What I Want

"Laura, what do you really want?" A friend just asked me. "Whatever you want, God will do it for you." It is not an easy answer, especially in this economy. I know I can't find it and so I try to seek what I want. I want a good paying job. When the economy is tough, people go back to school. I do want more education, but I am really questioning weather or not I need to work toward a masters right now. If I could just find a really good job... But hardly anyone is finding those right now.

What I really want a husband who gets me. A best friend who loves God and others, and wants to love me, even when I am unlovable. A man who chooses to love me, even when I just know I am right, and when I am grumpy and difficult to deal with. One who is a bit old-fashioned and romantic.  I am generally easygoing, but I know I can be difficult at times. However I am usually good at forgiving and forgetting. And I want to be a blessing to my husband. I want to care for him and our family. I want him to feel blessed to have married me.

And I want the baby in my arms to finally be mine! If I am going to put fourth so much time and energy in raising a child, I would like to be the one they call mama and get to have a voice in their life. I know there are a few dark-eyed children out there, waiting to have a mother. And I suppose I would like to give birth to a few children as well.

Swimming around in my head are verses like, Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." And Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things should be added to you." Do I not seek enough?  Do I not delight myself in Christ enough? Are these verses really for everyone? I have had some great adventure, and I do not want it to be over. And so I wait.

Oh Baby!

In the last year or two, my feelings and dreams on what I hope my future family will look like has changed.  I used to want a house full of children, and wanted to start that family at least 5 years ago.  I did not get married by 21 as I thought I would, and I doubt I'll make it to 30 a married woman.  This was something I grieved over for at least a year.  And then all of the sudden, I didn't care about it anymore.

Let me back up here and share a bit of background.  I have loved children and babies, since I was hardly walking.  When I became a big sister at 19 months, I thought it was my responsibly to care for my baby sister.  I took care of her for as long as she would let me, and was delighted to have a baby brother born just before my 5th birthday.  I changed his diapers and carried him up and down the stairs, and loved him like crazy.  I was made to be a caregiver of children, and so that must mean that I should be a mother, I thought.  I loved being the second mother when my 3 brothers were born as I was a teenager.

I was always caring for my younger cousins, and loved to help with anything that included holding babies.  I started a long babysitting career at 12, and would nanny for families over night for a weekend once I could drive, and longer periods when I was in college.  The money wasn't bad ether.  I worked in the church nursery, and prided myself on being the one to get almost any baby to stop crying and to sleep.  Eventually in college, I became in charged of the nursery and all childcare at my church.  It was a big job, at a large church, but babies and training others to show God's love by caring for babies and young children was my thing.  

And then I almost got married, and it looked like it was my turn to dream and finally get what I had been waiting my whole life for.  But it was just a taste, and my soul grieved the fact that I would most likely not ever find this dream of having a loving husband and a house full of children while I was young.  I remember being horribly offended when I had poured out my broken heart to a lady pastor who was all too eager to mentor me, and when I was done, she said "God has other things for you to do besides being a wife and mother."  I wrote her off as a feminist at first (as she had called herself), but her words stuck.  In my head, I could think of no greater calling than to be wife and mother. 

And so I prayed that if these deep desires would not be fulfilled soon, that God would remove them.  And I began a career in youth ministry, enjoyed being independent and didn't mind working late hours.  I began to think less and less of my old dreams and made new ones.  For the first time ever, I really didn't want to have a baby.  I was startled by this thought at first.  I still thought it would be nice to have a husband to share life with, but I was enjoying my work too much to think about babies.  I was delighted when I discovered I was going to be an aunt.  My sister and my sister in law both discovered they were pregnant at the same time, but I silently felt terribly forgotten my God.  But I dried my tears and had more than enough to distract me from feeling inadequate.

God used my heartache from love lost and broken dreams to be able to better relate to my students and those who came to me for counsel.  It brought a lot of healing.  And all the while, I was content to be just where I was, loving my students and being able to work in a church with such a great congregation.  And then I was an aunt.  And I loved my new nephews, but I was not gaga over them as I have been over many other new babies.  My hormones seemed to be off and I wondered just how God had answered my prayers.

And now, all of the sudden, something has changed in me and I want a baby again!  Not like tomorrow or anything, but I want to mother a newborn.  The only children I had wanted were the 6 month and up adopted kind, (which I still do want).  I never stopped enjoying play time with a silly toddler.  I have been bonding a lot more with my nephew (who is local), and now that he screams a lot less, I really enjoy caring for him.  And I get so excited every time the other one comes to town.  So I wonder why this is happening now.  I believe God always has a plan, and sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through.  Trusting that God is not a liar and what his word says he will do, he is going to do.  And I am super anxious to see how this is all going to turn out.  If nothing else, I can at least enjoy others babies again.

