The Glory School

This weekend I attended The Glory School at a local church.  A prophetic couple from XP Ministries in AZ did the teaching and I was really expectant for what God might reveal to me.  I guess at the closing, I was a little disappointed that I was not speaking in tongues, and seeing visions, as others were.  Some were seeing angels!  That would be amazing!  I want to see an angel and am so interested to see what they look like.  I asked God to show me one, and nothing.  I guess I might be too much a skeptic for this crowd.  They were a bunch of spirit filled believers.   It has only been through working in Africa and talking with the Bishop, that I better understand the spiritual world.  I still have a ton of questions though.

The tongues thing freaked me out the first time I heard it spoken, but now, I really wish I had a way to communicate with God when I didn't know what to say.  And really, these people were speaking in a prayer language, not actual tongues, which happens when God gives a message through a person in an ancient language no longer spoken, and he provides someone to interpret the message.

The first night of this conference, the teacher said that we would be seeing visions and all speaking tongues by the last night.  Well, in our time of Activation, which is when we were to close our eyes, and be still with God and received what he had for us, I got thoughts, not pictures, or visions, as others did.  And I really wanted the vision!  I learned when you hear from God anytime, you ask him, "what are you saying?" and then "What do you want me to do about that?"  The way they explained it is that learning and knowing all they taught gives you tools to practice with to become closer to God in the spiritual world.  And knowing the Bible well is key to understanding what God is saying.  I need to work on that one!

It was cool, and I'm sure with my United Methodist background, I was a bit on the fringe.  I am used to this kind of stuff happening in Africa, but to have it happen in my backyard, and learn that it does, is another thing for me.  I believe it, don't get me wrong.  It's in the Bible, and the teaches kept saying, go search out the answers in your Bible.  These people are not making this up.  We just don't teach it like the Acts 2 church did.  But I pray all churches will get closer to that.

Saturday wrapped up the sessions with a night of praise and worship.  Many people were prayed over and received physical healing.  I was praying that God would speak to me, and that I might receive some kind of word from someone there.  A few people did, and I was glad for them.  I feel like I am waiting on God, and I wanted a little confirmation that I am on the right track, and maybe something that helps me with the next step.  Well, I didn't realize a new gift or receive a word from God through another, and I was a little disappointed when it was all over.  I could tell the Holy Spirit was with me and in me, but I still wanted more than that.  I realize this wanting more makes me feel selfish, but goes way back to when I first began reading my Bible as a teen.  It was such work back then!

As people were leaving, I stayed in my seat, wondering what God has for me, and processing all I had just learned.  A friend walked up to me and sat down as I continued to think.  I began asking her about speaking in tongues, and asking if everyone can do it.  So my friend called over Ellen, the leader of the local prayer network, who told me that everyone can speak in tongues, and started praying for me to receive that gift. She said it takes time for some, and that you kind of have to practice it.  I told her a bit about how I was disappointed and about what I did hear, including the way God keeps speaking to me about a relationship in my life that I thought was long over.  She prayed with me and for me, to receive any spiritual gift that God had for me, including speaking in tongues, and said that she felt in the spirit that I was holding on to responsibly for the ruin of this relationship and for my friend wandering away from God since.  Another friend of mine who is a pastor, joined us and made a few suggestions, which Ellen disagreed with.   Ellen has a real gift.  She said that after we prayed, it is like Jesus is in the middle of us, me and this friend now, and that we are both back where we belong with God, and this allows for more healing and for God to work.  I got a little emotional working through this with her, and I was really hoping for some great vision or to start speaking in tongues once I was in my car. But more than that, I had peace. The spirit was with me. 

I was getting ready to go, and One of the presenters for the weekend was walking by me, and started talking to me. He asked me if I went to that church, and I explained I was between churches now, so then asked if he could pray with me. He said that I had been on his heart that evening, but that God didn't give him a word for me. I had been praying for a word from someone! So as he prayed blessing on my life, I just started to bawl. I don't remember everything he said, but he reminded me that God knows who I am and that he really loves me. I didn't explain anything to him after that. We were both on our way out, but smiled and I thanked him. As I walked outside, he came back up to me and told me his email, and that he would love to pray for me, if I emailed him. I might.

