Today was a really good day. It was also my birthday. I woke up at the end of a great dream. Babies again. There were two or three. It was confusing and abstract, as dreams can be, but once again, I was holding this precious little newborn, who was mine. As reality set in and the dream ended, I got up and dressed and got ready for the day, enjoying a cup of tea as I put on my make-up. As this 28 year-old face looked back at me, I remembered I'm not a huge fan of the grey hairs especially how they like to stick out horizontally among my dark curls, but other than that, 28 "looks" and feels a lot like 25.
I went shopping for some fabric to make some gifts for a baby shower for the two babies coming soon who will make me an aunt. I love shopping for fabric and dreaming of what I will create. I buy too much and I need some new ideas and fresh inspiration. I have been putting some of the things I make away in my ceder chest, rather than giving it all away. But it makes me feel all domestic, doing what I was made to do. I second my friend Sue, when she said "I was made to be a housewife." Though in my case, the key word being "wife" does not apply to me. Anyway, my morning was blissful.
I had many birthday wishes and over 100 on FB, from friends and family in 6 countries. People were so kind and generous in their posts. I sure felt loved today!
I met my sis for lunch and we had a good time together. It would only have been more enjoyable without my body reminding me how female I was. And I would like to tell Eve no thanks for that one. Anyway, as we were about to leave, I saw an old friend getting food to go, and we chatted for quite a bit. It was great to see her and dream with her a bit. We grew up together, and had not talked in a year. We played dolls together as kids and we both had dreamed together of what it would be like to get married and have lots of babies. Neither of our lives went in that direction. She had a baby the year after we graduated high school, but just got married a few months ago. As we spoke it was notable to me that though our lives have gone dramatically away from our "plan" as children, it remains what we both hope for in our hearts.
Yes, I do still quietly hope to marry and have babies. Thankfully it no longer eats at me, and God has taken care of me. I thought I was over that dream, or at least I tried so hard to surrender it, but the dreams of my subconscious (of being a mother lately), tell me I am not. Perhaps God could still choose to give me back that dream. It's his for now anyway, and I am very thankful for the life I have now being single and working in a job I love.
I got home and thought about taking a relaxing bath, but when I looked at the bathtub, and couldn't remember the last time I cleaned it, I sprayed it down, to scrub out later and wandered into my room. I lost over an hour to laying down with a heating pad. The painkiller was just not enough. I would have been useless to do anything else if I tried. I did try to read, but could not even focus enough to open my book. Thankful this was not a day I had to work, I prayed and asked God to help me finish out my day as wonderfully as it began. Soon I was feeling well enough to get up and begin sewing. I am almost done with the first of two big projects, and I have many other small ones that I am excited to get done tomorrow. I love creating! Sewing has become quite a hobby for me. I'll have to post my creations here, before I gift them.
For dinner, my mom prepared a lovely meal in honor of my birthday, grilled steak and chicken kabobs, with pineapple, onion, zucchini, yellow squash and red peppers, served on a bed of rice. It was amazing. After my mom, my sisters and I went on a nice long power walk, I was showered with gifts from my family, as my baby sister tried to "help" me open them. I am thankful for some new clothes that will be great for work. We had the traditional white cake with cocoa fudge frosting. It was always my favorite as a kid. I have become the one who usually makes the birthday cakes, so it was funny when my mom asked me what I might like and said that she could attempt one of my fancy cakes. I like finding and perfecting new recipes, but I also love the classics!
Today was a great day. I kept forgetting it was my birthday.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Thank You God!
I just read a post of a very bad day that was written with great humor. I felt sorry for her, but the fact that she can make light of it does wonders for the soul.
I woke this morning to a familiar question, only today, my response was a little different. I think it has made the difference in my day. I still have yet to wander down to the chapel and pray, like I want to. Last night when I wanted to look at the stars and talk to God, it was freezing out and hazy... No stars to be seen. Is this really the middle of May?
