Bits and Pieces

My life seems to be coming together in bits and pieces. Not fast enough for me, but I'm thankful for what I do have. I fear I keep searching and I'll find nothing, or miss something meant for me because it was too close for me to notice before it passes me by. I have never so badly wanted to control my life, or rather been aware of the need to let go. I know that is not how God wants me to live.

I have experienced a few unexpected blessing in the last few weeks, and I have had some answers to prayer. I thank God for this calm, whenever it falls on me. Some of these people, I think I'm helping, have really helped me see the face of God. Minnie, for one, I will never forget and was so blessed the day she walked into my office, very much out of breath. Thank you God, for using me to hug her and listen to a sweet old lady who had no one to care for her in the world. She is ill and her family has all died. Her reality has changed because she has found some help in the church.

My thinking has been changing quite a bit. Who I have been is not who God wants me to become. I have been foolish and selfish. I wanted to be this quite rebel, but I realized I was only being childish. I was becoming more and more desensitized to the difference of the things of the world and the things of God. The more I study and get to know God, the more I realize those crazy big families who homeschool, do a lot right. I had respect for them, but that was all. But I realized we are all trying to get it right and life is not easy. No one on this side of heaven will get it all right, but I have been surprising myself at how much I want to be more like them.

Part of this comes from watching the Duggar family. I got both 17 Kids And Counting (season 1)and 18 Kids And Counting(season 2)on DVD and really appreciate how that family does things. It has really made me rethink some of the little things I do and accept in modern culture. They are a great Christian example and I really hope God will bless me with a great husband in the next few years, and I will have the opportunity to homeschool my own children. I want to be the one to teach them the important things, and I cannot think of a better way to be sure they are learning what I think they should know about God and for life than teaching them myself.

This change in thinking has been quite unexpected, for only two years ago I could hardly entertain the thought of homeschooling and the entire idea of being so strangely out of the world. Now, the whole lifestyle looks very appealing. I'm not about to forgo pants and wear turtlenecks, but I have become much more aware of the importance of dressing modestly, thanks to hearing the definition of immodestly dressed women as being defrauding, according to the Duggar's, means, "Stirring up sensual desires that cannot be righteously fulfilled. Yikes! It makes me rethink modesty.

I'm so thankful that though I so badly wanted marriage and children years ago, God knew better. I would have been a loyal wife, but so much more a selfish one. My attempts to raise my children in and not of the world would have failed, because I would not have been able to see a clear difference. I am so thankful God has been challenging my thinking on so many things, and he has given me a new understanding of the way he wants them to be.

I would have missed this before, and way too many Christians are missing the point. We don't dress any differently or look and different, and sometimes, we do not even act any differently then our unbelieving neighbors, yet we expect God to bless us and give us great tasks to accomplish on his behalf. I'm not trying to judge here, I'm simply stating that I want to be different, a radical, not a rebel. I want to be more like what God wants me to be and that means looking less and less like the world. This could be very difficult and cost me, but I have already lost a lot from failing in trying to do it the world's way. It's a challenge that is too important not see through.

This is exciting. This is good.