.  I started a long babysitting career at 12, and would nanny for families over night for a weekend once I could drive, and longer periods when I was in college.  The money wasn't bad ether.  I worked in the church nursery, and prided myself on being the one to get almost any baby to stop crying and to sleep.  Eventually in college, I became in charged of the nursery and all childcare at my church.  It was a big job, at a large church, but babies and training others to show God's love by caring for babies and young children was my thing.  

And then I almost got married, and it looked like it was my turn to dream and finally get what I had been waiting my whole life for.  But it was just a taste, and my soul grieved the fact that I would most likely not ever find this dream of having a loving husband and a house full of children while I was young.  I remember being horribly offended when I had poured out my broken heart to a lady pastor who was all too eager to mentor me, and when I was done, she said "God has other things for you to do besides being a wife and mother."  I wrote her off as a feminist at first (as she had called herself), but her words stuck.  In my head, I could think of no greater calling than to be wife and mother. 

And so I prayed that if these deep desires would not be fulfilled soon, that God would remove them.  And I began a career in youth ministry, enjoyed being independent and didn't mind working late hours.  I began to think less and less of my old dreams and made new ones.  For the first time ever, I really didn't want to have a baby.  I was startled by this thought at first.  I still thought it would be nice to have a husband to share life with, but I was enjoying my work too much to think about babies.  I was delighted when I discovered I was going to be an aunt.  My sister and my sister in law both discovered they were pregnant at the same time, but I silently felt terribly forgotten my God.  But I dried my tears and had more than enough to distract me from feeling inadequate.

God used my heartache from love lost and broken dreams to be able to better relate to my students and those who came to me for counsel.  It brought a lot of healing.  And all the while, I was content to be just where I was, loving my students and being able to work in a church with such a great congregation.  And then I was an aunt.  And I loved my new nephews, but I was not gaga over them as I have been over many other new babies.  My hormones seemed to be off and I wondered just how God had answered my prayers.

And now, all of the sudden, something has changed in me and I want a baby again!  Not like tomorrow or anything, but I want to mother a newborn.  The only children I had wanted were the 6 month and up adopted kind, (which I still do want).  I never stopped enjoying play time with a silly toddler.  I have been bonding a lot more with my nephew (who is local), and now that he screams a lot less, I really enjoy caring for him.  And I get so excited every time the other one comes to town.  So I wonder why this is happening now.  I believe God always has a plan, and sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through.  Trusting that God is not a liar and what his word says he will do, he is going to do.  And I am super anxious to see how this is all going to turn out.  If nothing else, I can at least enjoy others babies again.

And So I Wait

I keep asking for a vision for my next step.  Don't get me wrong, my life is very full right now with babysitting my nephew, and all the volunteering in ministry I am doing now.  But I am hardly making money.  I'm making less right now than I can ever remember making in my adult life.  And my days have never been so full.  But I need to put gas in my car, and not deplete my savings.  If I am not going to be able to save right now, I want to at least maintain the balance of my savings account, that I worked hard to build up.

When I pray about this I keep hearing that God has some really great plan for me that is about to be put into action, and I just have to trust him.  I'm asking God about jobs to apply to, and he is telling me that he is going to provide for my needs, and that I just need to trust him.  Should I think I know better than God and demand that he give me a paying job?  Honestly, I want to.  But really, I want to see this thing that he says I need to wait for.  And even if I could find a well paying job, I would be out of his will, and I never want to live like that again.  But waiting on him is so much easier said than done!  I might be crazy, and if I have heard him wrong, I would gladly accept that, and appreciate being set right.  I need to pray for more faith!  I need to pray more with my faith-filled friends.

Wrapped into this hint about the future is a mate and children.  I dream of creating a family through adoption and perhaps fostering as well as giving birth to a few children.  I think of Hebrews 11 a lot these days.  "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  I am certain that this idea I have about my future is from God.  I just don't see how I get there, or who is coming with me.  Forgive me for my lack of faith, God.

My children, some may already be born.  It's hard to think that and know that I cannot have them now.  I have been praying for them for 3 years now, and 3 years ago, I thought it would be great if they were 1 and 3.  Maybe they are much older than that.  Maybe more than 2 of them are waiting to call me "mama."  I gear God whisper "trust me," as my heart breaks for the older kids in the system.  My family is so important to me and I cannot imagine growing up without a family.  I do not take lightly the fact that I feel called to give some of these children a family.  But God tells me the time for this is not yet.  So I wait.  I'm sick of the waiting, followed by a few good days and more waiting.  I want to live every day to the fullest, knowing that I served God that day, but I fall short.  And in my quest for the career for my life over the last few years, I can think of no greater way to serve God than to be a wife and mother.  Both jobs require the ultimate sacrifice... To love.  Laying down your wants and desires, and perhaps even your life to choose to love and serve, regardless of feelings, everyday.  And so I wait, and I pray, and try not to lose hope.

Love and Relationships

In the last 5 years or so, I have become much more aware of marriage and all that is involved with joining two lives together with God.  At the time, I was aching to be married and know what romantic love really was.  I thought I was ready to be someones' wife.  I thought I would be good at it.  Really, it would have been quite tough and I would have had a lot to learn.  I wasn't ready for it, and though I begged him, God knew better.

In the last 5 years I have spent focused time learning about marriage through conversation, observation and in the last few years, actually reading books about relationships (which was a huge step for me as reading does not come easily to me).  I have even read a few books intended for men, to have a bit of insight into their world.  It has really opened my eyes, and the majority of this learning happened after I had a failed romantic relationship.  I wanted to know why our love, though strong, was no where near enough.  I wanted to be sure not to make the same mistakes in the future.  And I have been shocked and enlightened at what I learned.  It still intrigues me that though men and women are so different, we are so incredibly attracted to each other in every way, and it really is God's plan that we live together in happy marriages.  We women were made for men, to help them or be their help meet.  This was God's design.  I still wonder why I was 26 when I finally learned this.

Though my searching, and in retrospect, I see how badly I messed up.  I had so many light bulb moments as I read, and stopped many times to ask God to forgive me, and realize why he was so mad in reflecting on one situation, or why he had shutdown in another.  I also see how grace and forgiveness can go a long way, and it takes that, God, and two willing spirits to weather any storm.  While I am still waiting on that happily ever after, or at least walking down the isle in a pretty white dress and saying "I do," for the next 60+ years, I want to be as ready as I can be whenever God should decide to bless me with a marriage.

In my quest to understand men (or at least try) I have found my knowledge incredibly helpful in life.  And reading books about women, like So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, helps me understand some friends.  I don't think I'm a typical insecure girl, and I thank my parents and God for that one!  I seem to be the one friends come to lately for advise and counsel.  I understand people in a way I never have before.  First off, God has given me great compassion and allowed me to look far beyond what I can see with my natural eyes.  Behind a tough outlook on life, I see pain and unforgiveness.  Behind a control freak, I see someone who's life was always in disarray as a child and the need to control there environment and others is because they were never able to just be who God created them to be.  And God has also gifted me with a mentor turned close friend though the journey of the last few years, who has taught me which has enabled me to pay it forward.

I really enjoy learning about people and why we do the things we do.  The anthropologist/sociologist in me is turning a bit towards psychology.  It makes me want to consider counseling for a career.  I really love helping people and helping them get closer to God as the release baggage and begin to heal.  Forgiveness can work wonders for the down and out, and it has been so rewarding walking with people as they heal from deep and long standing wounds, and begin to turn to Christ.