This morning, when I was hardly conscious, I gave my day and all that it would hold, to God. I prayed a hedge of protection over those I would be meeting with and those on my heart. I prayed for direction and God's blessing as well, and I have had a good day!
The slightly shy face of a bright eyed brown-skinned little child is staring at me. His beautiful picture came on a brochure for mission trips. Our summer is too busy to try to fit a mission trip in right now, but I took the add over to the paper cutter and cut out his beautiful face and stuck it on my wall just above my computer. I want to remember that even though I have decided it was not the right time to go to Africa this year, I have not forgotten. Which makes me think of David and Africa University, which I am looking into, and pray we can find a way to send him there.
This has been a year of growth for me. Though it had its ups and downs, I did a lot and it flew by anyway. Spring always reminds me of new life. If it were warmer out, I guess I would be talking about Summer. But there is always a feeling of expectation in the Spring, for what is to come. I love all that Summer brings.
I woke this morning to a familiar question, only today, my response was a little different. I think it has made the difference in my day. I still have yet to wander down to the chapel and pray, like I want to. Last night when I wanted to look at the stars and talk to God, it was freezing out and hazy... No stars to be seen. Is this really the middle of May?
This morning, when I was hardly conscious, I gave my day and all that it would hold, to God. I prayed a hedge of protection over those I would be meeting with and those on my heart. I prayed for direction and God's blessing as well, and I have had a good day!
The slightly shy face of a bright eyed brown-skinned little child is staring at me. His beautiful picture came on a brochure for mission trips. Our summer is too busy to try to fit a mission trip in right now, but I took the add over to the paper cutter and cut out his beautiful face and stuck it on my wall just above my computer. I want to remember that even though I have decided it was not the right time to go to Africa this year, I have not forgotten. Which makes me think of David and Africa University, which I am looking into, and pray we can find a way to send him there.
This has been a year of growth for me. Though it had its ups and downs, I did a lot and it flew by anyway. Spring always reminds me of new life. If it were warmer out, I guess I would be talking about Summer. But there is always a feeling of expectation in the Spring, for what is to come. I love all that Summer brings.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Dreams, Day and Night
I slept in this morning, because I could, and because I was having amazing dreams. Following a trauma over two years ago, I've had trouble sleeping well. I am so much better now, and I know prayer has everything to do with it. So I am always excited when I dream, and remember my dreams. I had many really good ones last night. One of the ones that stuck with me was when I had a baby.
We were in the old building which used to be my church and my sister was getting married. She is already married and having a baby in a few months. But I had this little baby as we were getting ready for the wedding. The baby was a girl, very small and around a month old. She was mine and I loved her very much. I had no clue where she came from and I was a single mother. I was nursing her, which was strange since she was adopted, but cool. I carried her around in a carrier I made and was blissfully happy. There were some other strange parts, but this is the most significant part to me, because since I have recovered from a broken heart and shattered dreams, it seems my desire to have a baby, which was all I ever wanted for as long as I can remember, is gone.
I prayed for a baby from the time my baby brother turned 2, and I was only 7 at the time. I did get 4 more siblings after him, (though that included a 7 year gap of praying) and I know I prayed my baby sister into my family, but none of these babies were enough. None of them were actually mine!
I used to love any and every baby, but not lately. I get easily annoyed with crying babies in public and tend to not notice them like I used to. I held a friends day old baby this week, and it was very familiar and nice, but cherishing every moment, and that usual ache to have my own was gone. This was a very strange feeling for me. And when I do dream about being a mother, even daydream, lately it's always by adoption and I am a single mother. Maybe I no longer believe that God will give me a husband and that I would be the one to birth some of my children. So this dream about having a tiny baby really caught me off guard. And I loved it. I loved this little helpless baby girl. She was mine and I was hers.
Somewhere inside of me, I do still hope for a wonderful godly husband and lots of babies somewhere in the future. I wonder if life stole this dream from me, or if God is simply answering my prayer of "take away these desires if they are not from you."
