Only Time

The longings of my heart are screaming out to me today.  Actually it began a few days ago when I allowed myself to daydream about adopting a baby.  Maybe it began as a dream.  I have been having all kinds of dreams lately.  Now this cry of my heart has been getting louder.  So has God's voice.  Just not about a baby.  He says things like "trust me,"  "it's not time yet," and "just a little longer."  Everyone I know seems to be having a baby or having another baby or falling in love, I let God know I'm ready.  And, I told him, that guy in Africa from facebook who likes to chat with me, and hopes to marry me...  I'm not seeing that.  The only reason I friended him was because the request came right after I got back from Africa and I met a lot of people who's names I didn't remember.  Except this one was related to a few of my Liberian friends.  I see God laughing at me for that one and telling me not to worry.  God has a man all picked out for me, he reassures me.  He just is not ready to be married yet, so I have to pray for him.  He tells me this is the guy I have been waiting all these years for.  He tells me that waiting a few years now and spending a lifetime with him will be so worth it in the end.  A few years ago I would have cried over this realization, but now I gladly accept it.

And someday's I wonder if I'm crazy.  Someday's I know I have to be just a little off.  To believe that my creator would love me so much that he cries when I cry.  That he laughs with me.  That he fights for me in the things that I care about.  That he would love me so much, he says no to me, even when it breaks his heart. That he is my number one fan, and desires, even more than I do, for my life to turn out great and to fulfill my desires and his purposes.  That I could even call him my friend!  The Lord is my friend!  Yeah, you would definitely have to be at least a little counter cultural to believe all that.

Something this summer changed in me.  I have no clue when or where it happened, but it sure happened!  I went from praying to "Jesus" to praying to the "Holy Spirit" and now most often I pray to the "Lord."  I love where my relationship with my creator has gone.  And I find that as I get closer and closer to him the things I once loved have slipped away, and I hardly noticed.  I guess I am better off without them anyway.  I have new things, like two new baby nephews.  An adopted little sister who is such a joy.  A mentor turned friend.  And I do have less friends now, but the ones who couldn't weather the storm with me were not true friends anyway.  Time has refined me.

My Creator is my friend!  He speaks to me through others, through his word, and through my thoughts.  It sounds different than my conscience.  It's an answer before the question is fully formed in my mind.  Not all the time, just often.  I have come to really appreciate it.  Only time and God could brig such changes.  I have learned to weather crises quite well by now.  Perhaps what they say is true.  Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.  Though I would like to add that if you can learn to surrender, and ask God for more faith, he can do just about anything with you.  And what a great place to be!