And then there is marriage.  It used to sound like such a blissful thought to me when I was younger.  Though I still desire it, now it frightens me, and so does the thought of being a parent (and raising children is almost second nature to me by now).  From what I see and hear, marriage is hard.  Really hard!  I think the most important piece is that you find a partner who is committed to the marriage.  True love is making that choice and commitment to act with love even though you do not feel it.  But if you have not grown up in a healthy environment, how can you know what a truly healthy relationship is?  This is the problem I think a lot of us face.

My heart is breaking right now for a young friend who's husband just left her and her baby, a week before their baby turned one.  I remember her wedding.  At the time I was so excited for her, but also struck with pain, feeling sorry for myself because I was ready for my own wedding that did not come.  But now, I just am so sorry.  I do not know the details, and I do not need to.  This is not God's plan for marriage.  This was not God's will.  And I have known a few other marriages that began and failed in the time my heart has longed for a mate.  But if waiting will ensure my heart will never break again, I'll wait another 5 years for the right one.

The desire to love and be loved in such a complete way with God in marriage is why I want to get back up when I get hurt by life.  And though I know the pain of severed ties, at least I have been loved.  I never want to know how divorce feels.  Maybe naively, I used to believe that all it takes for a marriage to work is two people who commit to being together, and never allow divorce to be considered.  Along those lines, I believed that any one could make it.  Of course I did not take into account selfishness, brokenness, baggage and insecurities.  I have come to believe sin and a lack of belief in our creator is the root of our almost all our problems.

At times, a broken heart felt like the end of the world.  But even in the midst of the most painful times, I knew that God was right there next to me, crying with me, and then offering his peace.  That memory keeps me still when I want to beg God to move.  So I wait in God.  I'm learning to listen more and talk less.  I will be still with him and wait to see him move.  I have learned that to wait is to gain.  To forgive is to be free.  I sure hope that with all of these lessons I have learned the hard way, I can help my heartbroken friend to heal.

Fostering God's Children

My mom listened to Focus On The Family on the radio a few days ago, was inspired and told me to listen to it. So I pulled it up on the website and enjoyed listening to a family's story of adoption through the foster system. Since my parents decided a few months ago to continue to foster after adopting Mia, it has inspired my mom to pray for that next foster child to take in and adopt.  

The bible says 47 times to take care of orphans and widows! How many other commands mentioned in the Bible only once do we put so much more emphasis on? I hear stories like this one from Focus and I realize I already know my calling. It's not youth ministry or children's ministry, or even women's ministry. It is to invest in the lives of those around me and find ways to serve God by loving his children. Adopting foster children is one way, and now my heart is aching to do it (yet again). But God has made it clear to me that I will not be in a place to foster before I have a husband to parent his precious children with me. Sigh. So I pray for ways that I can support my family now and other foster and adoptive families.

This testimony of one woman serving God through fostering and adoption stirred my heart even more than the first story. See, adoption has been on my heart for as long as I can remember.  Well before my younger siblings were born, I would pray for God to give us a baby. I might have been 8 at the time, and I always thought that baby would come through adoption. Maybe it was because around this time I had 2 adopted cousins. Even after my 3 brothers were born while I was a teenager, I still felt like we should have adopted, but I was not the parent. 

Finally after I went to Africa the first time, I helped to mostly convince my parents that they needed to take in an orphan, and they began looking into adopting from China. I had already done a lot of research for them into adopting from China when I was 18, after we read an article about the awful conditions in Chinese orphanages. At the time, my parents only had 6 kids, and my sister and I were always helping with the babies. But they had another baby, and when he was about three, Adopting from China looked appealing, adoptions there were becoming more restricted. So my parents thought about another country, and finally were encouraged to become foster parents and adopt that way.  And I'm so glad they did!

Someday, I'll know the joys and sorrows of being an adoptive parent too.  Mia is a brilliant child, with the communication skills most teenagers lack, but is also one of the most hyper-active 2 year old's I know. Working with her to teach her to live in her body and world has been one the most difficult, most rewarding experiences I have ever had with a child. I can't imagine it any other way! She has taught my little brothers to have tea parties, and play with dolls, or at least tolerate them. All 4 on my younger brothers have learned to be compassionate when it is not convent, and when my parents talked to my brothers about taking another foster child, all three were shocked that my parents would even consider not taking more children, and some suggested adopting 2 or 3 more! Yes, I would love another little sister, for Mia and for the entire family. I would be great as a big sister, to fall in love all over again. 

I know a few big families, the kind that makes our family of 8 children look average or even small.  We are talking 12-18 kids here. Some have adopted and some have not. I see these families, problems and all, and I think what a blessing it is to have so many sisters and brothers. I have always felt short changed to have grown up with only one sister, and one who was really bad at letting me take care of her non the less. The need to nurture was ingrained in me and came out the day she was born! Starting in infancy, she wanted to be independent and the fact that I am only 19 months older than her did not help. I am of the notion that another child in a healthy family is always a good thing. It will be interesting to see what God will do. :)

The Glory School

This weekend I attended The Glory School at a local church.  A prophetic couple from XP Ministries in AZ did the teaching and I was really expectant for what God might reveal to me.  I guess at the closing, I was a little disappointed that I was not speaking in tongues, and seeing visions, as others were.  Some were seeing angels!  That would be amazing!  I want to see an angel and am so interested to see what they look like.  I asked God to show me one, and nothing.  I guess I might be too much a skeptic for this crowd.  They were a bunch of spirit filled believers.   It has only been through working in Africa and talking with the Bishop, that I better understand the spiritual world.  I still have a ton of questions though.

The tongues thing freaked me out the first time I heard it spoken, but now, I really wish I had a way to communicate with God when I didn't know what to say.  And really, these people were speaking in a prayer language, not actual tongues, which happens when God gives a message through a person in an ancient language no longer spoken, and he provides someone to interpret the message.

The first night of this conference, the teacher said that we would be seeing visions and all speaking tongues by the last night.  Well, in our time of Activation, which is when we were to close our eyes, and be still with God and received what he had for us, I got thoughts, not pictures, or visions, as others did.  And I really wanted the vision!  I learned when you hear from God anytime, you ask him, "what are you saying?" and then "What do you want me to do about that?"  The way they explained it is that learning and knowing all they taught gives you tools to practice with to become closer to God in the spiritual world.  And knowing the Bible well is key to understanding what God is saying.  I need to work on that one!

It was cool, and I'm sure with my United Methodist background, I was a bit on the fringe.  I am used to this kind of stuff happening in Africa, but to have it happen in my backyard, and learn that it does, is another thing for me.  I believe it, don't get me wrong.  It's in the Bible, and the teaches kept saying, go search out the answers in your Bible.  These people are not making this up.  We just don't teach it like the Acts 2 church did.  But I pray all churches will get closer to that.

Saturday wrapped up the sessions with a night of praise and worship.  Many people were prayed over and received physical healing.  I was praying that God would speak to me, and that I might receive some kind of word from someone there.  A few people did, and I was glad for them.  I feel like I am waiting on God, and I wanted a little confirmation that I am on the right track, and maybe something that helps me with the next step.  Well, I didn't realize a new gift or receive a word from God through another, and I was a little disappointed when it was all over.  I could tell the Holy Spirit was with me and in me, but I still wanted more than that.  I realize this wanting more makes me feel selfish, but goes way back to when I first began reading my Bible as a teen.  It was such work back then!

