In the last 5 years or so, I have become much more aware of marriage and all that is involved with joining two lives together with God. At the time, I was aching to be married and know what romantic love really was. I thought I was ready to be someones' wife. I thought I would be good at it. Really, it would have been quite tough and I would have had a lot to learn. I wasn't ready for it, and though I begged him, God knew better.
In the last 5 years I have spent focused time learning about marriage through conversation, observation and in the last few years, actually reading books about relationships (which was a huge step for me as reading does not come easily to me). I have even read a few books intended for men, to have a bit of insight into their world. It has really opened my eyes, and the majority of this learning happened after I had a failed romantic relationship. I wanted to know why our love, though strong, was no where near enough. I wanted to be sure not to make the same mistakes in the future. And I have been shocked and enlightened at what I learned. It still intrigues me that though men and women are so different, we are so incredibly attracted to each other in every way, and it really is God's plan that we live together in happy marriages. We women were made for men, to help them or be their help meet. This was God's design. I still wonder why I was 26 when I finally learned this.
Though my searching, and in retrospect, I see how badly I messed up. I had so many light bulb moments as I read, and stopped many times to ask God to forgive me, and realize why he was so mad in reflecting on one situation, or why he had shutdown in another. I also see how grace and forgiveness can go a long way, and it takes that, God, and two willing spirits to weather any storm. While I am still waiting on that happily ever after, or at least walking down the isle in a pretty white dress and saying "I do," for the next 60+ years, I want to be as ready as I can be whenever God should decide to bless me with a marriage.
In my quest to understand men (or at least try) I have found my knowledge incredibly helpful in life. And reading books about women, like So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore, helps me understand some friends. I don't think I'm a typical insecure girl, and I thank my parents and God for that one! I seem to be the one friends come to lately for advise and counsel. I understand people in a way I never have before. First off, God has given me great compassion and allowed me to look far beyond what I can see with my natural eyes. Behind a tough outlook on life, I see pain and unforgiveness. Behind a control freak, I see someone who's life was always in disarray as a child and the need to control there environment and others is because they were never able to just be who God created them to be. And God has also gifted me with a mentor turned close friend though the journey of the last few years, who has taught me which has enabled me to pay it forward.
I really enjoy learning about people and why we do the things we do. The anthropologist/sociologist in me is turning a bit towards psychology. It makes me want to consider counseling for a career. I really love helping people and helping them get closer to God as the release baggage and begin to heal. Forgiveness can work wonders for the down and out, and it has been so rewarding walking with people as they heal from deep and long standing wounds, and begin to turn to Christ.
And then there is marriage. It used to sound like such a blissful thought to me when I was younger. Though I still desire it, now it frightens me, and so does the thought of being a parent (and raising children is almost second nature to me by now). From what I see and hear, marriage is hard. Really hard! I think the most important piece is that you find a partner who is committed to the marriage. True love is making that choice and commitment to act with love even though you do not feel it. But if you have not grown up in a healthy environment, how can you know what a truly healthy relationship is? This is the problem I think a lot of us face.
My heart is breaking right now for a young friend who's husband just left her and her baby, a week before their baby turned one. I remember her wedding. At the time I was so excited for her, but also struck with pain, feeling sorry for myself because I was ready for my own wedding that did not come. But now, I just am so sorry. I do not know the details, and I do not need to. This is not God's plan for marriage. This was not God's will. And I have known a few other marriages that began and failed in the time my heart has longed for a mate. But if waiting will ensure my heart will never break again, I'll wait another 5 years for the right one.
The desire to love and be loved in such a complete way with God in marriage is why I want to get back up when I get hurt by life. And though I know the pain of severed ties, at least I have been loved. I never want to know how divorce feels. Maybe naively, I used to believe that all it takes for a marriage to work is two people who commit to being together, and never allow divorce to be considered. Along those lines, I believed that any one could make it. Of course I did not take into account selfishness, brokenness, baggage and insecurities. I have come to believe sin and a lack of belief in our creator is the root of our almost all our problems.
At times, a broken heart felt like the end of the world. But even in the midst of the most painful times, I knew that God was right there next to me, crying with me, and then offering his peace. That memory keeps me still when I want to beg God to move. So I wait in God. I'm learning to listen more and talk less. I will be still with him and wait to see him move. I have learned that to wait is to gain. To forgive is to be free. I sure hope that with all of these lessons I have learned the hard way, I can help my heartbroken friend to heal.
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