And So I Wait

I keep asking for a vision for my next step.  Don't get me wrong, my life is very full right now with babysitting my nephew, and all the volunteering in ministry I am doing now.  But I am hardly making money.  I'm making less right now than I can ever remember making in my adult life.  And my days have never been so full.  But I need to put gas in my car, and not deplete my savings.  If I am not going to be able to save right now, I want to at least maintain the balance of my savings account, that I worked hard to build up.

When I pray about this I keep hearing that God has some really great plan for me that is about to be put into action, and I just have to trust him.  I'm asking God about jobs to apply to, and he is telling me that he is going to provide for my needs, and that I just need to trust him.  Should I think I know better than God and demand that he give me a paying job?  Honestly, I want to.  But really, I want to see this thing that he says I need to wait for.  And even if I could find a well paying job, I would be out of his will, and I never want to live like that again.  But waiting on him is so much easier said than done!  I might be crazy, and if I have heard him wrong, I would gladly accept that, and appreciate being set right.  I need to pray for more faith!  I need to pray more with my faith-filled friends.

Wrapped into this hint about the future is a mate and children.  I dream of creating a family through adoption and perhaps fostering as well as giving birth to a few children.  I think of Hebrews 11 a lot these days.  "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  I am certain that this idea I have about my future is from God.  I just don't see how I get there, or who is coming with me.  Forgive me for my lack of faith, God.

My children, some may already be born.  It's hard to think that and know that I cannot have them now.  I have been praying for them for 3 years now, and 3 years ago, I thought it would be great if they were 1 and 3.  Maybe they are much older than that.  Maybe more than 2 of them are waiting to call me "mama."  I gear God whisper "trust me," as my heart breaks for the older kids in the system.  My family is so important to me and I cannot imagine growing up without a family.  I do not take lightly the fact that I feel called to give some of these children a family.  But God tells me the time for this is not yet.  So I wait.  I'm sick of the waiting, followed by a few good days and more waiting.  I want to live every day to the fullest, knowing that I served God that day, but I fall short.  And in my quest for the career for my life over the last few years, I can think of no greater way to serve God than to be a wife and mother.  Both jobs require the ultimate sacrifice... To love.  Laying down your wants and desires, and perhaps even your life to choose to love and serve, regardless of feelings, everyday.  And so I wait, and I pray, and try not to lose hope.

Love and Relationships

In the last 5 years or so, I have become much more aware of marriage and all that is involved with joining two lives together with God.  At the time, I was aching to be married and know what romantic love really was.  I thought I was ready to be someones' wife.  I thought I would be good at it.  Really, it would have been quite tough and I would have had a lot to learn.  I wasn't ready for it, and though I begged him, God knew better.

In the last 5 years I have spent focused time learning about marriage through conversation, observation and in the last few years, actually reading books about relationships (which was a huge step for me as reading does not come easily to me).  I have even read a few books intended for men, to have a bit of insight into their world.  It has really opened my eyes, and the majority of this learning happened after I had a failed romantic relationship.  I wanted to know why our love, though strong, was no where near enough.  I wanted to be sure not to make the same mistakes in the future.  And I have been shocked and enlightened at what I learned.  It still intrigues me that though men and women are so different, we are so incredibly attracted to each other in every way, and it really is God's plan that we live together in happy marriages.  We women were made for men, to help them or be their help meet.  This was God's design.  I still wonder why I was 26 when I finally learned this.

Though my searching, and in retrospect, I see how badly I messed up.  I had so many light bulb moments as I read, and stopped many times to ask God to forgive me, and realize why he was so mad in reflecting on one situation, or why he had shutdown in another.  I also see how grace and forgiveness can go a long way, and it takes that, God, and two willing spirits to weather any storm.  While I am still waiting on that happily ever after, or at least walking down the isle in a pretty white dress and saying "I do," for the next 60+ years, I want to be as ready as I can be whenever God should decide to bless me with a marriage.

In my quest to understand men (or at least try) I have found my knowledge incredibly helpful in life.  And reading books about women, like So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, helps me understand some friends.  I don't think I'm a typical insecure girl, and I thank my parents and God for that one!  I seem to be the one friends come to lately for advise and counsel.  I understand people in a way I never have before.  First off, God has given me great compassion and allowed me to look far beyond what I can see with my natural eyes.  Behind a tough outlook on life, I see pain and unforgiveness.  Behind a control freak, I see someone who's life was always in disarray as a child and the need to control there environment and others is because they were never able to just be who God created them to be.  And God has also gifted me with a mentor turned close friend though the journey of the last few years, who has taught me which has enabled me to pay it forward.

I really enjoy learning about people and why we do the things we do.  The anthropologist/sociologist in me is turning a bit towards psychology.  It makes me want to consider counseling for a career.  I really love helping people and helping them get closer to God as the release baggage and begin to heal.  Forgiveness can work wonders for the down and out, and it has been so rewarding walking with people as they heal from deep and long standing wounds, and begin to turn to Christ.