As people were leaving, I stayed in my seat, wondering what God has for me, and processing all I had just learned.  A friend walked up to me and sat down as I continued to think.  I began asking her about speaking in tongues, and asking if everyone can do it.  So my friend called over Ellen, the leader of the local prayer network, who told me that everyone can speak in tongues, and started praying for me to receive that gift. She said it takes time for some, and that you kind of have to practice it.  I told her a bit about how I was disappointed and about what I did hear, including the way God keeps speaking to me about a relationship in my life that I thought was long over.  She prayed with me and for me, to receive any spiritual gift that God had for me, including speaking in tongues, and said that she felt in the spirit that I was holding on to responsibly for the ruin of this relationship and for my friend wandering away from God since.  Another friend of mine who is a pastor, joined us and made a few suggestions, which Ellen disagreed with.   Ellen has a real gift.  She said that after we prayed, it is like Jesus is in the middle of us, me and this friend now, and that we are both back where we belong with God, and this allows for more healing and for God to work.  I got a little emotional working through this with her, and I was really hoping for some great vision or to start speaking in tongues once I was in my car. But more than that, I had peace. The spirit was with me. 

I was getting ready to go, and One of the presenters for the weekend was walking by me, and started talking to me. He asked me if I went to that church, and I explained I was between churches now, so then asked if he could pray with me. He said that I had been on his heart that evening, but that God didn't give him a word for me. I had been praying for a word from someone! So as he prayed blessing on my life, I just started to bawl. I don't remember everything he said, but he reminded me that God knows who I am and that he really loves me. I didn't explain anything to him after that. We were both on our way out, but smiled and I thanked him. As I walked outside, he came back up to me and told me his email, and that he would love to pray for me, if I emailed him. I might.

I'm expecting the gift of tongues, and really am excited about a language to pray in when I have no idea what to pray. I'm filled. And God will bless me! Worship Sunday morning was lacking after the weekend I just had. I'm praying about finding a place to go to really worship, or learning to play guitar, so I can play my own worship. And the best part of days spent in worship, is that I wake up praising God with a song from the day before in my heart!

It was a blessing, and I'm sure what I learned about this weekend will stick with me forever.

Personality

I know I have changed over the last few years.  Life took me through some bumps that required growth and I realized looking back, that I have really grown and changed.  Some of my silliness has disappeared and I now spend a lot more time within, processing, rather than before.  I now would rather be alone and able to think and process then be busy and surrounded by others.  I knew I had become more introverted, but I was quite surprised at the change in the last two and a half years when I retook a free online personality test online.

My results from March 2009

ESFP

Extraverted (E) 68%        Introverted (I) 32%

Sensing (S) 59%              Intuitive (N) 41%

Feeling (F) 80%                 Thinking (T) 20%

Perceiving (P) 95%           Judging (J) 5%

And my results two and a half years later;

ISFP

Introverted (I) 57%         Extraverted (E) 43%

Sensing (S) 55%           Intuitive (N) 45%

Feeling (F) 65%                 Thinking (T) 35%

Perceiving (P) 55%           Judging (J) 45%

Like I said, I know I have changed. I just did not realize how dramatic a change it has been. But I like who I have become, now more settled in my faith and my beliefs. More responsible and realistic. I'm alright with not being so much of dreamer anymore, and I'm fine without the disappointment of being so naively positive. Thank God, all things work together for those who love Him!

Edit

INFJ

I took another personality test, this time Keirsey one on paper, which is known to be more accurate, and I got an INFJ! So now I'm a little confused, however, after reading a bit about the INFJ type, and learning about the Idealist, Counselor type, I do agree that it is me!  I wonder how my dream of being a blend of two of my hero's, Beth Moore and Michelle Duggar fit with this?

Taken from the Keirsey Temperament Website.

Idealists (NFs), as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

All Idealists share the following core characteristics:
Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

INFJ -- Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than three percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

That Was Awkward!

It was such a beautiful day today, so I took my Bible and my journal to one of my favorite parks.  It is a park I discovered over a year ago when I went for a drive to think.  I had driven past it many times before, but never realized it was there, hiding behind a lot of trees.  This park includes a pond, that has become kind of swampy.  I have no clue what it is actually called, but I call it Grace Pond, because I spent some really hard days there, and I felt like it was God's gift of grace to me.  I would talk to him out loud, because most often, it would just be me, God and the animals there.  A pair of swans, and some ducks and geese.  An occasional heron squawking and frogs chirping.  I would talk, and ask hard questions, and would feel a gentle breeze or the warm sun on my cheek, and knew God was smiling at me.

This little park is in Michigan, just a few miles from my house, and I like to go there when I have the time.  Its upkeep is severely neglected, and from what I have discovered, was once a much more alive place.  I have discovered old trail markers, a bridge, covered in over grown brush, and a picnic area sign with a flattened picnic table to the left of the pond, under huge pine trees.  Now, there is great evidence of it being a place for local teens to get into trouble together.  There is usually broken glass in the picnic pavilion and often teens or others will drive up, and leave once they see me there.

Anyway, today I went out by the water where someone had thrown one of the picnic tables.  It was tipped over and in the water a few days ago, when I discovered it and flipped it over.  There was another one in the water too, but it stuck to the black muck, and I could not right it on my own.  So I walked out towards the water, though the weeds that came above my waist, and sat crisscross on the top of the picnic table with my soggy flip flops drying beside me.

The colors of fall all around me were breathtaking!  The pond is covered with some kind of tiny, floating green vegetation.  With the pavilion, parking lot, and playground to my back, as far as I could see I was all alone with God.  The large trees framing the pond on three sides were brilliant reds, yellows, oranges and greens.  I was writing, praying, singing, praising, reading, all alone with God and nature.  And then came the buzz of a moped.

This park is not very big, and to be alone, you ether have to walk in the muck or go close to the water and hope no one follows you.  So this guy shows up and walks down kind of close to where I was.  He says hi to me and with a camera around his neck, walks through the overgrown brush and disappears in the trees to the right of the pond.  I want to be uninhibited in how I worship, and I only want an audience of one.  And that was not going to happen there any longer, so I thought maybe I would move to a bench closer to the parking lot and just write.  But I ended up at a picnic table under the pavilion.

I begin to write some and then along comes the moped man.  He wanders over to me, a bit overly interested, and says " Hello, how are you?" in a very heavy Latin accent.  I manage a polite, but curt "Fine, thank you," looking up only long enough to acknowledged him.  Hoping that he was just being friendly, and nothing more, I kept on writing as he lingered, and finally he said "Have a nice day," and left me alone.  As he took off on his moped, I wondered if he took any pictures of me as I was focused on my journaling.

About ten minuets later I head the buzz coming around the corner again.  I just wanted to finish writing down my thoughts, and then I would leave.  I had this creepy feeling as I noticed out of the corner of my eye it was him again.  I looked up, and no one else was there.  This time feeling more bold, moped man came over to me and sat down next to me on the picnic table.  I started feeling a little insecure at the situation I was now in.  He said hi to me (again), and that I was very beautiful.  I notice his very dark hair, and that though he was dressed youthfully, he looked to be at least 40.  I forced a smile, and kept my focus on my journal.  Couldn't he see that I was busy?  Then he saw my Bible and asked me what denomination I was involved in.  He knows I'm a Christian, I thought, a little frustrated.  Now I have to be nice to him even though he is really making me feel uncomfortable.  I told him and tried to write, though it was not what I wanted to be writing, because I could tell he was staring at me, or my writing.  Talk about awkward!