I would be delighted to be surprised by love and to dream about marriage, but I just don't know if it will happen for me again. I know I sound awfully cynical, but I did have it once, and perhaps that's all I get. I don't even pray for it for myself anymore, but just for God's best for me. And my life is good and full. God really is here and with me. I have so many blessings throughout my weeks these days. And rather than telling the man in my life about the ups and downs of my day, it all goes to God first. I know I must be going in the right direction and God is showing me his faithfulness as I learn to thank him and praise him in every situation. I realize that he cares way more about the state of my heart than he does about making my dreams come true.
I don't want to be alone and some days I begin to dream that their just might be a man out there who could compliment me in a great way and could actually love and accept me just as I am. Maybe I'm just not ready to believe that dreams can come true, at least not for me. But then I think about the mess I have been through and how it has really shaped me in the last few years.
And here I am almost 28 years old, and I just now discover that this life of having a career and being single is not so bad. It is nothing like I expected life to be at this stage, but I actually really like my life right now. I like being single and not responsible to any man or for any child much longer than I want to be. I like that I don't have to answer to anyone but God at this stage in life. I am super blessed in my job as it is a great fit to my skills and personality. I like where I am right now. I guess I have the most peace about my circumstances as I have ever had. I realize it's not about my reality as much as the peace I feel about the things which are out of my hands. And that is quite a huge blessing.
We were in the old building which used to be my church and my sister was getting married. She is already married and having a baby in a few months. But I had this little baby as we were getting ready for the wedding. The baby was a girl, very small and around a month old. She was mine and I loved her very much. I had no clue where she came from and I was a single mother. I was nursing her, which was strange since she was adopted, but cool. I carried her around in a carrier I made and was blissfully happy. There were some other strange parts, but this is the most significant part to me, because since I have recovered from a broken heart and shattered dreams, it seems my desire to have a baby, which was all I ever wanted for as long as I can remember, is gone.
I prayed for a baby from the time my baby brother turned 2, and I was only 7 at the time. I did get 4 more siblings after him, (though that included a 7 year gap of praying) and I know I prayed my baby sister into my family, but none of these babies were enough. None of them were actually mine!
I used to love any and every baby, but not lately. I get easily annoyed with crying babies in public and tend to not notice them like I used to. I held a friends day old baby this week, and it was very familiar and nice, but cherishing every moment, and that usual ache to have my own was gone. This was a very strange feeling for me. And when I do dream about being a mother, even daydream, lately it's always by adoption and I am a single mother. Maybe I no longer believe that God will give me a husband and that I would be the one to birth some of my children. So this dream about having a tiny baby really caught me off guard. And I loved it. I loved this little helpless baby girl. She was mine and I was hers.
Somewhere inside of me, I do still hope for a wonderful godly husband and lots of babies somewhere in the future. I wonder if life stole this dream from me, or if God is simply answering my prayer of "take away these desires if they are not from you."
I would be delighted to be surprised by love and to dream about marriage, but I just don't know if it will happen for me again. I know I sound awfully cynical, but I did have it once, and perhaps that's all I get. I don't even pray for it for myself anymore, but just for God's best for me. And my life is good and full. God really is here and with me. I have so many blessings throughout my weeks these days. And rather than telling the man in my life about the ups and downs of my day, it all goes to God first. I know I must be going in the right direction and God is showing me his faithfulness as I learn to thank him and praise him in every situation. I realize that he cares way more about the state of my heart than he does about making my dreams come true.
I don't want to be alone and some days I begin to dream that their just might be a man out there who could compliment me in a great way and could actually love and accept me just as I am. Maybe I'm just not ready to believe that dreams can come true, at least not for me. But then I think about the mess I have been through and how it has really shaped me in the last few years.