I'm expecting the gift of tongues, and really am excited about a language to pray in when I have no idea what to pray. I'm filled. And God will bless me! Worship Sunday morning was lacking after the weekend I just had. I'm praying about finding a place to go to really worship, or learning to play guitar, so I can play my own worship. And the best part of days spent in worship, is that I wake up praising God with a song from the day before in my heart!

It was a blessing, and I'm sure what I learned about this weekend will stick with me forever.

Personality

I know I have changed over the last few years.  Life took me through some bumps that required growth and I realized looking back, that I have really grown and changed.  Some of my silliness has disappeared and I now spend a lot more time within, processing, rather than before.  I now would rather be alone and able to think and process then be busy and surrounded by others.  I knew I had become more introverted, but I was quite surprised at the change in the last two and a half years when I retook a free online personality test online.

My results from March 2009

ESFP

Extraverted (E) 68%        Introverted (I) 32%

Sensing (S) 59%              Intuitive (N) 41%

Feeling (F) 80%                 Thinking (T) 20%

Perceiving (P) 95%           Judging (J) 5%

And my results two and a half years later;

ISFP

Introverted (I) 57%         Extraverted (E) 43%

Sensing (S) 55%           Intuitive (N) 45%

Feeling (F) 65%                 Thinking (T) 35%

Perceiving (P) 55%           Judging (J) 45%

Like I said, I know I have changed. I just did not realize how dramatic a change it has been. But I like who I have become, now more settled in my faith and my beliefs. More responsible and realistic. I'm alright with not being so much of dreamer anymore, and I'm fine without the disappointment of being so naively positive. Thank God, all things work together for those who love Him!

Edit

INFJ

I took another personality test, this time Keirsey one on paper, which is known to be more accurate, and I got an INFJ! So now I'm a little confused, however, after reading a bit about the INFJ type, and learning about the Idealist, Counselor type, I do agree that it is me!  I wonder how my dream of being a blend of two of my hero's, Beth Moore and Michelle Duggar fit with this?

Taken from the Keirsey Temperament Website.

Idealists (NFs), as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

All Idealists share the following core characteristics:
Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

INFJ -- Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than three percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

That Was Awkward!

It was such a beautiful day today, so I took my Bible and my journal to one of my favorite parks.  It is a park I discovered over a year ago when I went for a drive to think.  I had driven past it many times before, but never realized it was there, hiding behind a lot of trees.  This park includes a pond, that has become kind of swampy.  I have no clue what it is actually called, but I call it Grace Pond, because I spent some really hard days there, and I felt like it was God's gift of grace to me.  I would talk to him out loud, because most often, it would just be me, God and the animals there.  A pair of swans, and some ducks and geese.  An occasional heron squawking and frogs chirping.  I would talk, and ask hard questions, and would feel a gentle breeze or the warm sun on my cheek, and knew God was smiling at me.

This little park is in Michigan, just a few miles from my house, and I like to go there when I have the time.  Its upkeep is severely neglected, and from what I have discovered, was once a much more alive place.  I have discovered old trail markers, a bridge, covered in over grown brush, and a picnic area sign with a flattened picnic table to the left of the pond, under huge pine trees.  Now, there is great evidence of it being a place for local teens to get into trouble together.  There is usually broken glass in the picnic pavilion and often teens or others will drive up, and leave once they see me there.

Anyway, today I went out by the water where someone had thrown one of the picnic tables.  It was tipped over and in the water a few days ago, when I discovered it and flipped it over.  There was another one in the water too, but it stuck to the black muck, and I could not right it on my own.  So I walked out towards the water, though the weeds that came above my waist, and sat crisscross on the top of the picnic table with my soggy flip flops drying beside me.

The colors of fall all around me were breathtaking!  The pond is covered with some kind of tiny, floating green vegetation.  With the pavilion, parking lot, and playground to my back, as far as I could see I was all alone with God.  The large trees framing the pond on three sides were brilliant reds, yellows, oranges and greens.  I was writing, praying, singing, praising, reading, all alone with God and nature.  And then came the buzz of a moped.