He just was not catching on at all.  He then scooted closer to me,  stroked my arm, and told me I was beautiful, again.  I could now smell alcohol on him and the "really creepy" sirens were going off in my head.  I'm thinking, what do I do now, as I'm still trying to stay focused on my greatest distraction, my journal.  But I am unsure of why he has not yet taken the hint and left me alone, as I am writing very distracted sentences like "I need so much more.  I need more than this..." as I can feel his eyes on me.  My journal was my escape, or so I needed it to be, so I kept my pen moving.  Finally he asked me if I was married.  I typically am of the belief that there is never a time when lying is acceptable, however, when a creepy guy is hitting on a girl all alone in a park, this could perhaps be the only exception to lying.  I'll have to ask Joe if this is the case.  So I look him right in the eyes and said in the most positive tone, "Mmhumm."

At this point I really hope he does not ask about "my husband," because I am really bad at making up lies under pressure, and I have nothing.  Plus, he is a stranger, who just needs to leave me alone, not learn about my personal life.  I thought of getting up and walking to my car, 10 feet behind me, or of picking up my phone from my pocket and playing with it to let him know just how uninterested I was, but then he asked me if I had children.  To which I responded with another, "Mmhumm," that may be worth slightly less than a strait "yes," but at this point, I was less concerned about lying and more concerned with being left alone!  Then he asked me how many kids I have!  I was thinking, say two.  But I didn't have a story for two babies, so I said one, thinking of Mia, my two year old sister.  Then after another awkward moment, much to my relief, he finally got up and said goodbye.

He wandered off into the park and disappeared behind the trees, and I finally finished writing, and left.

Youth

"It costs much to obtain the power of the Spirit: It costs self-surrender and humiliation and a yielding up of our most precious things to God; it costs the perseverance of long waiting, and the faith of strong trust.  But when we are really in that power, we shall find this difference, that whereas before, it was hard for us to do the easiest things, now it is easy for us to do the hard things." - A. J. Gordon

I'm not sure how I found that quote, but I have a feeling I stole it from a friend's status on facebook.  But I came across it again today, and realized it is probably more true of my life now, then when I first read it.

When I was younger, I only wanted to hear about good news.  I would cringe when someone would tell me that they had something they wanted to talk to me about.  This usually meant I was not going to like what I was about to hear.  And being the passive aggression person I am, I would love to find a way out of that conversation.  But life and the shear amount of difficult conversation I had in a short period, helped me to learn to tolerate conflict.  I hate conflict when it directly involves me, and I am now much more eager to jump in and get it all on the table so a solution can be found.  As I was learning to take confrontation, I seriously wondered if I was simply doomed to fail at every single attempt to live in harmony with this someone I cared for more than my very life!

I remember many times when I cried silent tears, while the one on the other end of the phone had no idea, or at least never let on.  In the name of keeping the peace, I would not give any hint to my suffering, but clearly learned just what that expression, "hurt people, hurt people," meant.  Grasping for any kind of logic, I believed that love did not intend to hurt, and tried so hard to always forgive, for I believe most of the time, the offence went unnoticed by the offending party.  I believe that hurt was never the intent, but a product of previous hurts, for what goes in eventually comes out but love does not keep score.  I always wanted to forgive and years later, I am still slowly learning why no matter what I did, or tried to do, it was never enough.  Thank you God, for answering my prayers for understanding!

That was the darkest time I have ever faced in life.  I have lived a fairly safe life.  I have never doubted that I was loved; eternally and unconditionally by my parents.  They often told me so as I grew up.  Much greater than any punishment they could give was a sit-down with them both, when they would tell me they were disappointed in a grade or for how I handled a situation.  It was never long or drawn out.  It didn't need to be.  The conversations usually ended with a gentile reminder that I could do better and they would be expecting to see it.  Then came the hug and the encouragement, which went something like, you smart and capable of much more.  We believe in you and there is nothing you could ever do to make us stop loving you.  It is only as I have become an adult that I realize how amazing my parents are.

Tonight I realized that I live in a very secure world.  I only drove a few miles down the road and saw a whole new side of life.  High school students with adult problems.  A lovely young girl in tears as she told of how her father was just laid off, and that she didn't know if she would be able to pay for an upcoming field trip.  My heart broke for her.  Another couple, at 16 just learned they are going to parents.  And yet another who is waiting to see if she is pregnant because, though she thought she was being "safe" with her boyfriend, "it broke."  This came out as she was confiding in an adult that she had no food in the house.  The pain and confusion of these children has to be indescribable.  And I wonder if these girls were ever told they were beautiful by their fathers.  If they were ever told they wonderful and lovely by their parents.  But most of these girls ether do not have a father in her life, or hope not to see him again.  I am so lacking in my counseling knowledge, but I know these girls would not be hurting so much if they had received what they needed as girls from their father's.

It's a mission field for sure, and I want to know how to help them.  I am such an advocate of adoption and I know so few pregnant teenagers would ever consider it an option.  I think I am going to be in touch with the local pregnancy care center soon.  I want to know how to help these girls.  I need to know.  This is not the first time.  Plus, I know at least a handful of families that would be excited to adopt a little baby, if given the opportunity.  When I talked to youth I had a relationship with before, I would tell them not to, or to stop sleeping with their boyfriend, but when they end up pregnant, know that I would be happy to adopt their child if an abortion ever even crossed their mind.  The way I see it, if I am going to advocate for life, I must be willing to adopt any child that comes my way that would have been aborted, or would potentially end up abused or neglected.

The kids I am now hanging out with on Wednesday's are from two of the area high school's.  One is known for a high pregnancy rate.  It just so happens that school is one that I will soon be at on a regular basis with, Young Life.  I don't really have an agenda other than to let the kids that get to know me see that they matter.  I want the guys to know that they have what it takes.  I want the girls to realize that they are beautiful and worthy.  They do not need a man to see that and sleeping with one at this age will not give them anything but more pain and confusion.

Yes, youth is wasted on the youth.  But I can clearly see that God has not pulled me out of youth ministry.  It just looks a little different now.  He is slowly revealing me my new ministry.  And the marginal kids who do not have any kind of home support really have my heart.  I am really excited to continue on leading in women's ministry,  Now if I could only find a paying job working with one of my favorite populations.  There has got to be something!  How many people want to work with troubled teenage girls?

Apples

I love apples, only I forget how much I actually enjoy them when they are not in season.  I am really picky about my fruit, and I was reminded of this when I went apple and peach picking last weekend with a friend.  I  expect every fruit to taste just like the fruit my grandpa used to grow and I am sorely disappointed when it doesn't.  Apples are just about the perfect food, but the only kind of apples I want to eat are farm fresh.  The rest just taste bland, as though they have missed the mark but no one has told them.  It makes me think about life.

There are so many healthy resources available to me, but I forget how good they are for me and what they can do to me.  Just in the last few weeks, I have realized how much my thoughts and feelings on life have matured.  I am in such a healthy place right now.  I have definitely had my share of disappointment, but it only makes me remember to trust God, forgive and press on.  How terrible life would be if I did not learn from both the negative and positive of life!

