Fly Away

If I was a bird I would fly up, up as high as I could go, soaring over the trees and mountain tops, fully taking in God's beauty, freely gliding over the clouds and get the best view of creation. O to be so free!

Life remains a peculiar thing to me. I keep expecting some kind of "normal" that never comes. I press on and seem to enjoy long days of work to leisure, for only when I have time to myself do I remember what I am lacking.

Jesus, please come soon.

The pain is dull, but still an ache. It has become a lack more than a hurt at this point, as though I still feel an itch on the leg I lost a year ago. But I have two legs that work quite well, and a mind that has worked its way into overworking. It processes now with true diligence, muting noise and even people around me, threatening to overtake. And for all the trying in the world, I cannot seem to forget this missing leg.

I am learning the power of my mind and the amazing ability of my memories to change with time, or rather recalling a painful one, only to discover it does not hurt so much any longer. Maybe that comes from a release of pain. Maybe from fading memories, but whatever the case, I surprise myself by rarely having a bad day.

I put all my hope in God, when I can bring my thoughts back to what is good. I try to remember that loss is gain for Christ's sake. I want so badly to see things forgotten and surrendered, become blessing. Redemption would be wonderful to see. I invite God to let me be his walking testament of abundant blessing following great pain. Well, great pain, as far as I have experienced it. So far life without my leg has been ok, but not the amazing I pray for.

I so badly want to reach my Gilgal, the place where I have come full circle; to boast about my God and how he has taken me from the pit and left me high on a beautiful mountain for a time. I sure hope that day will come, and I will remember that it was only the hand of God who could have made such a rescue.

Tears fall rarely these days, but they still fall. The missing of a dear friend does not seem to want to go away. Today, the missing was great. Not the sorrow over dreams dashed, but just missing the one I used to call for meaningful discussion or because I felt down. I have been missing those 3 hour phone calls where we would laugh and cry and share life. How empty life is without such a likeminded friend.

A huge hole remains in my life that I can find nothing to adequately fill.

My heart grieves and cries out to God to bless me with such a friend once again. But perhaps such friends are only to be found once in a lifetime. The memories I do have, I treasure, even the bad, because they remind me that I have lived.

I do not mean to complain or say that my life is bad. It is hard at times, but not at all bad. I have the ministry as a profession I prayed for and even a personal ministry, only I have no one to share it with any longer. My life is busy and full, but is lacking a fullness I once had, a fullness I prayed for and expected to have by now. I would love to know such fullness once again, if only God in his mercy would be so kind.