And here I am almost 28 years old, and I just now discover that this life of having a career and being single is not so bad. It is nothing like I expected life to be at this stage, but I actually really like my life right now. I like being single and not responsible to any man or for any child much longer than I want to be. I like that I don't have to answer to anyone but God at this stage in life. I am super blessed in my job as it is a great fit to my skills and personality. I like where I am right now. I guess I have the most peace about my circumstances as I have ever had. I realize it's not about my reality as much as the peace I feel about the things which are out of my hands. And that is quite a huge blessing.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
God's Grace
This year, so far has been a year of blessing. I cannot believe all that God has begun in me and in my life since I finally surrendered every last bit of my will. It was quite a fight some days, though my desire always was to surrender, I was in my way. My dreams are changing, and I know God still will bless me with these desires that remain on my heart, but I trust and believe he has other plans for me in the mean time.
I am truly blown away with all he is blessing me with right now. I see how quickly time goes by and before I know it, it will be 2012 and I expect the next year will bring about continued growth and blessing.
As I reflect on the last two years, I am ashamed at how much I fought God and how sorry for myself I felt. If only I could teach surrender and submitting to Christ. I will try, but as I found out, understanding something in your head and understanding something in your heart are two different things. It makes me think of the Pharisees, and a suffering friend who tends to get caught up in rules and forgets about grace. Religion is full of strict law and punishment. I think some of us forget that Jesus came to show us a new way, and paid it all in the process. The most important thing, and really all that matters is that we love the Lord with everything in us, and love and care for others as we care for ourselves.
Yesterday I slept 10 hours (making up for the 6 hour nighs I had most of the week) cleaned and organized most of my room, was blessed by an invitation, and spent some time with my mom and sister. As I was cleaning, I came across some notes from a few old friends who I really don't remember much of, but the things they wrote about me were such a blessing to rediscover. I guess I made some kind of impression. They were mostly from when I was 21 and 22, and included hints of a call to missions and who I was 6 years ago. It was 4 years ago that I first went to Africa.
Today, I woke up just before my alarm and spent some time praying, waking up slowly. God left me with thoughts of change and Africa as I was on my way to church. I imagine they were more like day dreams, but I was delighted and shocked by them at the same time. Kind of a too good to be true feel kept me smiling as I drove. When I got to church, I grabbed a few things in my office, and headed to the Youth Room to teach Sunday School. I walked up the stairs, behind a woman who looked like she was wearing an African suit. My students had yet to arrive, so I went into the Tower Cafe to find more out about the woman in the African attire. She was the guest speaker for the day on behalf of the United Methodist Women (UMW) as they did the entire service once a year, and this was their day. I found out that her name is Vicki and she came to talk about a feeding ministry in Sierra Leone to infants that the UMW support. It was so neat to be able to talk with her and reminds me that God still wants me to remember Africa, more than just when I get a text from David, or send him food money every month. I got her contact info and she and I will be in touch.
God is really opening some great doors for me. As Vicki spoke to the congregation, she said, God opens doors for us all the time, but we have to chose to go through them. We can miss a lot if we are become captive to our situation, but being open to change, can change your life. Missions is that way. One of the last things she said was, "live simply so that others may simply live."
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
The last few weeks have been great, but today, I feel like I am preparing for some exciting change, though I have no idea what is coming. The last time I felt this kind of excitement, I was with a friend and it was almost three years ago. We were driving on some highway with the windows down and my hair was dancing in the breeze. I remember feeling so full with the hope and excitement of what was to come, I couldn't stop smiling. We were weeks away from a trip to Africa, but I think my excitement came from the fact that I knew God was about to do something huge. Just like that time, I really did not know what was coming, but God sure moved! I am thrilled to see the next big thing that is coming up. Just like the last time, I pray God provides me someone to share in the greatness of this next adventure, because even though circumstances may separate us, I have been so blessed to walk through different seasons in life with great people. I know that is how God intended it.
Edit
Later Sunday evening I went to 6:25 Alive at church, the message was great. I had invited a bunch of people to the service via facebook, and I was delighted to realize that an old classmate that I had not seen in almost two years. I talked with her and met the others with her. Her friend, ended up locking his keys in his car, so they found me again after the service and I found them a hanger. After he got the door open, we decided to hang out, and went to Hacienda for some food. We had an amazing time of fellowship and it was a real blessings to hang out with them.