I spent the weekend in Ohio with my brother, his wife and their precious baby, Teddy.  It was the first time I met the little guy, and he is already 2 months old.  He has yet to learn about apples, and consequences, heartache and success.  God has given him amazing parents who I love and respect very much.  They have God and everything they need to raise him well.  And I know they will.  Watching them all together as a little family made my heart ache for my own little family.  And in a quiet moment when I was alone and brought that thought before God, he immediately reminded of Jeremiah 29:11.  Yes, good plans, I believe that much is God's will, but what might they include?  Might I really still have a shot at marriage and parenthood?

Me and Teddy

And then I remember apples.  And my baby nephew's, Gabriel and Teddy.  And I know that though these great desires remain unsatisfied, I have a lot more than I need.  And as I held little Gabriel in my arms today after a struggle to get him to sleep, I wondered about all the little babies who do not have enough food, let alone someone to rock them to sleep.  And I pray for the little one who may already be born, who will someday call me mom.  I hope not too many more years go by before God opens the doors for me to adopt. I am resting in knowing that God has great plans.  And that reminds me of the sermon I heard in Ohio this weekend, that was on Ephesians 3:14-2.  I just have to be sure that power within me is healthy so I may hear that still small voice when he speaks.  Thank you, John Eldredge for writing Walking With God, which has given me a better clue as to how to talk to God and really hear from him.  I'm about 1/3 of the way through, and it is so engaging and encouraging.  God is teaching me a lot, and I sure hope he will continue to for the rest of my life.

One Year

It has been exactly one year since I had a really serious talk with God about a deep desire of my heart, and I really began hearing from him.  As I was driving, I became very upset and on the verge of tears.  I'm not really sure how it began but I was driving along, really struggling with my position in life, and feeling sorry for myself.  I was calling out to God for some help.  All of the sudden I heard in my head an answer.  It was an answer I was too afraid to hope for.  A hint of what is to come.  Honestly, by this time in life, I was afraid to hope.

But my God is a faithful God.  And I know he does want the best for me.  He gave me a job to focus my energy on and keep me busy for the last year.  And that has lead me to my next endeavor, which is going back to school to work on a masters in ministry.  But I have let go, but not forgotten about my dreams, because I know his are best. Sometimes, we ask for something that he does not want us to have.  Or he asks us to wait, because he has something better for us in the future than what we are asking for.

Many times throughout the last year, God has spoken to me about this situation a few times, and it always encourages me.  He has not given it to me yet, or told me it will happen in x amount of time, though I have a feeling things will change majorly around Christmas.  But through this, I have grown a lot closer to him, and it has been really good.  I have been able to give him just about every desire of mine that I realize I have, and ask him to give me what I need for now.  And I have also had quite a few humbling experiences to help this process along.

So what comes next, I still have no clue.  But I do know that God does, and I have had some great adventures and surprises in the last year.  And I know God loves me, and wants to give me the desires of my heart, if I only seek him above and before my own desires.

The Sliver Lining

It has been just over a week since I left my job as a youth director.  I loved my students and cherish the friendships I have made.  I'll miss that beautiful old building, and her kind congregation.  I spent some wonderful time on my knees in the prayer chapel there.  But much to my surprise I realized it was time to move on, and I am going back to school.  I have learned a whole lot in the last year, and though I do not have a very defined direction, I am so thankful for how God has changed me in the last year.  Missions continues to be on my heart, but I realize need more training.  And I'm praying about that mission trip to Sierra Leone in December that I have been invited to join.  I am walking down a new path and God has been so faithful in the last week! 

I have reconnected with an old friend, spent time with a few young friends, worked on some sewing projects, did some major cleaning, and am preparing to begin the cleaning/purging/organizing of the basement.  I have spent some quality time with both of my sisters and one of my new nephew's.  I plan to go on a road trip and meet my newest nephew, who is in Ohio, in a week!  I have a possibility of getting paid to teach kids Sunday school at a church where my friend's dad is the pastor. Opportunity is coming my way.  Life is so good right now! 

Church has been such a part of my life.  I am a girl who has maybe only missed out on spending a handful of Sunday's in church in my life.  Church is just how Grashorn's spend Sunday morning.  As a kid, if we were visiting family on Sunday, we would go to church with them.  Or if we were on vacation, my dad would get out the phone book and look up the churches and pick one for us to attend.  My jobs for the last 14 years have been in the church, requiring me to be present every Sunday.  The Sunday's within the last 14 years, where I was out of town visiting friends or family, I would go to church with them.  It was also in those 14 years that I learned that my spiritual growth and development was my responsibility, not that of my church. 

My Saturdays are usually full and late.  I spent most of yesterday with my best friend, and we had a fun day in the sun, at the pool.  We finished the day with chocolates from her recent trip to Austria and a good bottle of Moscato.  She asked me what I was doing tomorrow, and I said, just realizing it, "You know. I can do whatever I want to do.  I can sleep in if I want to!"  There have only been a few months in my adult life when this was ever an option.  So I decided I would sleep in, and spend my morning reading my Bible and praising God.

And then I tried to go to bed.  I was tired around 12:30 when I lay down on my new, super comfortable bed.  But it's makes me hot and sometimes it takes me a 15 minuets or so to fall asleep.  Well last night, sleep was just not happening.  Just after 2:00AM as I was talking to God, really trying to see why I was up and what he wanted me to be praying for, I started to think about all I wanted to do in the next few weeks.  I have been quite social now that I have more free time, and someone seems to want to go to lunch or coffee every day.  I was kind of praying and and kind of dozing at this point.  But all of the sudden, I felt like I needed to write a list, to keep me focused, at all of the tasks I want to finish before school begins.  One of those things included getting the rest of the pieces of the Bethel application for my master's in, which meant, getting the last reference form to my old youth pastor.  All of the sudden, I remembered that I have never been to a service at the church he is now in and serves there as lead pastor.  So I decided that in the morning I would get up and check online for his service times, and worship there.  I would be able to enjoy a service and give him the form.  Finally, I fell asleep.

I was wide awake at 7:45, (without setting an alarm) and was pretty sure the church's service would not begin before 10:30.  So I got up and got ready.  I made a healthy fruit smoothie with my Vitamix, and read my Bible and prayed for a while.  The service didn't begin til 11, but at 10:25, I was sick of waiting and decided to leave.  The last church I was a part of, if you walked in 5 minuets before the service began, you felt like you were late.  It took way less time to get to the church than I expected.  I was 20 minuets early and I'm typically a just on time kind of person.  Here, I learned, people tend to walk in just before the service begins.

I walked in and saw the smiling face of my old youth pastor.  He welcomed me by saying "Now there is an old friend," and gave me a hug.  We chatted a bit and once he learned I was no longer at my last church, he told me they need a female vocalist in the praise band, and with a smile on his face said they practice on Tuesdays. When I was in high school, he lead our youth praise band and I enjoyed singing in it. 

I walked into the sanctuary and could just feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  It was a warm and welcoming place.  I picked a pew and sat down.  A few minuets later, a family I have known for years, sat in the pew behind me.  They welcomed me and we began to chat and catch up.  The service began and I was delighted to learn that they have been studying the armor of God the last few weeks and today, the head of the prayer ministry at the church was giving the sermon.  As the pastor introduced her, among other things, he said that this woman schedules people to pray for the church during different events, and has groups of people praying in other rooms as the service is going on.  I was really impressed by that.  I felt so comfortable there I even filled out the entire registration card, something I have NEVER done before at a church I am visiting, and included a prayer request on the back.  I even felt compelled to add some money with my registration card when the offering plate passed by.  The sermon was on Ephesians 8:16, and she broke down the verse a few words at a time and spoke on what it meant to us.  I leaned a lot from her, and wrote a whole page of notes.  She teaches a few Bible studies at the church, and I kept thinking that I wanted to learn more from her.