This park is not very big, and to be alone, you ether have to walk in the muck or go close to the water and hope no one follows you.  So this guy shows up and walks down kind of close to where I was.  He says hi to me and with a camera around his neck, walks through the overgrown brush and disappears in the trees to the right of the pond.  I want to be uninhibited in how I worship, and I only want an audience of one.  And that was not going to happen there any longer, so I thought maybe I would move to a bench closer to the parking lot and just write.  But I ended up at a picnic table under the pavilion.

I begin to write some and then along comes the moped man.  He wanders over to me, a bit overly interested, and says " Hello, how are you?" in a very heavy Latin accent.  I manage a polite, but curt "Fine, thank you," looking up only long enough to acknowledged him.  Hoping that he was just being friendly, and nothing more, I kept on writing as he lingered, and finally he said "Have a nice day," and left me alone.  As he took off on his moped, I wondered if he took any pictures of me as I was focused on my journaling.

About ten minuets later I head the buzz coming around the corner again.  I just wanted to finish writing down my thoughts, and then I would leave.  I had this creepy feeling as I noticed out of the corner of my eye it was him again.  I looked up, and no one else was there.  This time feeling more bold, moped man came over to me and sat down next to me on the picnic table.  I started feeling a little insecure at the situation I was now in.  He said hi to me (again), and that I was very beautiful.  I notice his very dark hair, and that though he was dressed youthfully, he looked to be at least 40.  I forced a smile, and kept my focus on my journal.  Couldn't he see that I was busy?  Then he saw my Bible and asked me what denomination I was involved in.  He knows I'm a Christian, I thought, a little frustrated.  Now I have to be nice to him even though he is really making me feel uncomfortable.  I told him and tried to write, though it was not what I wanted to be writing, because I could tell he was staring at me, or my writing.  Talk about awkward!

He just was not catching on at all.  He then scooted closer to me,  stroked my arm, and told me I was beautiful, again.  I could now smell alcohol on him and the "really creepy" sirens were going off in my head.  I'm thinking, what do I do now, as I'm still trying to stay focused on my greatest distraction, my journal.  But I am unsure of why he has not yet taken the hint and left me alone, as I am writing very distracted sentences like "I need so much more.  I need more than this..." as I can feel his eyes on me.  My journal was my escape, or so I needed it to be, so I kept my pen moving.  Finally he asked me if I was married.  I typically am of the belief that there is never a time when lying is acceptable, however, when a creepy guy is hitting on a girl all alone in a park, this could perhaps be the only exception to lying.  I'll have to ask Joe if this is the case.  So I look him right in the eyes and said in the most positive tone, "Mmhumm."

At this point I really hope he does not ask about "my husband," because I am really bad at making up lies under pressure, and I have nothing.  Plus, he is a stranger, who just needs to leave me alone, not learn about my personal life.  I thought of getting up and walking to my car, 10 feet behind me, or of picking up my phone from my pocket and playing with it to let him know just how uninterested I was, but then he asked me if I had children.  To which I responded with another, "Mmhumm," that may be worth slightly less than a strait "yes," but at this point, I was less concerned about lying and more concerned with being left alone!  Then he asked me how many kids I have!  I was thinking, say two.  But I didn't have a story for two babies, so I said one, thinking of Mia, my two year old sister.  Then after another awkward moment, much to my relief, he finally got up and said goodbye.

He wandered off into the park and disappeared behind the trees, and I finally finished writing, and left.

Youth

"It costs much to obtain the power of the Spirit: It costs self-surrender and humiliation and a yielding up of our most precious things to God; it costs the perseverance of long waiting, and the faith of strong trust.  But when we are really in that power, we shall find this difference, that whereas before, it was hard for us to do the easiest things, now it is easy for us to do the hard things." - A. J. Gordon

I'm not sure how I found that quote, but I have a feeling I stole it from a friend's status on facebook.  But I came across it again today, and realized it is probably more true of my life now, then when I first read it.