Monday, my best friend and I went to an open house at her hair salon, and I was really hungry. I was really excited that they had food, and I got some samples of hair products. We ended up spending the rest of the evening talking at starbucks.
I am truly blown away with all he is blessing me with right now. I see how quickly time goes by and before I know it, it will be 2012 and I expect the next year will bring about continued growth and blessing.
As I reflect on the last two years, I am ashamed at how much I fought God and how sorry for myself I felt. If only I could teach surrender and submitting to Christ. I will try, but as I found out, understanding something in your head and understanding something in your heart are two different things. It makes me think of the Pharisees, and a suffering friend who tends to get caught up in rules and forgets about grace. Religion is full of strict law and punishment. I think some of us forget that Jesus came to show us a new way, and paid it all in the process. The most important thing, and really all that matters is that we love the Lord with everything in us, and love and care for others as we care for ourselves.
Yesterday I slept 10 hours (making up for the 6 hour nighs I had most of the week) cleaned and organized most of my room, was blessed by an invitation, and spent some time with my mom and sister. As I was cleaning, I came across some notes from a few old friends who I really don't remember much of, but the things they wrote about me were such a blessing to rediscover. I guess I made some kind of impression. They were mostly from when I was 21 and 22, and included hints of a call to missions and who I was 6 years ago. It was 4 years ago that I first went to Africa.
Today, I woke up just before my alarm and spent some time praying, waking up slowly. God left me with thoughts of change and Africa as I was on my way to church. I imagine they were more like day dreams, but I was delighted and shocked by them at the same time. Kind of a too good to be true feel kept me smiling as I drove. When I got to church, I grabbed a few things in my office, and headed to the Youth Room to teach Sunday School. I walked up the stairs, behind a woman who looked like she was wearing an African suit. My students had yet to arrive, so I went into the Tower Cafe to find more out about the woman in the African attire. She was the guest speaker for the day on behalf of the United Methodist Women (UMW) as they did the entire service once a year, and this was their day. I found out that her name is Vicki and she came to talk about a feeding ministry in Sierra Leone to infants that the UMW support. It was so neat to be able to talk with her and reminds me that God still wants me to remember Africa, more than just when I get a text from David, or send him food money every month. I got her contact info and she and I will be in touch.
God is really opening some great doors for me. As Vicki spoke to the congregation, she said, God opens doors for us all the time, but we have to chose to go through them. We can miss a lot if we are become captive to our situation, but being open to change, can change your life. Missions is that way. One of the last things she said was, "live simply so that others may simply live."
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
The last few weeks have been great, but today, I feel like I am preparing for some exciting change, though I have no idea what is coming. The last time I felt this kind of excitement, I was with a friend and it was almost three years ago. We were driving on some highway with the windows down and my hair was dancing in the breeze. I remember feeling so full with the hope and excitement of what was to come, I couldn't stop smiling. We were weeks away from a trip to Africa, but I think my excitement came from the fact that I knew God was about to do something huge. Just like that time, I really did not know what was coming, but God sure moved! I am thrilled to see the next big thing that is coming up. Just like the last time, I pray God provides me someone to share in the greatness of this next adventure, because even though circumstances may separate us, I have been so blessed to walk through different seasons in life with great people. I know that is how God intended it.
Edit
Later Sunday evening I went to 6:25 Alive at church, the message was great. I had invited a bunch of people to the service via facebook, and I was delighted to realize that an old classmate that I had not seen in almost two years. I talked with her and met the others with her. Her friend, ended up locking his keys in his car, so they found me again after the service and I found them a hanger. After he got the door open, we decided to hang out, and went to Hacienda for some food. We had an amazing time of fellowship and it was a real blessings to hang out with them.
Monday, my best friend and I went to an open house at her hair salon, and I was really hungry. I was really excited that they had food, and I got some samples of hair products. We ended up spending the rest of the evening talking at starbucks.
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