Youth

"It costs much to obtain the power of the Spirit: It costs self-surrender and humiliation and a yielding up of our most precious things to God; it costs the perseverance of long waiting, and the faith of strong trust.  But when we are really in that power, we shall find this difference, that whereas before, it was hard for us to do the easiest things, now it is easy for us to do the hard things." - A. J. Gordon

I'm not sure how I found that quote, but I have a feeling I stole it from a friend's status on facebook.  But I came across it again today, and realized it is probably more true of my life now, then when I first read it.

When I was younger, I only wanted to hear about good news.  I would cringe when someone would tell me that they had something they wanted to talk to me about.  This usually meant I was not going to like what I was about to hear.  And being the passive aggression person I am, I would love to find a way out of that conversation.  But life and the shear amount of difficult conversation I had in a short period, helped me to learn to tolerate conflict.  I hate conflict when it directly involves me, and I am now much more eager to jump in and get it all on the table so a solution can be found.  As I was learning to take confrontation, I seriously wondered if I was simply doomed to fail at every single attempt to live in harmony with this someone I cared for more than my very life!

I remember many times when I cried silent tears, while the one on the other end of the phone had no idea, or at least never let on.  In the name of keeping the peace, I would not give any hint to my suffering, but clearly learned just what that expression, "hurt people, hurt people," meant.  Grasping for any kind of logic, I believed that love did not intend to hurt, and tried so hard to always forgive, for I believe most of the time, the offence went unnoticed by the offending party.  I believe that hurt was never the intent, but a product of previous hurts, for what goes in eventually comes out but love does not keep score.  I always wanted to forgive and years later, I am still slowly learning why no matter what I did, or tried to do, it was never enough.  Thank you God, for answering my prayers for understanding!

That was the darkest time I have ever faced in life.  I have lived a fairly safe life.  I have never doubted that I was loved; eternally and unconditionally by my parents.  They often told me so as I grew up.  Much greater than any punishment they could give was a sit-down with them both, when they would tell me they were disappointed in a grade or for how I handled a situation.  It was never long or drawn out.  It didn't need to be.  The conversations usually ended with a gentile reminder that I could do better and they would be expecting to see it.  Then came the hug and the encouragement, which went something like, you smart and capable of much more.  We believe in you and there is nothing you could ever do to make us stop loving you.  It is only as I have become an adult that I realize how amazing my parents are.

Tonight I realized that I live in a very secure world.  I only drove a few miles down the road and saw a whole new side of life.  High school students with adult problems.  A lovely young girl in tears as she told of how her father was just laid off, and that she didn't know if she would be able to pay for an upcoming field trip.  My heart broke for her.  Another couple, at 16 just learned they are going to parents.  And yet another who is waiting to see if she is pregnant because, though she thought she was being "safe" with her boyfriend, "it broke."  This came out as she was confiding in an adult that she had no food in the house.  The pain and confusion of these children has to be indescribable.  And I wonder if these girls were ever told they were beautiful by their fathers.  If they were ever told they wonderful and lovely by their parents.  But most of these girls ether do not have a father in her life, or hope not to see him again.  I am so lacking in my counseling knowledge, but I know these girls would not be hurting so much if they had received what they needed as girls from their father's.

It's a mission field for sure, and I want to know how to help them.  I am such an advocate of adoption and I know so few pregnant teenagers would ever consider it an option.  I think I am going to be in touch with the local pregnancy care center soon.  I want to know how to help these girls.  I need to know.  This is not the first time.  Plus, I know at least a handful of families that would be excited to adopt a little baby, if given the opportunity.  When I talked to youth I had a relationship with before, I would tell them not to, or to stop sleeping with their boyfriend, but when they end up pregnant, know that I would be happy to adopt their child if an abortion ever even crossed their mind.  The way I see it, if I am going to advocate for life, I must be willing to adopt any child that comes my way that would have been aborted, or would potentially end up abused or neglected.

The kids I am now hanging out with on Wednesday's are from two of the area high school's.  One is known for a high pregnancy rate.  It just so happens that school is one that I will soon be at on a regular basis with, Young Life.  I don't really have an agenda other than to let the kids that get to know me see that they matter.  I want the guys to know that they have what it takes.  I want the girls to realize that they are beautiful and worthy.  They do not need a man to see that and sleeping with one at this age will not give them anything but more pain and confusion.

Yes, youth is wasted on the youth.  But I can clearly see that God has not pulled me out of youth ministry.  It just looks a little different now.  He is slowly revealing me my new ministry.  And the marginal kids who do not have any kind of home support really have my heart.  I am really excited to continue on leading in women's ministry,  Now if I could only find a paying job working with one of my favorite populations.  There has got to be something!  How many people want to work with troubled teenage girls?