Work has been so busy in the last few months. Like a few 10 plus hour work days a week lately, and being on call more often. I have hardly had a chance to enjoy the summer. They say this is just a transition season with a case manager quitting and covering other case manager's vacations and I really hope it is the truth. I have not had much time lately to be alone but when I am, I wonder about the future.
My hopes for the future are being redefined. Financial success, fame and fortune have never been what I crave. I want to help others, and to know that I am doing my very best. What I miss the most is that my extended hours have made deep Bible study time difficult to find, and I have much less time to dream.
But I still catch myself in dreams at times. Sometimes I find myself talking with others who put me into their dreams, or we make up a dream together and escape if only for a moment into a fantasy world. I do like to dream, though sometimes I wonder if I have time left for some of my dreams to come true when most seem so lost a midst the daily grind.
I have long stopped fighting for my dreams. I once did, and battled in prayer. I did win that round I guess, but just not in the way I was asking. Maybe that has prevented me from dreaming as I used to. And I do miss those good morning texts. And I miss the way he called me "lovely," though I am thankful for all he has taught me. Perhaps I truly am afraid most of my dreams will ever come to pass. But than again, this life I live now is not so bad.
Though my days can be long and the work is never ending, I am helping one of the most vulnerable populations, and have an amazingly positive work environment. Maybe I have just grown up, or maybe I just do not have the will to fight my reality any longer. Yes, I do wish for more blessing, but life is still wonderful as it is. And my prayers are no longer driven by fear, but by a settled peace that God will have his way in me.
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