After the service I chatted with some other friendly faces and shook some hands.  A couple I was chatting with told me they needed someone to lead a young adult ministry when they found out I had been a youth director.  I laughed and said I had done that before, secretly wondering what God was up to, because for the last few months, college ministry has been on my heart.  I met some more people and everyone was so kind.  I was sure at this point that I would be back.  I found my old pastor once again, and gave him the reference form for Bethel, and we talked a little more.  He was ready to get me plugged into helping with the youth, joining the praise band or anything else I wanted to be a part of at the church.  I guess it helps that I have known him and his family for the last 11 years.  And when I told him I was going back to school, he mentioned that if I do decide to worship there, this church gives scholarships to people in the congregation perusing ministry degrees, and that Bethel would match it!

I walked to my car, delighted to find a spiritually alive church that knows and values prayer.  I always love reconnecting with the man who had the single greatest impact on my spiritual life, and faith journey.  He made me want so much more spiritual food, and when I graduated high school, told me that when preparing a lesson, he would think of me and take it a little deeper.  Without him, I know I never would have never gone beyond children's ministry and come to love working with youth.  Without his prompting, I may never have realized that I could be a leader.  He is a great servant of Christ and his church is alive.  God will bless that!  I had the feeling that though about half the pews were empty, this church is about to grow a lot.  I am so glad God prompted me to go to his church today, and for all the blessing that came, just for showing up!   O yes!  The lining is silver!   

Old Friends

I have just reconnected with an old friend.  We have been friends since we were in a class together in college.  We are not sure how long ago that was, but we think it must have been in 2006.  I said "hi" to her in the bathroom and she sat next to me in class.  And as they say, the rest is history.  We were very close for a few years, worked together, and hung out at school a few days a week.  We would work out together and she helped me do things I would not normally do (both the good and the not as good).  Then I guess life beat me up some and I got really busy with my job, and we drifted apart.  I really only stayed close to a few people during that time.

Well last week, we reconnected over dinner, and today we had a picnic in the park.  She has showed me many parks on our adventures between classes and occasionally skipping class together, but this self proclaimed tree huger has never taken me here before.  It was a beautiful Japanese garden, and I was glad to realize where it was and hope to enjoy it more in the future. I'm entirely in love with the beautiful parks in my area.

Anyway, in not seeing each other for over a year, it was very apparent in talking, that we both have changed quite a lot in last few years.  She seems so much more settled, though she is still unsure of a career path.  As we spoke, we realized that we have both grown up quite a bit in the last few years.  We are both more mellow, and settled in who we are as people.  We were a lot more restless before.  And it is not really about a change in circumstances, but entirely that God has changed us.  It was great to realize.

I'm thankful that growing up gets easier.  I'm not sure I would have realized how far I had come, had I not reconnected with my friend,  And I was delighted to learn how God has been working on her as well.  I'm really excited she is in my life again, and I pray for more blessing for her as she seeks to know him more.

A New Start

I just had a really great weekend.  Last week was a stressful one, but it is behind me now, and God really blessed me.  I am changing directions in life some, and I'm really excited to be heading back to the classroom to work toward a masters in ministry.  I'm not really sure where God is going to take me this time, but the adventure of the last year and a half has sure been exciting!  I have reason to believe this trend will continue.  And I was made very aware of some wonderful people that God has put in my life along the way, who have become good friends.  Yes, I do still hope for the desires of my heart.  But in the mean time, God is sure blessing me!

Thursday Thoughts

I wrote this last Thursday, in the midst of looking for small group curriculum, when I was struck with the business of ministry.  The heart of God is what I want to emulate.  I hope to find a curriculum that will help my students seek and find God.

It’s been almost a year that I have been at youth ministry full time. Baptism by fire is the way around here.   I have received no formal training for this before or since I have been at it.  It’s kind of been a figure it out as you go along process.  It has stretched me and created me into a person much more dependent on God.  I now do things like lead worship and prepare lessons and speak to a large group of kids.  These are things I would have never volunteered for and thought I could never do.  And with some formal lessons, I’m sure I could do them better.  But I’m doing them with little thought given to how big a deal it has been for my comfort zone to have grown so much.  God has grown me a whole lot in the last year.

But crossing this uncharted territory has made me even more aware of who I am and what I believe.  It has challenged and changed some of what I used to know.   It makes me appreciate things and people from some prior church experiences even more.  It makes me see where I have taken things for granted.   It makes me sorry I did.

I have come to know a lot of people in different situations.  It has made me want to love those who are unloved.  It has taught me not to judge, because a person can be just as unloved in a nice part of town, as in the slums.  Children grow up with only their basic physical needs being met, in a life where parents work, and kids have become a burden.  Parents don't remember or do not know that children are God's reward, as Psalm 127:3-5 reminded me. "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.  Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are the children born in ones youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.  They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court." 


Some of my favorite people are those I had so wrongly judged "unworthy" when I first met them.  Now, I ask God to let me see people as he sees them.  I have realized that my friend was so right when she said, “I would rather love people into heaven than scare them out of hell.”  I am learning to offer grace first, and know that God will judge.  Why do we Christian’s tend to be so judgmental?  And the same ugly things happen in the church just as in the rest of the world, the only difference is that we hurt each other in the name of Jesus.  And that slap leaves a much greater sting when it comes from a “Christian” than when it comes from someone outside the church.

Romans 3:23 says “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  Because we all mess up, I have discovered how important grace and forgiveness are.  When I extend grace to someone who does not necessarily “deserve” it, it’s on them whether or not to accept that invitation.  And should they choose not to, God will deal with them.  However, I am so glad that my God is a God of grace, compassion and mercy.

Only Time

The longings of my heart are screaming out to me today.  Actually it began a few days ago when I allowed myself to daydream about adopting a baby.  Maybe it began as a dream.  I have been having all kinds of dreams lately.  Now this cry of my heart has been getting louder.  So has God's voice.  Just not about a baby.  He says things like "trust me,"  "it's not time yet," and "just a little longer."  Everyone I know seems to be having a baby or having another baby or falling in love, I let God know I'm ready.  And, I told him, that guy in Africa from facebook who likes to chat with me, and hopes to marry me...  I'm not seeing that.  The only reason I friended him was because the request came right after I got back from Africa and I met a lot of people who's names I didn't remember.  Except this one was related to a few of my Liberian friends.  I see God laughing at me for that one and telling me not to worry.  God has a man all picked out for me, he reassures me.  He just is not ready to be married yet, so I have to pray for him.  He tells me this is the guy I have been waiting all these years for.  He tells me that waiting a few years now and spending a lifetime with him will be so worth it in the end.  A few years ago I would have cried over this realization, but now I gladly accept it.

And someday's I wonder if I'm crazy.  Someday's I know I have to be just a little off.  To believe that my creator would love me so much that he cries when I cry.  That he laughs with me.  That he fights for me in the things that I care about.  That he would love me so much, he says no to me, even when it breaks his heart. That he is my number one fan, and desires, even more than I do, for my life to turn out great and to fulfill my desires and his purposes.  That I could even call him my friend!  The Lord is my friend!  Yeah, you would definitely have to be at least a little counter cultural to believe all that.