When I was younger, I only wanted to hear about good news.  I would cringe when someone would tell me that they had something they wanted to talk to me about.  This usually meant I was not going to like what I was about to hear.  And being the passive aggression person I am, I would love to find a way out of that conversation.  But life and the shear amount of difficult conversation I had in a short period, helped me to learn to tolerate conflict.  I hate conflict when it directly involves me, and I am now much more eager to jump in and get it all on the table so a solution can be found.  As I was learning to take confrontation, I seriously wondered if I was simply doomed to fail at every single attempt to live in harmony with this someone I cared for more than my very life!

I remember many times when I cried silent tears, while the one on the other end of the phone had no idea, or at least never let on.  In the name of keeping the peace, I would not give any hint to my suffering, but clearly learned just what that expression, "hurt people, hurt people," meant.  Grasping for any kind of logic, I believed that love did not intend to hurt, and tried so hard to always forgive, for I believe most of the time, the offence went unnoticed by the offending party.  I believe that hurt was never the intent, but a product of previous hurts, for what goes in eventually comes out but love does not keep score.  I always wanted to forgive and years later, I am still slowly learning why no matter what I did, or tried to do, it was never enough.  Thank you God, for answering my prayers for understanding!

That was the darkest time I have ever faced in life.  I have lived a fairly safe life.  I have never doubted that I was loved; eternally and unconditionally by my parents.  They often told me so as I grew up.  Much greater than any punishment they could give was a sit-down with them both, when they would tell me they were disappointed in a grade or for how I handled a situation.  It was never long or drawn out.  It didn't need to be.  The conversations usually ended with a gentile reminder that I could do better and they would be expecting to see it.  Then came the hug and the encouragement, which went something like, you smart and capable of much more.  We believe in you and there is nothing you could ever do to make us stop loving you.  It is only as I have become an adult that I realize how amazing my parents are.

Tonight I realized that I live in a very secure world.  I only drove a few miles down the road and saw a whole new side of life.  High school students with adult problems.  A lovely young girl in tears as she told of how her father was just laid off, and that she didn't know if she would be able to pay for an upcoming field trip.  My heart broke for her.  Another couple, at 16 just learned they are going to parents.  And yet another who is waiting to see if she is pregnant because, though she thought she was being "safe" with her boyfriend, "it broke."  This came out as she was confiding in an adult that she had no food in the house.  The pain and confusion of these children has to be indescribable.  And I wonder if these girls were ever told they were beautiful by their fathers.  If they were ever told they wonderful and lovely by their parents.  But most of these girls ether do not have a father in her life, or hope not to see him again.  I am so lacking in my counseling knowledge, but I know these girls would not be hurting so much if they had received what they needed as girls from their father's.

It's a mission field for sure, and I want to know how to help them.  I am such an advocate of adoption and I know so few pregnant teenagers would ever consider it an option.  I think I am going to be in touch with the local pregnancy care center soon.  I want to know how to help these girls.  I need to know.  This is not the first time.  Plus, I know at least a handful of families that would be excited to adopt a little baby, if given the opportunity.  When I talked to youth I had a relationship with before, I would tell them not to, or to stop sleeping with their boyfriend, but when they end up pregnant, know that I would be happy to adopt their child if an abortion ever even crossed their mind.  The way I see it, if I am going to advocate for life, I must be willing to adopt any child that comes my way that would have been aborted, or would potentially end up abused or neglected.

The kids I am now hanging out with on Wednesday's are from two of the area high school's.  One is known for a high pregnancy rate.  It just so happens that school is one that I will soon be at on a regular basis with, Young Life.  I don't really have an agenda other than to let the kids that get to know me see that they matter.  I want the guys to know that they have what it takes.  I want the girls to realize that they are beautiful and worthy.  They do not need a man to see that and sleeping with one at this age will not give them anything but more pain and confusion.

Yes, youth is wasted on the youth.  But I can clearly see that God has not pulled me out of youth ministry.  It just looks a little different now.  He is slowly revealing me my new ministry.  And the marginal kids who do not have any kind of home support really have my heart.  I am really excited to continue on leading in women's ministry,  Now if I could only find a paying job working with one of my favorite populations.  There has got to be something!  How many people want to work with troubled teenage girls?