And then there is marriage.  It used to sound like such a blissful thought to me when I was younger.  Though I still desire it, now it frightens me, and so does the thought of being a parent (and raising children is almost second nature to me by now).  From what I see and hear, marriage is hard.  Really hard!  I think the most important piece is that you find a partner who is committed to the marriage.  True love is making that choice and commitment to act with love even though you do not feel it.  But if you have not grown up in a healthy environment, how can you know what a truly healthy relationship is?  This is the problem I think a lot of us face.

My heart is breaking right now for a young friend who's husband just left her and her baby, a week before their baby turned one.  I remember her wedding.  At the time I was so excited for her, but also struck with pain, feeling sorry for myself because I was ready for my own wedding that did not come.  But now, I just am so sorry.  I do not know the details, and I do not need to.  This is not God's plan for marriage.  This was not God's will.  And I have known a few other marriages that began and failed in the time my heart has longed for a mate.  But if waiting will ensure my heart will never break again, I'll wait another 5 years for the right one.

The desire to love and be loved in such a complete way with God in marriage is why I want to get back up when I get hurt by life.  And though I know the pain of severed ties, at least I have been loved.  I never want to know how divorce feels.  Maybe naively, I used to believe that all it takes for a marriage to work is two people who commit to being together, and never allow divorce to be considered.  Along those lines, I believed that any one could make it.  Of course I did not take into account selfishness, brokenness, baggage and insecurities.  I have come to believe sin and a lack of belief in our creator is the root of our almost all our problems.

At times, a broken heart felt like the end of the world.  But even in the midst of the most painful times, I knew that God was right there next to me, crying with me, and then offering his peace.  That memory keeps me still when I want to beg God to move.  So I wait in God.  I'm learning to listen more and talk less.  I will be still with him and wait to see him move.  I have learned that to wait is to gain.  To forgive is to be free.  I sure hope that with all of these lessons I have learned the hard way, I can help my heartbroken friend to heal.

Fostering God's Children

My mom listened to Focus On The Family on the radio a few days ago, was inspired and told me to listen to it. So I pulled it up on the website and enjoyed listening to a family's story of adoption through the foster system. Since my parents decided a few months ago to continue to foster after adopting Mia, it has inspired my mom to pray for that next foster child to take in and adopt.  

The bible says 47 times to take care of orphans and widows! How many other commands mentioned in the Bible only once do we put so much more emphasis on? I hear stories like this one from Focus and I realize I already know my calling. It's not youth ministry or children's ministry, or even women's ministry. It is to invest in the lives of those around me and find ways to serve God by loving his children. Adopting foster children is one way, and now my heart is aching to do it (yet again). But God has made it clear to me that I will not be in a place to foster before I have a husband to parent his precious children with me. Sigh. So I pray for ways that I can support my family now and other foster and adoptive families.

This testimony of one woman serving God through fostering and adoption stirred my heart even more than the first story. See, adoption has been on my heart for as long as I can remember.  Well before my younger siblings were born, I would pray for God to give us a baby. I might have been 8 at the time, and I always thought that baby would come through adoption. Maybe it was because around this time I had 2 adopted cousins. Even after my 3 brothers were born while I was a teenager, I still felt like we should have adopted, but I was not the parent. 

Finally after I went to Africa the first time, I helped to mostly convince my parents that they needed to take in an orphan, and they began looking into adopting from China. I had already done a lot of research for them into adopting from China when I was 18, after we read an article about the awful conditions in Chinese orphanages. At the time, my parents only had 6 kids, and my sister and I were always helping with the babies. But they had another baby, and when he was about three, Adopting from China looked appealing, adoptions there were becoming more restricted. So my parents thought about another country, and finally were encouraged to become foster parents and adopt that way.  And I'm so glad they did!

Someday, I'll know the joys and sorrows of being an adoptive parent too.  Mia is a brilliant child, with the communication skills most teenagers lack, but is also one of the most hyper-active 2 year old's I know. Working with her to teach her to live in her body and world has been one the most difficult, most rewarding experiences I have ever had with a child. I can't imagine it any other way! She has taught my little brothers to have tea parties, and play with dolls, or at least tolerate them. All 4 on my younger brothers have learned to be compassionate when it is not convent, and when my parents talked to my brothers about taking another foster child, all three were shocked that my parents would even consider not taking more children, and some suggested adopting 2 or 3 more! Yes, I would love another little sister, for Mia and for the entire family. I would be great as a big sister, to fall in love all over again. 

I know a few big families, the kind that makes our family of 8 children look average or even small.  We are talking 12-18 kids here. Some have adopted and some have not. I see these families, problems and all, and I think what a blessing it is to have so many sisters and brothers. I have always felt short changed to have grown up with only one sister, and one who was really bad at letting me take care of her non the less. The need to nurture was ingrained in me and came out the day she was born! Starting in infancy, she wanted to be independent and the fact that I am only 19 months older than her did not help. I am of the notion that another child in a healthy family is always a good thing. It will be interesting to see what God will do. :)