Something this summer changed in me.  I have no clue when or where it happened, but it sure happened!  I went from praying to "Jesus" to praying to the "Holy Spirit" and now most often I pray to the "Lord."  I love where my relationship with my creator has gone.  And I find that as I get closer and closer to him the things I once loved have slipped away, and I hardly noticed.  I guess I am better off without them anyway.  I have new things, like two new baby nephews.  An adopted little sister who is such a joy.  A mentor turned friend.  And I do have less friends now, but the ones who couldn't weather the storm with me were not true friends anyway.  Time has refined me.

My Creator is my friend!  He speaks to me through others, through his word, and through my thoughts.  It sounds different than my conscience.  It's an answer before the question is fully formed in my mind.  Not all the time, just often.  I have come to really appreciate it.  Only time and God could brig such changes.  I have learned to weather crises quite well by now.  Perhaps what they say is true.  Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.  Though I would like to add that if you can learn to surrender, and ask God for more faith, he can do just about anything with you.  And what a great place to be!

Two Things

I already forgot the second one because blogger made me type in the strange letter code thing to sign in.

So the first one is that I bought a Vitamix, and I LOVE it.  I have been having at least one smoothie every day.  I'm in need of more energy, and I need to stop eating the fast food that seems to come along with this job.

Yesterday, I was talking to Sara, our office manager, and an office volunteer at the church, and I was telling them how tired I have been since camp and  they were talking about exercise.  So I was inspired to start exercising again.

So this morning, I woke up before my alarm, and spent some time in prayer.  Then I did a workout and got ready for work.  Then I made a smoothie of two carrots, some cabbage, a banana, a lime, strawberries and raspberries.  It was amazing!  I'm getting healthy and I actually feel good this morning!

Camp is Over

I had a great time at camp, but I am so glad it's over.  I'm tired just thinking about it!  It was a good week, and I am ready for a get away to spend some much needed time with God.  Hopefully in the next few weeks I will be able to find that time.

At the cross where I spent some time with God

Tuesday at camp, I spent horizontal hour at the valley fire circle.  I knew before I went to camp that God and I were going to do some business.  I was right, and it hurt.  I want so badly to be delivered from a situation that remains on my heart.  I pray and pray and hope for someone I love, and see such few results.  The real change, the big deal moment has not happened, though so many near death experiences have.   How close do you need to come to death, and how many times, before you can say that God is watching out for you?  Anyway, I am sick of praying for this friend, yet I still feel lead to.

Cross at the fire circle 

Well, long story short, God told me that I just need to keep at it.  That he was not going to release me from carrying this weight for my friend, and that he would handle it.  I don't see much evidence of change and every selfish word breaks my heart.  But God keeps telling me to persevere, that the payoff will be worth it.  As I was praying, and beginning to tear up out of my frustration, and this situation, my Bible flipped pages in the breeze, and stopped at Habakkuk 2:3, to the place that was underlined in my translation, "time is coming soon."  Then I really started to cry.  I sure hope that is true, because from where I sit, it doesn't look like it at all.  But I keep remembering that God can see the big picture when we can only see what is in front of us.

I am mostly content right now, and I usually am.  I had learned to be discontent, and God has really done a work in me.  He took away from me the things I wanted  most.  I have mostly recovered from that.  And I do expect so much more.  So much better.  I want a HUGE apology from the one who hurt me more than any other, once realization of actions finally sinks in.  I think denial abounds now.  And I suppose I could be waiting years, but I believe, that will be the day that I can finally move on.

A mutual friend told me their perception is that our friend is dealing with bitterness in life, and that is a killer.  And I have so many things I would like to say to this friend the next time we meet, but I have no plans.  I have days worth of lectures that brew in my head.  They are waiting to be poured out and completely saturate the parched bones of the one who has gone astray.  But only God could orchestrate such a meeting, because I'm not going to create a mess for myself again.  If there is anything I have learned in the last few years, it is when to bite my tongue.

I pray for a ministry partner as everyone seems to be getting married, or celebrating marriage by having babies all around me.  That thought often comes, that I am missing out in my singleness.  That if only I had a good godly husband that I could experience the fullness of life I desperately desire.  I know there will never be a magic button or anything, but I so badly wish I had someone.  Someone to share ideas with.  Someone to kiss good morning, and hold me when I'm sad.  Someone I knew was praying for me and fighting on my behalf to God, in the hard moments.  Man, woman and God, coming together in a fullness that only happens in marriage.  Marriage was God's idea, and I pray he will provide and let me in this club.

I'm an aunt again.  Perhaps that's where this came from.  Edmund William was born on Friday.  Now I have two nephews, born 12 days apart.  Perhaps someday I will be able to give them cousins.  I am excited to be an aunt again, and I can't wait to meet little Edmund.

My day just dramatically improved.  Baby Gabriel is here for a visit!

I'm totally falling in love with this baby

Being an aunt rocks!

I'm an Aunt.. And at Camp

First, I am an aunt! My sister had her baby boy.


Gabriel Michael was born at 6:21AM on July 10.  He weighed 9 lbs 3 oz and was 21.5 inches.

The little turkey took all night to be born.  Liss and Jeremy went to the hospital at 6am on Saturday to be induced, after being 12 days overdue.  Around 10pm she was dilated to 5 and the doctor broke the water and we all thought he was coming soon.  My mom and I went to the hospital and waited with Jeremy's parents and sister.  We kept getting updates and just after midnight she started pushing.  The baby was stuck though, with his head slightly turned.  But Lissa persevered through 6 hours of pushing, determined not to have a C-section.  Finally around 6am Jeremy came out to the waiting room saying that Lissa needed more encouragement and my mom, Jeremy's mom and I went in the delivery room.  She had been in labor for 24 hours by this point. 

I walked in the delivery room, and it was hard to see my sister like that.  She had said before that she only wanted her husband with her when the baby was born, and I felt a little awkward, having no clue what to do.  But she was focused on the contractions.  I was filled with nervous excitement and almost wanted to cry for my little sister, as if being up for 24 hours was not enough, she had endured a long and tough labor with Pitocen the entire time, which makes contractions much more difficult.  I stood by her head and prayed that his little head would finally move down that he would be born.  Moments later, he was crowning, and the nurses called the doctor.  When he came in and got ready, it was all business.  Through one contraction in a beautiful moment, he was born, and we were all delighted to be there to witness it.  I think we all cried some.  

I was next to Jeremy, who reached over to touch is new son, who was now laying on Lissa's stomach, but hesitated twice.  I put my hand on his back, and told him it was OK.  Gabriel was turning pink and Lissa took a first look at him.  My mom proudly cut the cord.  We are all falling in love.

I spent a few hours with them, and then I had to go home and pack up my car for camp.  Thankfully, they let me be a little late.  So after getting maybe 30 or 45 min of sleep on a bench at the hospital, I drove off to Camp Adventure, where I am the activities coordinator this week.  My middle school students are here along with some of my high school students who are counseling and helping.  I am sleeping in a cabin, kind of keeping order and assisting the counselors who are under 18, but am not responsible for campers.  I'm really thankful for the way it all worked out.  God was really good to me, and I was mostly OK for pulling an all-nighter.  I am thankful for horizontal hour!  I have taken naps the last two days, and I hope to get one today as well!  Other than having to cut in line past campers to shower, (which I do feel bad about) or shower after campers are already asleep, and the fact that I have given up on shaving my legs this week because of limited shower time (I am thankful I am tan, and it doesn't show much) things are good!

