I slept in this morning, because I could, and because I was having amazing dreams. Following a trauma over two years ago, I've had trouble sleeping well. I am so much better now, and I know prayer has everything to do with it. So I am always excited when I dream, and remember my dreams. I had many really good ones last night. One of the ones that stuck with me was when I had a baby.
We were in the old building which used to be my church and my sister was getting married. She is already married and having a baby in a few months. But I had this little baby as we were getting ready for the wedding. The baby was a girl, very small and around a month old. She was mine and I loved her very much. I had no clue where she came from and I was a single mother. I was nursing her, which was strange since she was adopted, but cool. I carried her around in a carrier I made and was blissfully happy. There were some other strange parts, but this is the most significant part to me, because since I have recovered from a broken heart and shattered dreams, it seems my desire to have a baby, which was all I ever wanted for as long as I can remember, is gone.
I prayed for a baby from the time my baby brother turned 2, and I was only 7 at the time. I did get 4 more siblings after him, (though that included a 7 year gap of praying) and I know I prayed my baby sister into my family, but none of these babies were enough. None of them were actually mine!
I used to love any and every baby, but not lately. I get easily annoyed with crying babies in public and tend to not notice them like I used to. I held a friends day old baby this week, and it was very familiar and nice, but cherishing every moment, and that usual ache to have my own was gone. This was a very strange feeling for me. And when I do dream about being a mother, even daydream, lately it's always by adoption and I am a single mother. Maybe I no longer believe that God will give me a husband and that I would be the one to birth some of my children. So this dream about having a tiny baby really caught me off guard. And I loved it. I loved this little helpless baby girl. She was mine and I was hers.
Somewhere inside of me, I do still hope for a wonderful godly husband and lots of babies somewhere in the future. I wonder if life stole this dream from me, or if God is simply answering my prayer of "take away these desires if they are not from you."
I would be delighted to be surprised by love and to dream about marriage, but I just don't know if it will happen for me again. I know I sound awfully cynical, but I did have it once, and perhaps that's all I get. I don't even pray for it for myself anymore, but just for God's best for me. And my life is good and full. God really is here and with me. I have so many blessings throughout my weeks these days. And rather than telling the man in my life about the ups and downs of my day, it all goes to God first. I know I must be going in the right direction and God is showing me his faithfulness as I learn to thank him and praise him in every situation. I realize that he cares way more about the state of my heart than he does about making my dreams come true.
I don't want to be alone and some days I begin to dream that their just might be a man out there who could compliment me in a great way and could actually love and accept me just as I am. Maybe I'm just not ready to believe that dreams can come true, at least not for me. But then I think about the mess I have been through and how it has really shaped me in the last few years.
And here I am almost 28 years old, and I just now discover that this life of having a career and being single is not so bad. It is nothing like I expected life to be at this stage, but I actually really like my life right now. I like being single and not responsible to any man or for any child much longer than I want to be. I like that I don't have to answer to anyone but God at this stage in life. I am super blessed in my job as it is a great fit to my skills and personality. I like where I am right now. I guess I have the most peace about my circumstances as I have ever had. I realize it's not about my reality as much as the peace I feel about the things which are out of my hands. And that is quite a huge blessing.
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