Africa, My Love

I keep talking to my kids and the ladies in my Bible study about how we need to depend on God like my friends in Africa do. I cannot tell you the times I have said "We need faith like an African." But I have just come to realize that God gives the poor more faith because of their material lack. It was a bit of a sad revelation for me, but I have accepted this call to ministry and missions in my life, and the fact that I will most likely never be rich with material wealth, so perhaps I too can share in the blessing of great faith.

I so badly want to adopt some children from Liberia since I first visited the beautiful country 5 years ago. It grieves my heart that Liberian adoptions closed and though it has been years, have still not opened up complected yet, though I am thankful that special needs adoptions are being processed. Other countries are also in the same boat, with adoptions closing, and hardly any going through. I believe when done rightly, adoptions open the doors for an amazing exchange of culture and can be in the best interest of both parties. Perhaps I will fast and pray for that to change this lent. For the orphans of the world to be adoptable and for the connection of theses precious children, and the families that God intends them to be a part of. I am not in a position to adopt right now, and God is telling me no anyway, but others can. And the need of orphans in the world is great. But we serve an even greater God.

I could go on and on about orphanages in Africa, and even the "Christian" orphanages around the globe. I could go an and on about the corruption, I witnessed first hand, but I won't. I was only 23 when a self seeking man was blatantly lying to me and his staff, smearing the good name of a family I had worked closely with in ministry in Africa at a meeting he asked me to attend. Palms sweating, heart racing, God prompting, I called him out on it with a boldness I had yet to realize was in me. He laughed at me and tried to tell me he was right because he was older and had been to the US before I was born. But he failed because not only was I disgusted by him and not afraid of him, but his staff heard what I had said. God sure took care of me there, because it was his words I spoke that day and I could have been punished by choosing to open my mouth by that deceptive man. My US team, my security, had left already and I felt a little abandon. Technically, I working in Africa under the deceptive man, and he could have made my life really hard. God had me though and I had the orphanage director and my good friend Prince to take care of me until I left for home about a week after that.

Africa is is so visibly broken. So in need of education and true religion. But so is the rest of the third world. I do feel that I will be back in that beautiful country someday to serve. Maybe I'll run an orphanage. There are so many precious children to love. I tell you, for those 2 and a half months I lived at an orphanage in Liberia, I knew for the first time in my life that I was exactly where God wanted me; in the middle of those 500 children, teaching them, holding them, loving them and crying with them. Feeling stretched to my limits daily, and only taking a break from them to eat, sleep, read my Bible and journal. It was the most amazing thing that God has ever done with me.

And so we pray for the pregnant teenagers, and the children born to parents who will not be what they need. And those precious babies that are so near to God's heart. It may look different, but I believe teen pregnancy is just as much an issue among the poorer people here as it is in Africa. So I continue to pray and serve in the ways God puts on my heart.

All Things New

A friend picked up a brand new AA foster baby from the hospital today, and oh does it make me want to beg God for my turn. I want a newborn brown baby too! They already were told it was a most likely be a TPR (adoptable child) situation. I am so excited for this family, and it stirs my heart. Lord, I cry out, I could do it! I could be a foster mother now and raise babies. But he still says, "not yet."

I am so good at bargain shopping, I scare myself. Today I was thrift shopping with a friends girls. I kept telling them as they looked around, "ask yourself, 'what could this become?'" I was going to teach them how to repurpose some old things. We found some wooden jewelry boxes for less than a dollar, just begging for girls to paint and decoupage them. And I picked up a coffee table for $15. It needs some work, but I see what it will become. And for now, I guess that is what my sights should be set on. Seeing the beauty that is there through the dirt and grime of life.

And my teenagers... I love them. One had me up, texting last night about how high school is such a waste when you want to follow your dreams. After two hours, I think I got my point across on why it was necessary to finish what is in front of you. By the time my student's frustration had passed, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, and felt like I could finally say how tired I was and goodnight. I think teenagers are way more exhausting than babies! They have mostly taken that need to nurture a little one from me. And I do have my 3 year old hyperactive sister, and my 7 month old high needs nephew, whom I watch a few times a week for my baby fix. But there is just something about the beauty of bringing a baby home from the hospital. I helped my mom do it once with a newborn foster baby. It was amazing.

And even when I get that place with an extra bedroom, as much as I would like to turn it into a nursery, I would be wasting my time because I know that as soon as I have it, I'll get a text about a friend of one of my kids who doesn't have a place to stay. And she might be pregnant like the one last week that needed a place to stay. That room will probably need a crib and bunk beds or something like that!

I have told so many youth in the last year and a half, not to have sex and not to get pregnant, but if they do, come to me and I would do everything I can to help, including adopting the baby if that was what they want. I pretty much throw it out there with my kids these days. With my girls, it's become what we say to each other when we say goodbye. They will say it to me too, "Don't have sex. Don't get pregnant." We even joke, "Kisses lead to pregnancy. No kissing!" I know most of them listen to me, and respect what I tell them, but I'm not naive enough to think that all of my kids will abstain. Nor am I willing to let them get into more trouble after a mistake, because they don't think I will offer unconditional grace and love. These kids have already lived a life of that. I refuse to be one more person who failed to come through for them.