The games have gone really well with our 200 campers.  Even the one I lead on Sunday night on no sleep.  I'm so glad everything was all planned and I gathered all supplies last week.  The campers are having a blast and so are the counselors.  I have even been able to sneak away to spend some much needed time with God.  This is a place I always heard from him.  There are so many places to go away from people.  I sure do love this places, and I am getting some answers.  

Now I have to go take some pictures of my kids during activities rotation.  I hope some are on the Blob and at high ropes, because that's where I am headed.  Good times!

Camp Adventure

Before this summer, Camp Adventure, the camp for middle school, has always been my favorite camp, of the Indiana UMC camps.  Perhaps because I spent a summer there on summer staff and counseled there, but so far, That Thing at Epworth was my favorite.  Maybe it was because of the people I spent the week with.  My students were great, and I had an incredible team of adult counselors and cooks from my church to depend on. I was a blessed leader last week!

This coming Sunday, I will be the activities coordinator, a part of the directing team for the week at Camp Adventure.  I have a bunch of games all planned out, and a trunk full of supplies.  I am a little sad that I am not going to be a counselor, but I do hope to be able to spend some time with my students.

I wish I had another week, at least to sleep more!  I hardly have a weekend to sleep in (or a day to go to bed before midnight) and it was a week of long hours getting ready for this camp.  Plus, I am waiting to become an aunt, and chances are that the little guy, already late, is going to come while I am away.  But I think I am all set.  I just have to through some clothes in the suit case that was only partially unpacked from last week (the clean clothes stayed) and be on my way.

I have found some interesting conclusions in the last week from an unexpected place.  I would love to believe it as truth, but my reality makes it seem unlikely.  Where is God's voice in my head, because ether my conscience and God sound a lot alike, or I'm just confused.  Priscilla Schirer says you know it's God's voice when you have a thought that is not something you would normally think or it is completely out of the blue.  She also says that when God is telling you something he will confirm it with scripture.  I need to go read my Bible.  But I remember to trust God, and not judge progress by what I can see.  I know by now that only time will tell for sure.

I heard from God at Epworth and I am expecting I will hear from him at CA as well.  I have a few questions that I feel he is going to answer there.  Maybe not, but he has answered my questions there before.  Some big ones in big ways.  It is a place that I can just feel God's presence as soon as I pull into the drive.  I love that  camp and I hope I will receive and try very hard to accept all God is going to tell me.  It's going to be a good week!

Camp Week 2, That Thing

I got home a week ago from an incredible week at camp.  I am about to pack for week three, my final week of camp, which begins on Sunday.  It was a full and blessed week. This time I took high school students (ages 13-18).  We had an amazing worship band, Sleep Eat Slam, and a wonderful speaker, Matt Laidlaw (who is the youth pastor at Rob Bell's church.  He related very well to my students as he taught from the Bible and through stories. Hearing him twice a day, I got fed a lot too which added the wonderful camp week.  I spent my days with my students in worship, and playing at the lake, going paintballing and having late night chats.  We stayed up late and got up early.  It took me days to recover the lack of sleep, but it was well worth it.  

Some camp highlights include being blessed with some earrings from a random person, by the Destiny Rescue jewelry table.  I was talking to some of my students as we looked at the jewelry and I was saying that I wished I had money on me.  A girl handed me some money.  I objected saying I did have money, it was just at the lodge.  She told me to take it, that she was blessed with $100 by a stranger at Good Will when she said she was going to a church camp.  Anyway, the rescued girls make jewelry to sell and raise money for the ministry.  The woman who runs the ministry with her husband spoke one day in worship and gave her testimony.  They rescue children from human and sex trafficking, and it was a great opportunity to move the souls of some young people.  

As I was worshiping one day, I realized I really need more training, so I have finally decided I need to take classes in the fall in ministry.  My heart continues to want to teach Biblical truths to young women.  They need to know how much they are valued and how to go about finding love.  They need to see their value in Christ and know the love of God and other Christians so they will not be looking to men to fill that void.  God helped me to see this throughout the week, and provided some great opportunities to speak candidly about some important things with just the girls.  

God used me in some really unexpected ways throughout the week and some really neat things happened.  One of the coolest ways is that I really felt like I needed to have a talk about modesty to the girls, and what wearing low tops and short shorts does to their Christian brothers, as well as any man.  I pulled the 19 girls away from the guys for a talk one day.  I emphasized that God's rules about modesty and sexual purity are for our own safety and to protect us, but I added that even the girl that is raped because she wears tight, immodest clothing does not deserve it.  Men have to choose to control their desires, but we should help them out.  I told them how much they are valued and that God wants others to see who they are, not what they wear (or do not wear).  I told them they were beautiful and that they needed to protect that beauty and really be aware of how the way they dress effects men of all ages.  It was a shock to most of them, and I was glad we had the time to have the talk.  It just kind of came out.  It wasn't my plan, but they all asked good questions and their eyes were opened.   I have not had an opportunity before now to have the conversation, but I challenged them to stay accountable to each other in the way they dress.  At least now they know why it is important.

Wednesday night I stayed up til after 2 with some of the kids.  They wanted to hear the attack story, and had been bugging me for months to tell it, so I started at the beginning.  It is a very personal story and some of my students who had friends who knew me when it happened began to talk about it.  So I told the story of going to Liberia in 2007 and lead up to the attack in 2009.  I finished and wondered if I should have shared so much.  I have never been so open with them about all the details and the relationship that was all wrapped up in that story.  Just like usual, I started to shake as I told it.  But my students were so engaged.  When I was done, one of my guys told me he really likes the way I tell stories.  And in a few days, my scars will be 3 years old.  

So the last day at camp, I get a text from one of my high school students, who began to open up to me.  As we were in the same room, but doing other things around the other 35 people with our group, she text me that she was really sorry for my scars and for Jesus' scars from being whipped.  She said that we didn't deserve them or choose them, but we have them. But she chooses to cut her skin when she feels depressed.  She told me she was sorry for what happened to me.  It touched my heart in a very unexpected way.  The next night was the last night, and she text me that she really felt she needed to tell me her story, which she does not tell anyone.  I was amazed at what she had suffered in the name of lust and control, but more than that, at the healing and freedom she now felt from me being open and sharing about some of my scars.  God totally used my story, being so open and it hit me all at once.  I did not intend to be so open or share so much, but once I got going, I did not stop myself.  That was God's plan, and healing came out of it for at least two of us.  With my students playing games and having fun all around me, I sat where I was with silent tears rolling down my cheeks, thankful that no one noticed but the one who was texting me.  

During the week at camp, I had a friend on my heart quite a bit as we worshiped.  Sometimes it was very distracting as I tried to worship.  I would stop singing and pray.  One time, I asked God to do a transforming work in this friend and as the words left my mouth, I saw this vision of my friend, alone outside, bending over on hands and knees in front of a large cross.  I just prayed that God would spark something new and real in this life.  That this friend would forgo Christianity and try to follow Jesus.  It was really the first time I can remember when I was worshiping God and I saw some kind of a vision as I prayed.  It was pretty cool, and I sure hope it is happening, or will soon happen for my friend.

It was a very full and fun week.  I spent all my free time with my students, and picked things like canoeing over taking a nap.  They wanted me to be a part of everything they did.  I even played on the Aqua Rocker, a giant inflatable teeter totter in the water, with them.  It was a great week and my paintball welt is just a fading bruise, I think I am almost ready for my final week at camp.