Just when I think I am figuring out what God wants me to do, it changes. It makes me smile though, because I love the change of life. Too much of the same makes me apathetic. God knows me well. I am so excited to realize my God really gets me. He may be the only soul on this earth who actually does!

So I will continue to scrub off the dirt and grime in the lives of my precious students, as they face the biggest battles of their lives, and tend the wounds that become exposed and infected in the process. Only God would place me in ministry at the high school that's biggest rival is the high school I graduated. And it is all for His glory. I am falling so much more in love with my Savior as I help my dear students cleanse themselves of the filth life continues to slather on them. Only by God's grace. Only because of the lamb that was slain.

My Valentine

I only want Jesus. No other man could satisfy me the way he does. And I find myself wishing that he were walking the earth, looking for a wife, and that he would find me. Well I am sure he could find more deserving women. But I so badly want to connect with him on the most intimate level. I have been praying for a man who is the closest to Jesus of any. But we are all fallen, and I am certainly not without sin. If it were not for the fact that God created me to want to be physically close and intimate with a husband, I would be so filled with joy to think of only Jesus and me forever. But for this season, he is mine and I am his.

But he is all I am thinking about at this time. I want to be single right now. I want this time to just be for me and my savior. I want so badly to grow so much closer to my God, right now while I do not have the distractions that married mothers have. I have the freedom in my life right now for it to just be me and my Jesus. And I am so in love with him. And I find myself falling deeper and deeper each day. It's just so amazing to me. I desire Jesus to walk with me and talk with me as though he were here in the flesh. I so wish that he would be here with me in the flesh.

And so I claim Jesus as my Valentine. For now and forever. Only he knows if there will ever be another love in my life. But I will praise him and love him as long as I have breath in me. He is what I need. And truly, none of my needs are unmet.

Footprints of Grace

My soul is at rest. I breathe in and out with a lightness I could very easily become accustomed to. Peace is overwhelming me. In the last 4 days I have spent at least part of my day with other believers, in meetings and worship. I was not really looking forward to my weekend being so full, but I was pleasantly surprised at all the blessing that came out of such a weekend. 

Friday, I enjoyed a morning worshiping and studying with some wonderful ladies at our James Bible Study. During our discussion time, we happened upon a difficult subject, and I was struck by the fact that I had some answers. I am leading this group with a dear friend who is like a Grandmother to me. She was my leader over a year ago when we studied Believing God, a great Beth Moore Bible study. Anyway, I had discovered some insight over the last few years and I had some of the answers. I am walking with God and he is revealing to me his heart and teaching me such amazing things. 

I am so bad at memorizing Scripture, but I am in the word more, and God is helping me to find what I seek in the Bible. James 1:17 calls God the father of good gifts. Beth Moore is so quotable, and I love how she said "God uses time to unwrap presents that appear as curses." I'm shouting "AMEN!" aloud in my quiet place of study, as though Beth and I are having a conversation. And then she said, "Temptation attempts to tear open the package before its due date, and in so doing, disfigures what's inside." So flee from temptation and believe that God will use your scars for his glory if you will let him!

Friday evening, I had a Young Life fellowship dinner followed by some community time and amazing worship. I made friends with some new ND freshman who will be new leaders. I got to hang out and chat with some amazing people who love Jesus, and I really enjoyed a devotion on Acts 2:42-47. I am liking Acts more and more. Then I met a friend at Starbucks, and we talked life and ministry. I told her about a book I had been reading in the afternoon about prayer, and how we need to ask God what to pray before we just go off and assume we know his will. So I asked God how he wanted me to pray in a few situations, and was amazed at what he told me. I am so thankful I serve a God who tells me what I want to know! I just wish he did every time. 

Saturday I was up early for another YL meeting, this time, being a part of the planning for the next year. I am the newest one to this group, and I absolutely enjoyed spending most of my day discussing the future, and laughing and sharing with a group of people who love Jesus and teenagers. Plus the lunch was amazing! And the hosts were just about as good as you can have. And being the newest senior leader, I felt totally welcomed and loved by the committee and the other senior leaders.

After that, I went home and finished a sewing project for a friend's new baby. Then I met a friend at the local mega church, for some more worship! At this time I was super excited that I was totally connecting with God. We were aligned for some parts of the day and my soul felt so free. It is such an amazing thing to experience. I have been enjoying this church on Saturday evenings lately. It was some good worship and a decent message, followed by Starbucks.

Sunday I woke earlier than normal. I was eager to get to church, and so ready to see God move in my congregation and in my life. I crave more worship time than the typical 3 songs before the sermon. But we sang some wonderfully classic songs, and I connected with God. My favorite of the morning was Jesus Paid It All. I absolutely love singing that song!

This evening, I had my prayer group, and the study we are doing on A Praying Life, and it is really challenging me on what I believe on Prayer and God's nature. Every day of study I find myself questioning the author, as well as all I have believed before to be true about my God. I feel so full of grace and light, I think I may be able to fly!

Jesus Paid It All

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe;
My sin had left this crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

It’s washed away
All my sin
And all my shame

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save,"
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

O praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead

We’ll praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead